To think it’s rude for people to say ‘you look exhausted’

If one of my friends were to say I looked exhausted, I’d take it purely as showing concern. Similarly if they were to comment on my weight

I would say it to someone I genuinely care for

Yes, that's true, but since they never wear make up, there's never difference in their face.

Surely it means that someone cares about you? If they say they think you look exhausted, surely they're just showing their concern?

If it bothers you, just tell them it's your natural look and they don't need to worry.

Context is all. If it’s your best friend who is concerned because she knows you have come through a painful breakup I think it’s reasonable.

If it’s a colleague you hardly know and unsolicited because you’re not wearing makeup then yes it’s dickish.

I think it's really rude. I used to work with a horrible teacher who took great delight in telling me I looked awful, in front of a full staff room. I have naturally pale skin and dark circles under my eyes - I can't help it.

I don't think it's rude. To me it feels like someone is being kind and noticing how bad things feel.

Maybe that's why she said it - 'you look how I feel' kind of thing. Very tactless of her. I bet you look pale and interesting, not exhausted. Embrace the look! A bit of pale pearly lipstick and a touch of mascara, no foundation or blusher, and you'll look gorgeous.

Good for you. It's a subtle put down.

I completely agree and actually, telling them they look bad (which is what it means) is hardly going to encourage them to feel any better, its likely to make them feel even worse so its disingenuous to pretend its just enquiring about their welfare out of some altruistic concern. Insulting someone on how they look is not the way to support them if they are going through a rough time!

I actually also hate 'you look well.' That sometimes indicates (IMO and IME) that the person thinks you've put weight on. I have struggled with an eating disorder all my adult life - some months it's bad, some months I am OK, but as a young woman, it was bad.

I was a bit of a chubby teenager, and was bullied for it, and when I was about 18, I dropped to about 8 stone 3 (5 ft 3 -ish) from about 10 and a half stone, and I actually looked OK. (I dieted for about 4-5 months.) But a few people decided to tell me I looked 'gaunt' and 'ill.' 🙄 They were not used to seeing a slimmer me, and I think a few people didn't like it, and so they just HAD to make a negative comment!

Then I gained a stone after a couple of years of being 8 st 3, and a neighbour of my parents said 'oh you do look better now you've put some weight on and filled out a bit. Your face is nice and round now.'

Sent me right into the depths of an eating disorder. I stopped eating for a week, to try and lose weight quickly, as she had basically said 'you're getting fat.' (That's what I heard anyway.) Struggled for several years after that, and dropped to just over 7 stone and kept passing out, because of not eating properly.

My mum was actually furious with this neighbour for saying what she did, and told her so!

By my mid 20s, my health improved, and the eating disorder was a bit less severe and I went up to between 9 stone and 9 and a half stone, where I stayed for about 6-8 years. But I have struggled with an ongoing eating disorder since around the age of 20 now. In my mid 30s, my weight crept to around 10 and a half stone, and my weight has fluctuated between that weight and 14 and a half stone over the past 20-25 years. (I am currently about 12 stone.)

Every time I have gained weight, someone ALWAYS has to comment. Seriously, no wonder some people have eating disorders, when people make cunty comments about their fucking weight. If anyone who does this is reading this. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. Like with 'you look tired!' commenting on someone's weight NEVER comes from a place of kindness and concern. It is always laced with spite and vitriol. Whether people admit this or realise it or not, it is NOT 'nice' and 'kind' or 'coming from a place of concern' to comment on someone's weight.

People need to keep their fucking opinions to themselves, and NOT comment on peoples appearance. And especially not their weight! I never do FFS!

This. ^

Yes I hate it. 'You look tired' more than exhausted but same thing. So often I'm not tired at all but think that I must look old.

Of course it's rude, if someone was all dressed up to go to an event you wouldnt say it then as a compliment would you? it implies you look tired, pale and as if you have sleep deprivation.

If you're worried someone is ok why cant you just actually say that? - eg "how are you doing, -all ok?" using "you look exhausted" as a welfare concern is completely unnecessary and its focusing on their appearance rather than their mental health

Maybe because women tend to be more empathetic? Every time I told a friend she looks exhausted it has been an opening for her to tell me about her problems at the moment. The same goes for me. I never wear makeup so if I look tired it's because I am and I appreciate a friend's concern about my wellbeing. Even beautiful people can look tired so I wouldn't take it as a critisicm of looks. Ofcourse if it would be a remark from someone I hardly knew I wouldn't like it because I would feel that person was either prying in my personal life or just being mean.

Yes, it is rude, its basically saying you look like shit.

A good response is "coffee is on you then?"

I think it depends a lot on context. There's a big difference between my friend saying "you look exhausted" (which i know means "are you ok? Can I help?") and some random acquaintance/stranger (where it probably means "you look like shit").

Intentions are important...

Totally agree. It’s basically another way of saying ‘you look crap’ disguised as concern.

Unless it’s followed up by some offer of actual help e.g. ‘you look tired, let me help you with your work today/make you a cup of tea/clean your house/look after your DC’ then it’s not actually concern at all just rude & insulting.

I like the response ‘so do you’ and will be using that in the future.

YANBU it is annoying @Beeloux I don't get it much to be honest, but DH gets something similar quite often - especially in summer. People (often who he doesn't know - or barely knows,) tilt their head with faux concern and say 'ooh aren't you SO PALE?' Sometimes they say 'you look so tired and ILL!' And some people even say 'you need to get a tan!' He is Irish, and quite pale, but it's his fucking skin colour. He does not need to 'get a tan!' How disgusting to poke at someone's skin colour. There's a word for that!

People need to keep their nebs out of peoples faces and stop commenting on their appearance. It does not come from a place of concern. It's rude and intrusive. Why the fuck do these nosey and opinionated articles think people give a shit about their opinions?!

Seriously, these people need to open their mind(s) a little bit, and think of something else to say, if this is the only way they can 'make conversation!'

My MiL frequently says this to me. It's horrible and makes me feel self conscious and ugly.

If you are concerned about someone's welfare, ask them how they are doing. Absolutely no need to tell them they look bad as an opener.

Yes it's fucking rude! People used to do this to me all the time when I worked on the till at sainsburys! I got really pissed off with it!

They may not think it’s rude but it IS rude. When you say someone looks exhausted it translates as not looking great. Who wants to hear that? Especially from someone you barely know.

The opposite would be "I look exhausted and no one cares."

Agree it's also the commenting on someone's appearance in a negative way that makes it rude.

I'm probably also basing it on the fact that people I've known who say it tend to be passive aggressive/annoying/lacking in empathy in general.

I've only ever viewed this as people being concerned - and yes, it's definitely been said to my then-husband and men I've worked with, when they have been ill/exhausted. Maybe because of working in healthcare?

When I wore make-up all the time, I would always get "are you feeling ok?" if I didn't wear make-up. Now I rarely wear make-up except for work, and only people who know me through work ever say it. It's the difference in appearance, not anything intrinsically about your general appearance compared to anyone else (and this may be why men get it less).

So it doesn't bother me, I just laugh and explain I'm not wearing make-up.

I'm also pretty sure I've seen the opposite of this several times on MN - "I'm utterly exhausted and no-one ever notices or cares."

I would say urgh I know, so do you actually. Every time.