To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

I'm not the OP but we are car-free and either grab stuff from big shop on way home from work or get online deliveries.

I've given up too, same reasons. Stopped about 6 years ago.

Not everyone needs to drive

@chetto I meant I'd never had lessons prior to being an older learner, typing fast with a whingey baby on my shoulder didn't proof read! Alot of people learning in mid 30s had had a few lessons when younger I've found, I had 2 hr lessons every sunday plus mkre the week befkre my test in an intense 4 month period with a driving instructor to pass😅 Motivated by a newborn and a move to a rural location.

Nervous drivers are not safe drivers, they get flustered and make mistakes or behave unpredictably; they often fail to spot hazards because their brains are already working overtime to deal with their stress. So I don't think anyone should be pressured into getting behind the wheel if they are uncomfortable doing so. Save the money that would otherwise go on insurance and maintenance, and spend it booking taxis on those occasions when the journey can't be done by foot/bike/public-transport.

If it causes you that much stress don’t do it. Maybe take a taxi and do half the kids appointments, then he can’t complain. His parents are his to care for.

I'm 57 don't drive, bought up 2 kids, managed a normal life without driving, and l never expect anyone to drive me anywhere. May have been been easier as l bought my kids up in London with great transport links. I now in middle of no where, but l can walk to work and get a bus to nearest town

I lived in London so never had to learn. Passed 3 months ago and now drive quite scary roads regularly.

I never wanted to learn and I'm anxious every time. I'm driving as I live in the middle of nowhere and had no choice.

If you don't want to, any can get by, then don't. It's not worth the stress and even if you did pass... would you want to go out and drive?

I had to give up driving 6 months ago for medical reasons (hoping to get my license back soon) and I have realised how much I relied on driving. I'm now having to rely on my husband much more for ferrying the kids around which he is finding quite tiring and stressful and my life is so much more limited now. I absolutely hate it. I can't imagine not wanting to drive.

I put off learning to drive until i was 33, I was absolutely terrified and couldn’t understand how people do more than 1 thing at a time and not crash. I learned automatic, I remember my first lesson and the instructor was saying that I needed to check all my mirrors, then signal then manoeuvre and I was like wtf, this is actually impossible how on earth do people remember to do all of this and not die?!
I screamed when I reached 10mph. It was a shit show.
I’ve now been driving nearly 2 years, I will travel hours on the motorway, commute anywhere, sing loudly in the car, have the freedom to go where I want to when I want to. I don’t need to rely on others for lifts or to do shopping, I get to take my son to school. It’s honestly changed my life.

My top tips for lowering anxiety when driving 1) wear waterproof socks (the tight compression helps to give feedback on your foot to make you more aware of where in space it is).
2) Suck on uncle joes minty balls (other mint balls are available but not as delicious as uncle joes!). Sucking is very calming to our nervous system and helps us to process sensory information easier.
3) make sure your instructor tailors your learning to your preferred learning style. Honestly, the amount of times I would be feeling super anxious/stressed and he would reel off a load of instructions. Mate, I’m not taking in your verbal instructions - I’m prioritising my visual sense so I don’t die. I’m much more of a visual learner - draw a diagram and show me, don’t tell me!

I know you didn’t ask for tips but perhaps might help anyone else reading who is thinking of learning/ currently learning and are anxious

I learned to drive in London and somehow passed the test first time back in 2010. I haven't driven since apart from having a few 'confidence lessons' a few years back, followed by a 'non London Sunday morning driving by myself'.
I hate it, I feel like I will crash into someone and cause a serious accident/ death.
I manage by walking / bus / occassional taxi/ husband driving.
It feels stupid, for me it's combination of roundabouts/ narrow roads (grew uo abroad without either).
I do everything else in the house so at et least husband can have a thing only he does 🙈🤷‍♀️

As long as you don't hound other people to be a taxi service for you looking at you brother then it's a non issue.

I technically have a full licence, but driving terrifies me. Last time I drove some stupid person drove out of there drive immediately ahead of me. I stopped without hitting them an emergency stop but it really scared me. My husband kept saying my emergency dtop was faultless and i didnt even stall. But the fear will always be there.

I’m a driving instructor. It’s a tough process for most so I think you should have the motivation to learn. Someone else forcing you isn’t going to be enough. So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Anxiety is very common now, I’ve experienced quite a few people with it and after a bit they love it because they’ve beaten a fear. One I have at the moment was very fearful, we did the same simple route at the start of each lesson just to ease him in. He’s now confident, but I have to use a few tricks at times to ease his fears (for example, he doesn’t learn how to tackle spiral roundabout, he learns the McDonalds drive thru, the spiral roundabout just happens to be on the route 😂). So if you do do it find someone who’s sympathetic enough to do similar things.

ASD doesn’t need to be a barrier, some of the quickest to learn that I’ve taught have had ASD because they generally retain detail.

My suggestion is you think about how happy confident driving could change your life, you see it through a fearful lens at the moment, but with an empathic instructor this could pass and you could become confident. Visualising where you could go and what you could do could give you the motivation just to give it a go.

Personally I honestly would rather lose a digit than my licence. I honestly don’t know how anyone doesn’t drive. It’s the most liberating thing you can do IMO and I know my job literally changes lives.

My mum learnt to drive with me sitting in the back singing hymns ( no clue why, not in the least religious) . She hated it.
Her purpose for learning was to be able to get to see her dad quickly. He was on his own not in good health and lived 40 minutes away by car but over an hour by bus. She passed on her second attempt, grandad died a week later, she never drove again.
Dad was fine about that but it would have been useful on occasion as she was tea total and he liked a drink so that was a slight issue. She didn't regret her decision at all but actively encouraged me to learn to drive. I found it stressful to start with but it's like anything new. You have to actively think through each manoeuvre but then you do it automatically.

It's got to be your choice and no amount of pressure from you family will make it any easier. Have you considered an instructor that has experience of teaching people with neurodiversity.

The reason I ask is i was forced to learn at 17 I struggled with the coordination etc. One lesson sticks particularly in my head, instructor was ill so sent her husband with a different car (regular car had been in an accident) I was absolutely useless couldn't cope at all that day. I asked they didn't do that again.

Years later my doctors are suggesting I'm neurodiverse. So now I get why I struggled to learn initially, it just wouldn't go in. I'm grateful my instructor aas brilliant, didn't put me in for tests too soon. I failed my 1st test, the pressure of everyone knowing was too much. Had to wait 8 weeks before booking retests in those days but was the best to happen. My instructor taught me to drive at my pace not just to pass the test but I still struggled with anxiety a lot until one day it just clicked.

You've got to do what's best for you ultimately.

I drove in the States for 20 years...it is easy there, but it took me a while to learn. Here, it looks like you need a PhD....so crowded, little lanes, roundabouts...no thanks. I sympathise with you OP, I really do.

You’ve clearly made up your mind so why ask? 🤷‍♀️

I am on waiting list for ASD assessment. I really empathise. I passed my test in my late 20s after nearly a year of lessons, god knows how tbh, & then just couldn't do it. I felt like I'd throw up just sitting in the drivers seat, & everything involved far too many actions/information processing at the same time.

I had a few refresher lessons last year, & stopped again as I just found it so stressful. Then a few months ago my toddler started refusing to stay in the pram while also refusing to walk anywhere, & I had a moment where I thought "this is more stressful than driving" (I never thought I'd think that!). I think my brain must have been subconsciously mulling over the driving for a while & my anxiety around it had subsided a bit, without me realising.

I tried again, & over 8 years after passing I am finally driving. I'm mostly doing short local trips but I've driven a few longer ones and some unfamiliar ones in the dark recently. If that's as far as I go, I'm OK with that. I'd like to feel comfortable on motorways eventually but it's not a deal breaker.

I have found I have to drive most days - a week of not driving & the fear comes back - and I only listened to one specific playlist at first while driving (I also have a showering playlist, & a playlist for studying/ concentrated tasks at work - I often use music to signal to my brain that we are in x mode now).

My DD1 is 32...and just learning now, in an automatic.
She tried years ago and was terrified, then was in a car accident and became terrified of even being a passenger, and resigned herself to never driving and her ex did the driving.
But their marriage broke down and she works across two practices as a GP, costing her a fortune in taxis and buses.

It took time but she finally found an instructor who really understood how terrified she was, and now she is making great progress, has done her theory and has her test booked for next April. She's only planning on doing her work commute at first and getting to Morrisons for her shopping...but it's HUGE and even 2 years ago she would have said it was fine, her Ex was happy to drive.

You never know what is round the corner and it's still worth trying , at least until you've actually tried and failed so many times it is clearly impossible!

Err not your job to put yourself through hell to make their lives earlier. Shut them down now and your husband. Tell them the topic is no longer for up for discussion. If they persist, leave the room each time they do it. Cheeky buggers. You are not here to serve his bloody parents!

I have driven since the age of 17 on roads, not motorways and absolutely hate it. My hate of driving has now turned into a hate of being a passenger too. I have absolutely no sense of direction, sat navs dont help as I need to know where I am going/need landmarks etc. I can get work and home and some places close by but cant just get into the car and drive somewhere unknown. Closed roads and diversions are my nemesis. Public transport may be a nightmare but I would choose that over driving any day.

@cannotDrive how do you manage the big food shop? Online or is it something that can't be done without dh?

Since my kids became teenagers I have been so glad that me and my husband both drive. We are basically taxi drivers for our kids who are both in different sports teams, one plays an instrument, the other another sport and also want to be dropped off to see their mates. Its a different thing most nights/weekends and I'm glad we dont need to use public transport

I suppose as long as your dh wont end up picking up all of the running around from now till kids leave home and you live in a place with good transport links, then you are not being unreasonable but I'd be put out if I had to do all of the kids/family outing stuff and driving cos dh wouldnt learn to drive.