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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

86 replies

Beeloux · 28/11/2024 22:04

AIBU to find it really rude?

I’m one of those people who looks reasonable with makeup but without I look do look haggard and older than my age (27). I’m naturally very pale and have always had sunken eyes.

Today on the school run, one of the mothers commented how exhausted I look. I do tend to wear makeup but have recently been going makeup free. I sleep well and eat healthily.

I feel mortified after she said that and feel like I need to start wearing makeup again!

OP posts:
CrazyAndSagittarius · 29/11/2024 03:54

It's not rude it's just conversation and (unless she's some sort of horrible bitch) was probably said to strike up conversation while showing a bit of empathy or concern. She was probably expecting you to go "oh yes I've had an awful night up with the baby" or whatever and she could answer "oh yes it's so hard" etc etc etc.

GCAcademic · 29/11/2024 03:35

I've had it said to me at work, out of concern. TBH, I appreciated that someone cared enough to notice and me tion it.

pinkgrevillea · 29/11/2024 03:35

Tell she does too. If she's not being a bitch, she won't mind.

I guarantee she will be extremely offended though.

It's a dumb thing to say. How are you is far less loaded.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/11/2024 03:23

If you look markedly more tired than you do usually surely she’s expressing concern? If someone I knew suddenly looked pale and drawn I’d worry about them.

coxesorangepippin · 29/11/2024 03:15

so do you..you look wrecked!'

^

My personal fave

GiddyRobin · 29/11/2024 03:11

Haha, I do know what you mean because I try not to say it! But I don't mind it, myself! I know when I want to say it, it's in empathy. It's not a case of "fuck me, she looks a sight!" - it's a oh, I hope she's okay, she looks as fucked as I feel.

I always look tired. Genetics. Very large dark rings under my eyes which are there no matter the sleep or water. I quite like them these days, I refused to cover them with makeup for my wedding because I didn't look like me. My DH funnily has the same look! I don't mind people commenting. But I know other people don't, so I don't say it. But it genuinely is never a mean thing when I think it. Just an observation if they don't normally look like that, and I usually want to ask if I can help!

Also, looking tired to me doesn't mean. You don't look good. Like I said, DH always looks tired! I think he looks gorgeous. Tired and good, in my brain, aren't the same thing.

GiveMeVodkaPlease · 29/11/2024 01:20

I got asked if I'd lost weight today. I said "haha, no, but thanks". She replied "I just meant in your face. You look haggard."

Thanks 👍

ObieJoyful · 29/11/2024 01:19

I don’t know. I met a friend in the supermarket the other day and she told me I looked really well.

I’ve been really unwell for around a month and I know I look shite, so how must’ve I looked before…?

I think I’d rather she’d have said I look exhausted because I do!

starray · 29/11/2024 01:15

It's rude.

redalex261 · 29/11/2024 01:08

Like others, I would take it as an expression of mild concern/care. It's not as if she said " you look haggard today". That would be rude. Maybe the person hadn't been close enough or noticed your recent no makeup look before now, that's why they remarked on the difference. Forget it.

Wildbird12 · 28/11/2024 23:46

I agree that's it's rude too. Why tell someone that they don't look good? If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing.

My sister in law used to often greet me with 'a you look SO tired' - it annoyed me for ages and I finally started responding with comments like ' so do you..you look wrecked!' She stopped.

If someone means well by it then it should be rephrased...maybe a simple 'how are you?' If someone is feeling tired then being told they don't look good is unhelpful.

Alalalala · 28/11/2024 23:40

I worked with a woman who used to say that to me now and again - until I started replying, “God, so do you - you look exhausted!” Every single time. And she stopped.

Heidi2018 · 28/11/2024 23:38

I think it's rude. It is most often said to me by people who usually see me with makeup on and then see me without it, so I'm not actually tired at all just don't have makeup on .

I recently had another baby and people's need to tell me I look tired makes me irrationally angry!

Beesandhoney123 · 28/11/2024 23:03

Cheery smile and ' well, I've been awake all night! Then wink.

Alternatively wear enormous sunglasses, bit of lip balm and radiate aloofness. No-one will dare comment on your appearance.

Thevelvelletes · 28/11/2024 22:58

Maybe it's an age thing I'm late 50s and when someone says that to another person it's usually said from a good place and not a putdown.

Original poster
Beeloux · 28/11/2024 22:54

Thanks all. Maybe I’m being too insensitive. Said woman always looks exhausted too but I wouldn’t dream of telling her to her face!

OP posts:
SereneCapybara · 28/11/2024 22:53

FWIW, it's a compliment in Japan. It means, you look exhausted because you must be working so hard and hard work is massively admired and appreciated in our culture, so I am telling you I admire you.

EdithStourton · 28/11/2024 22:48

NewName24 · 28/11/2024 22:25

YABU, I would take that as someone being concerned about me and checking I was okay.

This.
If someone tells me I look knackered, I usually am!

StormingNorman · 28/11/2024 22:47

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Probably just laugh it off.

5475878237NC · 28/11/2024 22:47

To me it likely to be
A) innocuous chit chat like "weather is terrible today".....if said by someone you don't know well.
B) a way into a conversation about your wellbeing....if said by someone you have a relationship with.

Very few people are just being rude when saying this I think.

Illegally18 · 28/11/2024 22:46

rayofsunshine86 · 28/11/2024 22:08

I'd never thought to say that back... I'm going to try it next time 😆

Show quote history

Go on, I dare you. It' d piss me off as well.

Thevelvelletes · 28/11/2024 22:46

NewName24 · 28/11/2024 22:25

YABU, I would take that as someone being concerned about me and checking I was okay.

I think it shows empathy and if someone is having a hard time that comment can open dialogue if that person wants to open up with what's going on with them.

FoxCrumble · 28/11/2024 22:43

I suppose it depends on whether I look exhausted, which I do some times.

Littlemiracles232504 · 28/11/2024 22:42

I hate it, it literally translates to
"You look like boiled shite"

TY78910 · 28/11/2024 22:39

I'd just say 'thanks, so do you'

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