To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

I asked my husband if he ever gets told he looks tired and he said no! I do wonder is it commentary reserved for women.

I think it is very rude to comment negatively on someone’s appearance at all unless you are directly asked and even then I would be sensitive about the delivery.

The ‘exhausted’ comment is often linked to women who aren’t wearing make up and it’s got sexist undertones; we are all so used to seeing women wearing make up that it’s a shock to see natural faces, god forbid a woman isn’t bright eyed and wrinkle free!

I had a colleague who would (without fail) pass some kind of comment on my appearance every day; sometimes it was positive and sometimes it was negative (you look tired etc.). I was 27 and he was a 50 yo man so I’m hindsight it was appalling. At the time I laughed along for a while, then asked him to stop then ultimately lost my shit with him one morning when I presumably was so tired I couldn’t stand it any more.

I definitely wouldn’t say this to someone unless I was very close to them and genuinely wanted to talk to them about being burnt out.

I only say this to people I know well and if I can see they are tired. Nothing to do with looks, you can have makeup on and look exhausted. When someone says this to me I think it's nice because it means they take the time to notice..

It's just rude to comment on someone's appearance, unless it's to pay a compliment.

It's not empathy. Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings. Telling someone they look tired when they're not is the opposite of empathy - it's misreading someone else's feelings.

Apart from that I agree people who do this don't seem to like it when it's said back to them, and don't - as far as I can tell - say it to men, probably because men aren't supposed to be decorative at all times

I had a colleague who used to say this to me every single day. Whether I'd had one hours sleep and no make up or if I was fully rested with my make up done nicely. I often wondered what her motive was, I was the only one she said it to and I genuinely didn't always look tired. Wish I could turn back time and say 'thanks, you look exhausted too' every single time like a PP suggested!

I also think this is very rude. I’m another who gets this comment when not wearing make up.

men never wear make up yet are not constantly told they look tired. There is an underlying sexism to it

No.

Empathy is not expressed rudely.

If someone looks exhausted or ill you ask how they are and take their lead when they reply.

It's the comparing with your colleagues that makes it rude and something else. I had a colleague who commented how pale I looked with genuine concern. Nobody else noticed or if they did they didn't say anything. It clicked later along with other signs when I found out I was very anaemic.

Unless the person only wants to say you look like shit to be nasty then some of the responses are nasty. The person may actually care when you respond 'yes that's because I'm having a really hard time with c'. While one person might feel it's a dig another person might feel seen and cared for.

People shouldn’t say it to anyone they don’t know well. Imagine saying that to be told they had a serious illness. That would be awful.

But as annoying and perhaps upsetting as it can be I don’t think it’s rude unless the person is being vindictive. Most people say it because they’re surprised and concerned or sympathetic. You can only tell which is which in the moment.

It’s said in concern sometimes, as in you’re exhausted (are you ok, do you want to talk about it?)

Wow. Everyone is way too sensitive. I would take it that someone cares about me and is worried that I might not be ok/might need some time to spend on myself.

having said that though I do get offended when someone asks if I’ve lost weight since given that I’m slim but not skinny I’d take that to mean they thought I looked overweight previously.

Really rude coming from a mum on the school run.

It's OK if it's a friend/ someone close who is saying it with care.

I love different cultural insights like this. Thanks for sharing!

I think it can be used as a lazy way to 'just make conversation'. I mean, 'How are you doing' is vague and you can read the response accordingly, 'you look tired' can be so misplaced - just a little effort could completely avoid putting your foot in it.
I remember one customer came in and told me I looked 'really tired and stressed, really rough', I had just got there, not long looked in the mirror, and actually looked ok and felt fine, felt a bit pissed off that his attempt to make conversation was that direct and brutal. I did tell him that I thought I looked ok, wasnt stressed and felt fine but it was good to know that I actually looked a lot worse than I thought I did. I think he got the point, after that his 'just making conversation was a little less personal, more vague and generally a bit more pleasant!

Just making conversation is fine but you still need to engage the brain and read your audience, it isn't an excuse to spout out lazy, ill thought out nonsense.

I hate this, they might as well say 'god you look like shit'.

I worked with a woman who used to say it to me quite often. Sometimes she'd even add 'bless you'. I'd arrive to work and be told 'ah bless you, you look really tired'.

Often I was having a good day and didn't feel tired at all, I was well-rested and thought I looked ok!

If I see a friend I've not seen for a while and they look worn out, I will say 'Are you ok? You look tired'.

It's not an insult, it's a way of reaching out.

I think it's ok if it's someone you're quite close to, and who genuinely cares about your wellbeing.

I noticed that when I was very unwell, because my autoimmune disease was not being controlled, I was frequently being told how well I looked. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had become very thin, which people always seem to think is good (it wasn’t) or if it was a way of boosting me because I was looking unwell. If I feel crap then being told I look tired or exhausted is a comment I interpret as sympathy.

Not an age thing, I'm not older and couldn't care less of someone said it and I've said it before and what goes thru my mind is concern like oh I wonder if there ok...either way get a grip such a joke in itself that nobody can open there mouth these days without constantly being criticized and scrutinized 🙄😕

My husband always says it when I've no make up on- I hate my badly eyes.
I usually wear make up every day.

Maybe she wants you to say it so she has someone to talk to about how hard things are!