To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

I'm autistic and I cannot drive. I know of autistic adults who drive but tbh they are higher functioning than me, they hold down jobs too which I cannot manage either. So it doesn't really help to know that plenty of autistic/ADHD adults can drive, if you're not one of them!

I live in London and not driving has not been an issue - I know plenty of adults who can't drive, or who have a licence but no car, because it's much easier and cheaper to use public transport here. If I made a decision not to continue learning to drive then I would only do it in a city with similar decent public transport tbh. It sounds like you can take the train but often have to use taxis to get around, and I'd hate to be stuck with the expense and hassle of taxis (I never use them because there is always a public transport option to cover my route). I can do days out, take my dcs to activities, visit any attractions I want and take trips out of town. But when we've visited other towns and smaller cities in the UK, the buses are often dire, running infrequently and unreliably and taking 3 times as long as a car journey. So if I lived somewhere like that I think I'd persevere with the lessons, or consider relocating to somewhere with good public transport. I certainly wouldn't want to always be relying on a DH to do the driving, as it would introduce a dependency in the relationship.

YABU. It is a basic life skill for adults. It’s not easy straight away, and most people get anxious initially.
You have placed the expectation of all the essential car travel on your DH and he is asking you to share the load.

Perhaps driving just isn't for you & that's fine. It's obviously not so great for your husband but in reality the level of nervousness you describe could potentially be hazardous to other road users.

OP I really sympathise and I could have written a lot of what you have about myself.

I started taken lessons when I was 18 I took so many, I panicked I was angry and annoyed at myself why couldn't I get it.

I tried everything and I mean everything but the things that helped were a very very patient instructor, just slogging on even when I didn't want to, kalms and hypnotherapy!

I have been driving a while now and it has changed my life. I managed fine without too don't get me wrong like you trains and taxis etc but now it's my choice whether I drive or not.

Good luck whatever you do and whatever works for you xx

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.
And if he was away or unwell?
I find the insistence of non drivers that they don't need lifts AT ALL a bit suspect.
So if it was torrential rain or snow and dc had an appointment, youd be absolutely fine taking public transport and not expect your husband to chauffeur you?

Not everyone can do everything. You have really tried. You want to do it but can’t. It’s not fair to push you like this.

It sounds as if you’ve got in your head about it and it’s so difficult to think clearly when you’re panicking. Hypnotherapy may help you feel calmer about driving.

I don’t think you should be pressured into driving for anyone else, but I would feel uncomfortable without my car. I know I get anywhere I need to go quickly and conveniently.

Re the not having lessons.
I did have lessons but only 6.
I’m not the poster who didn’t have lessons but it wasn’t totally unusual going back a few years.
I learnt to drive in the late 1980s
I learnt mainly from relatives, I never had a professional lesson till after driving quite a bit with parents.
I had the lessons to ensure I hadn’t learnt any bad habits that would cause me to fail the test.
I passed at 17 - manual.
no theory test back then.
the roads were of course much quieter.

Ah ok - makes sense!

I'm 99% sure they meant they'd never had lessons until they started learning at 35. As opposed to someone, say, who started at 17 but never passed and then picked it up again in their 30s.

Driving is massively convenient for many reasons. However not everyone needs to drive.

Plenty of people don’t and manage fine. It depends on your field of work of course but I have never had a job require a driving licence.

I’m not sure if it’s fair to Op (or others) to have someone like her on the road when they’re clearly not wanting to drive and it’s causing them such panic and severe anxiety.

Your own parents might need help someday, would you expect your DH to do it because he drives?

How do you manage with kids activities, parties etc.
If you can get everywhere fine but if it’s causing other people additional work then I think look again at trying automatic.

Yes I’m curious about that too - I am wondering if @Imisscoffee2021 meant they had private lessons with a family /friend and just not with a driving instructor?

You have to give yourself grace and accommodate for where you know your limits are. This is ok.

But then you're at the mercy of the British rail system. If you got a call at work that your DC are ill, or had an accident and needed an urgent pick up - with a car you can hop in and go. If you have to make your way to station, wait for next train, sit on the train when it eventually turns up, then work out public transport to the school, then have to navigate bringing a potentially vomiting child home without transport... or you have to make your DH do all of it which really isn't fair on him. You're equal parents and should be doing your share.

Plenty of people with ASD and ADHD drive.
You might have some sort of anxiety issue holding you back. Panic attacks and avoidance are a symptom of an anxiety disorder.
I would personally see if you can find out why driving terrifies you so much.

I agree there is no point trying driving lessons again. They aren’t what you need.

I beg your pardon? You never has lessons? Did you just rock up one day at the testing centre, sat in a car for the very first time and passed your test?

Not being able to drive is probably the only thing stopping him off-loading his responsibilities towards his parents onto you, so I think you’d be very wise not to learn for that reason alone.

Passing a driving test without having had any lessons is pretty impressive, even at 35.

I hate driving. Hate it. But I did it because I need to. You need to look at it as a skill. Many job applications ask if you have a licence.

You cope fine now. But what about if your DH can't drive for whatever reason - away with work, accident, medical issue? If you divorced in 5 years? What about when your kids come to you desperate to do a hobby but you have to turn them down because you can't get them there? If you change jobs and need to relocate somewhere with worse public transport? Kids get into a school that's a pita to get to on buses?

You need to start again fresh, automatic if needed. Take it slow and for as long as you need to. But consistent.

I find driving horrendously stressful and difficult but I do it because I'm a single parent and life would just be too difficult if I didn't. It took me 5 years, god knows how many lessons and how much money and i either passed 4th or 5th time. I can't remember now. But it was so hard! I do understand. They can't make you do it but at the same time you can't then expect lifts all the time (it doesn't sound like you do.)

Yes they always ask for favours and he says it’s all down to him. They are his parents though??!

Yes.