To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

Do you have any hints on how to get over a fear of driving on motorways? I’m perfectly confident with other driving but I completely freak if I inadvertently end up on a motorway. Had a couple of bad experiences when I first passed my test (shocking weather, no one moving over so I had to come to a stop to get on) and I’m now petrified.

I have never done "the big shop" in my life. There are four of us here and the big shop is two shopping bags of food which I can carry on foot no problem. I am always bemused when I see trolleys overflowing with food. Surely, most of it perishes before being eaten.
I know it is largely dependent on where you live but I have never needed to drive. I've lived in cities all my life, used public transport, ordered furniture online and walked everywhere within 2 mile radius. My family also didn't have a car and, as a child and a teenager, I managed to get myself to hobbies independently by using public transport.
I learned to drive at 38 because I had spare time and money and it was an activity to do for fun. And sometimes I wish I hadn't because I now walk a lot less and feel a lot less motivated to walk to the shop which is only 15 min away.

Get an electric bike, it will change your life!

Another thing to take into consideration- and I know it's really hard learning, and for some more than others- is when parents get elderly if that's applicable. I'm the only one out of my siblings who drives, and only one of my parents do. Having to get back to support them with various things, when locally based siblings can't drive- is a nightmare

Try hypnosis to help the anxiety

I think you need to make an effort to try and help. If you can't do it after hypnosis or medication for anxiety then perhaps you need to get a bike with panniers so you can do a bit more without a car.

Honestly it's probably just too overwhelming for you and sending you into meltdown , which as you said would make you an unsafe driver. I've vertigo so I'm not medically safe to drive so yes poor dh has to do the driving but that's just the way it is sometimes.

I have severe anxiety around driving and simply can't do it safely due to being so overstimulated and overwhelmed.

My DH understands this and we choose to live in places with good public transport or Uber etc.

Honestly, I would just stand your ground. It is okay not to drive. Especially if it causes you so much distress. I'm sure you make his life easier in other ways.

Might seem like an odd question, but do you do other stuff??

Work? Take care of the kids, cook?

If it's just driving that you can't do than that's fine. You're not a fucking superhero, and they need to leave you be

Plenty of us don’t drive and get by in life quite fine. People that rely on cars for decades find it baffling but those of us that never drove are so used to navigating public transport it’s not even an issue. We live on the outskirts of a city. Plenty transport links and lots of walking i save a hell of a lot of money not driving.

I was going to learn late ( pressure maybe?) and then covid hit, then i developed anxiety. Even as a passenger i’m so nervous so no not for me now. I’m happy with that decision. I’d be unsafe without the confidence and right concentration.

It isn’t for everyone. Don’t persevere just because your husband wants you to. It isn’t compulsory!

If you really feel that it's not for you, then there's no shame in not driving. But ... but ... how many lessons have you had in total? Sometimes it can take a lot, and I mean a LOT. I'm not even going to admit in public how many I had.

You feel under immense stress because of your ASD/ADHD. Then you have to think about your job, child, husband, inlaws all in one day. Somebody to take you out driving on a quiet part of the week on a regular basis would be hugely supportive. All your other stresses for that day need to be delegated out. And anyone who tries to throw you another task needs it handed back to them on that day so that you can decompress in the evening.

I was hugely anxious about learning to drive (started learning mid 30s) and only persisted because I wanted to so much for things I wanted to do. It took almost four years of weekly lessons. And several tests!

When I finally passed my test I was so terrified going for my first drive alone - went a route I knew well but really felt shaky and weird. Forced myself to do a little drive every few days, and step it up to a different/longer route every couple of weeks. Eventually took passengers - who were NOT allowed to talk! Kept the 'P' plates on for a whole year too.

It worked - at some point I realised I was just driving and it was fine!

(I will add I had a lovely instructor who saw me cry many times, would start the lessons easy and sort of go down a level if I was super nervous that day, would let me take 5 mins if I needed, etc.)

Issues around why OP's DH wants her to drive are a separate matter ...

I don't drive for similar reasons. Even as a passenger I get disorientated by other vehicles passing or alongside. The world is safer if I stick with the bus and shanks' pony.

Are you suggesting they only help the PIL to get an inheritance?

I am similar except I did actually pass when I was a teenager but was never confident. I then never drove again until I tried to pick it up again in my late 20s but then stopped as I found it so stressful. In fact part of me wishes I never passed as I now have this pressure that I should be driving.

My main issue is that I have no spacial awareness when in the car. I just can't judge how close my car is to it's surroundings/whether I could fit a gap and basically felt that I was just hoping I didn't hit something. I felt like an accident waiting to happen so decided to stop

I'm a SAHM to 2 young children and get by on buses (which aren't super frequent, I live in a village). I know things would be alot easier if I drove - I'm very restricted with where I can get to and journey lengths can be long (e.g an hour to get to soft play, a 10 minute drive away) but I choose that over the stress of driving

I wonder if that approach would also apply to any inheritance? His parents, his inheritance and the OP would have no say/input? Or does it only apply to the downsides of having PILs.

But you can't always get to where you need to go because you said your dh has to do all the ferrying around of the kids. You've just opted out of that part of parenting.

OMG! I could have written that original post!
I had lessons when I was about 20. Instructor was an arse and I never even finished my block booking of 5 sessions.
Mid 20s I was having lessons but we bought a house and I couldn't afford them.
Had a couple of different instructors but I would wake up crying with panic and anxiety, esp after 1 particular instructor and we got to the point where I was making myself ill just thinking about lesson. I had to stop them.
My younger sister passed with a particular instructor and I decided to have another go and it just clicked with him, he was what I needed. I passed first time when I was 37 but had been learning nearly 2 decades!!

I've now been driving 15yrs and I am hapoy to do it but dont always love it. At my previous job, buses to work was 2 connections with a wait in a tiny village and took at least 90 mins, it was a 15 min drive!

I do wish I had done it earlier, my life became much easier, but if you have great transport links I wouldn't be too worried . BTW I was never pressured into learning by DH and family.

I beg your pardon? You never has lessons? Did you just rock up one day at the testing centre, sat in a car for the very first time and passed your test?

My fil let dh drive on quiet public roads from the age of 12 or so. He was driving on private land long before that. By the time he was 17, he was a competent driver even without what I'd call lessons. Of our social circle, he's definitely not alone. Apparently letting your underage offspring drive your expensive cars without a licence was better than being done for drink driving in the 90s.

Would you like to drive OP? If the anxiety wasn't an issue? One of my ex colleagues swears he would never have passed his test without hypnotherapy. If you want to do, might be worth a consideration.

I'm 40 and never seen a job I wanted to apply for that required a licence. My partner doesn't drive either. Everything is within walking distance of where we live except an airport, for which there is a 24 hr bus the next street over.

We walk everywhere, sometimes we get an Uber if we're in a rush but it's rare. Also have a year's public transport pass.

I dread to think how much hassle and cost a car would be. There is little to no parking in our city and it seems like people are always complaining about traffic, roadworks, deicing, MOTs, some unknown problem with their car, whether the garage has ripped them off, having to go and get petrol, etc.

I'd never live rurally or in the suburbs.

One of my five driving instructors said that not everyone can learn to drive, and they get a pretty good idea of who will pass their test and who will never pass. So actually it's not that rare to be an adult who just can't learn to drive.

If you're that anxious just learning then you're probably better off not being on the roads tbf. If you live somewhere with good transport links then you might not need to.