To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

It doesn't rain on a bus, though, does it?
Of course, it is perfectly possible to never need lifts and to take your children out in a snow. We didn't have a car in a family, I grew up in a country where it rains for most of the year and snows for at least 4 months with temperatures of -30. And most people are able to go about their business with some waterproofs, an umbrella and warm clothes.
Even my 87-year-old grandmother can do what she needs to do in the middle of winter without needing a lift. The only time she gets in a car is when she is visiting my aunt who lives on a farm 50 miles away. But even travelling there can be accomplished by catching a bus and a regional train which is what everyone else in the family does.

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.

That is irritating to be the only driver-everything just fall to him. Does he drive you to appointments as well? What about going on holiday? Getting food shopping?

If you are going to point blank refuse to drive, how else can you help with the lifts? Try sharing the load with taking the kids to appointments/parties, doing other jobs on public transport 50/50, then it’s not always chore that have to fall on him.

Our kids are older and need taking collecting from places at really inconvenient times-it’s so unfair to expect one person to always be the one to have to do all that.

I have read the thread (most of it) and the one thing that jumps out at me from your posts @cannotDrive is how you can manage to get around using taxis and public transport but the things your DH has to step up to do - bring kids/parents to appointments etc needs to be done using the car.

He's looking for your help in sharing that load - can you? If it's something that you can manage but by using taxis or public transport to get the kids to appointments or whatever, then that is your answer - everyone uses public transport when Mum is bringing us to X or Y but if it's Dad doing the transport, we get in the car.

If you can't use public transport and if taxis turn out too expensive (which is another factor here), I would try to find a driving school that can teach you how to be in control of a car safely. Not every driving school is going to work and going to be able to teach you and give you the confidence to get behind the wheel. For my two kids (one has passed their test, the other is still learning) we found a driving school that had private grounds so that they were able to learn the control of the car and stopping/starting/reversing/dealing with roundabouts before ever leaving the grounds and dealing with the rest of the driving world. Perhaps something like that to help you build your confidence would be a good place to start? Also, there are big L-plates on cars and everyone, every driver, had to start somewhere. I also think that you will also have to change your mindset from "I can't do it" to "I can do it but it's going to take time". This is just my take on what I've read so far but I don't think I'd be throwing in the towel quite yet.

From your timeline it looks like you weren't a driver of attempting to be one when you met your DH.

I agree driving is a useful skill, but I really don't think its be all to end all life skill that some people are saying. I don't like driving particularly but I do enjoy the freedom to get around that it affords me. It's a bit like skiing though - if I hadn't learned when young, it's not something I would relish learning as an middle aged adult.

Driving lessons are expensive- £60 for 90 minutes here, insurance for a nee driver is exorbitant and the costs of running even a cheap car are minimum £1000 each year. That would pay for a lot of taxis for the ILs, or alternatively check with Help the Aged as many areas offer a cost only lift service to hospital appointments, run by volunteers. That would help your ILs to retain some independence and reduce the burden on DH.

I feel exactly the same. I won't be a safe driver, which only contributes more to the stress of the thought of driving.

I am the same, or at least, similar. I did get my driving license when I was 19 but I have anxiety and prone to a lot of shaking when I am nervous, I my brain completely blocks when in a stressful situation. First time I took the car by myself was really stressful, I couln't drive again after that. My DH says the same, that of course I can. NO, I CAN'T!.

It is not a problem at the moment, we actually haven't got a car as it wouldn't be worth it, even though my DH can drive. We both work in Central London, so we have to go by public transport, we do online shopping mostly and we have plenty of aupermarkets within walking diatance, our DD's school is 15 minutes walking...so we are not bothered. If we really want/need to go somewhere by car, we can take an uber or taxi, we have saved plenty of money from not having a car!

If it is a problem or not would depend on where you live, work and life in general.

You're both unreasonable. You for not understanding that it's your choice not to drive, but there is no "can't" - that's just something you're telling yourself

He's being massively unreasonable because he wants you to drive so you can be a skivvy for his parents

Fuck that.

Get help for your mental health issues and leave the driving for now.

Yanbu at all.
I think you need to be blunt " I am never going to try again. I hate the lessons and the impact on my mental health. I am allowed to be different to you. Not driving is not a character defect or because I haven't tried hard enough".
My dh was like this about feckin sailing. I get terrible sea sickness/motion sickness. Deep down he seemed to think I was somehow making it up. Only when I said something similar to above did he stop. I literally said I am never going on a boat again.

Well, yes! We never had a car until 2020 or so. Eventually we got one but I don't think I've ever asked DP for a lift. There's no need - I go everywhere on my bike and we live in London so there's loads of public transport. It would be different if we lived somewhere more rural.

I learned to drive at 33. But I did it because I wanted to. I disliked every minute of learning and I'm still not a confident driver now on new or busy routes. If I lived in a place where public transport or taxis could cover my needs (including the odd child emergency or weekly club), I'd happily never drive again.

When I learned, my husband and I agreed that I would only drive to places I felt confident about so, and I'd commute by car if I was got a job somewhere I was happy to drive to. He would still do all the driving when we're together and provide lifts to places I wasn't happy to drive in. Even though my husband is very understanding, I've still had to push back sometimes when he suggests sharing driving or pushes me to take DS somewhere I'm not comfortable driving to on my day off. It's an insidious creep even for people who like driving and are happy to do most of it.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster with your husband already putting so much pressure on you before you've even learned to drive.

I don't think you need to learn to drive, but you do need to recognise that it's a big burden on your DH being the only person who can drive the kids around. And he did all the night wakings and does most of the cooking too? I hope you're pulling your weight in other ways? I think non drivers can definitely underestimate what a pain it is to always be the one who has to drive.

I learnt to drive 7yrs ago , thought I would love it , and I did while the driving instructor was in the car , passed my test 1st time, no faults , the mintue I was in my car and completely responsible I fell to bits , hated every minute and it never got better , now I do everything in my power not to drive .last time I drove was Christmas night last year .
Driving isn't for everyone

But how many bags can you fit in your boot during a driving lesson? That's the real question.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m also autistic and starter learning at 17 on the insistence of my parents. I hated it, used to cry, was terrified I’d kill someone etc. and failed my test 3 times between 17 & 18. I gave up at 18. Restarted when I got my first job at 22 and, after a series of intensive lessons, passed straight away. But I totally get where you’re coming from. I have a friend who is a driving instructor specialising in people with disabilities, including autism. Could you, if you wanted to try again, look to find someone near you who offers the same?

Could you try hypnotherapy for the anxiety and then try one lesson to see if it’s worked ? Just as a last ditched attempt before you say no.

OP you need to click with an instructor to pass. You need to feel at ease.

You're getting yourself worked up about the wrong thing here. Driving isn't the issue. Get an instructor that puts you at ease.

I was in a similar boat until recently, autistic, tried at 18,21 and couldn’t do it, tried again recently and passed finally, could dh give you lessons or at least partly or sometimes there are driving instructors that specialise in ND? This third time around it was dh he taught me as partly a money thing but meant we could really adapt the lessons to when I was struggling to understand or just to help me cope, sometimes the lesson would be ten mins sometimes it would be 3 hours but just doing the same thing over and over so I could really understand (bay parking!) and the ability to just end the lesson with no judgement really helped.

That's exactly how I read it too @Theoldqueen

Trust posters to deliberately misinterpret stuff😂

I am a driver and have had my license for about 15 years, but do I like driving? No.
I am still nervous and truth be told if we're out as a family my dp does the driving. However, I drive because I feel it's necessary (not to mention convenient). I have a DD and would hate the thought of delays if I needed to take her anywhere urgently ie. Hospital/doctors. Or if dp is away and I need to get to my parents urgently.
I would find a good and patient instructor OP and try again.

I found learning to drive extremely stressful, and I was getting stress migraines for the first time in my life and wishing I had never started just before I passed (second time).
Driving has made my life so much easier, and since passing it hasn't been anything like as stressful as lessons.
If you did want to continue make sure you have a patient instructor, and I found that having 2 lessons a week really helped me to get it (after a year of 1 a week lessons where it just wasn't clicking).
So, if you want to do it, but think you can't, keep going. If you just flat out don't want to then don't.

If your husband did all the night waking with the kids and does all the cooking, he sounds like someone who supports your differences and he has asked you to have another go, is it worth just trying? If you don’t pass, you don’t pass, then you can move on and the issue is put to bed.

It isn't a basic life skill. A basic life skill involves things that keep you are alive/able to survive. People always say driving is a basic life skill but it isn't. It isn't needed to keep you alive.
No one should be forced to do something they are uncomfortable with regardless of reasons.
Her dh wants her to drive so she can do things for his parents, why should she? Why should other people's comfort be put above hers?

I hear you. I passed when I was a teenager and then didn't drive again until I was 35 for the reasons you listed.

Just to give the other side: I did find myself a fantastic driving instructor for refresher lessons. I don't know what she did or how she did it but I did a few refreshers and started driving.

I don't love it. But I do love the freedom. I too thought I was managing the kids well without one but it has definitely enriched my life - and now that I'm divorced it's a lifesaver, I'll never live cars, they are boring abd other drivers are idiots but it's enabled so much good stuff in my life that I'm forever grateful to that driving instructor.

Ps I've managed 10 years now of driving without having to do a single parallel park.

2 bags of shopping for 4 people for week? I fill 2 bags with just fresh vegetables for 3 of us.