To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

I don’t agree with your last sentence. I passed on my 5th test attempt and fourth instructor (manual, though have only driven automatics for the last 20 years) and 5 years on and off of lessons. I wasn’t a natural. Didn't help that I only had my mother to practise with and she was herself a reluctant driver. My first three instructors talked too much. The fourth was a taciturn chap who, barring pleasantries at the beginning and end of lessons, didn’t say anything unless to actually instruct or direct. Have been happily driving for 37 years now.

What a bizarre statement.

Unless the local bus service was cancelled and uber went out of business, I think OP might have greater worries than getting from A to B if her DH died.

It may not be popular on here, but many people don't drive and manage to live their lives successfully.

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.

Drive/not drive-nobody can force you to pass your test.

Taking and collecting the children places should not just fall on the person who can drive though. I would be ensuring I do half of all of those jobs as well, even if it is inconvenient to you.

I’m always a bit perplexed by how non drivers are treated on here.

There’s a lot of pressure about it being a fundamental life skill and selfish/lazy/ thoughtless etc if you don’t drive.

Yet in reality, the selfish, lazy and thoughtless thing is to prioritise your own convenience and risk your own and other innocent people’s safety by driving even if deep down you don’t feel comfortable controlling these machines.

I think it’s very important people are not shamed and pressured into driving when they don’t feel comfortable. Driving mistakes cost lives.

What would you do if DH died? I’m on your partners side, you need to develop some coping strategies and pull your weight.

Exactly, I love my decompression journeys before and after my shifts. Some people weren't meant to drive and it's safer that they don't!

I don't think it's your Autism or ADHD. I have both of those and I think the reason why I passed by driving test so quickly and easily is because I was so aware of everything around me all of the time.

Even now, I can see things from a mile away that my DH wouldn't notice so quickly.

It either comes naturally to people or it doesn't.

Thanks, OP - I won't say more, don't want to derail the thread.

It's not for everyone OP. Loads of ND folk myself included, don't drive...

I do however have a disabled bus pass. Could this be an option for you?

Sorry, but you had children when you didn’t want to and agreed to, only because he said he’d do certain things?!

That is 100% bizarre. I can understand this sort of ‘compromise’ over getting a guinea pig, but your own baby?!

I am in the same boat and I do wonder at what point posters would relent that someone should give up and when you accept that actually you can't drive.

I tried several instructors and had literally hundreds of hours of lessons as well as over a hundred hours of practising with family. I still could not drive in a straight line and the instructor kept needing to grab the wheel most lessons even in an automatic.

I also have ADHD and autism and driving is just really difficult. I'm an intelligent and educated person with a good job but when it comes to driving it's like my brain will not pick it up.

I have no sense of direction. Can't judge speed of oncoming traffic. Have no spatial awareness and can't tell where I am or how far away I am from things. I can't seem to take in all information like hazards, signs and what's happening on the road all at once especially when going faster than 5mph.

On things like roundabouts and changing lanes I could not look in the mirror and register what I was seeing then look back in front of me.

I strongly suspect I have dyspraxia for many reasons but an adult diagnosis costs thousands and wouldn't benefit me really so I've never bothered.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be or what the "no such things as can't" or "you will pass eventually" posters would suggest really.

There are lots of disabilities which stop you from driving. While learning I never felt safe and was convinced I was going to kill someone. I would love to click my fingers and be able to do it but it's also very expensive to pay thousands of £ and get nowhere.

Wait, so you had children when you didn't want to, and he did?

Wtaf ...

If I was the only driver and had to take the kids to every single appointment because my DH refused to drive, I would no doubt be pissed off. I think it would be only fair that he should do half of the ferrying around for the kids though.

His parents are a different matter. I wouldn’t expect you to learn to drive just to do their chores, but if he’s helping them and your kids have parties/appointments, you will presumably need to take them on the
bus-you can’t just opt out and say it’s not your problem.

Do neither of his parents drive?

In fairness, this was also my take on it.

OP's DH did all the night waking for what sounds like quite a flimsy excuse (sorry), you only do sandwiches or basic meals - any proper cooking is done by DH, and DH also has to ferry the DC around to any appointments they need, plus fit in a top up shop midweek. And then he has his parents he's trying to support too.

It sounds as if your DH is really supportive OP, and while I get that you don't feel there's a need to drive at the moment, that's because he's doing it all.

I'm also autistic and have ADHD. I fucking hated driving. Had absolutely no interest in learning - until I had to because of personal circumstances.

Rather than lessons once a week, I bought my own car and my dad took me out to deserted car parks so I could just drive around. Constantly. Oh, and it was an automatic - absolutely no way could i cope with changing gear!!!

I don't think I'd ever have learnt on a regular driving schedule - I needed to be completely immersed in it, taken out nearly every night so I didn't lose the feel and built my confidence.

What did you try when you were 30 - was that an automatic again?

From a neurodivergent perspective, there's a lot to learn when driving. And you're constantly being bombarded with sensory input - there are lots of thoughts in your head! When you're starting out, it just feels too much - I get that feeling entirely. But gradually, gradually, things become more natural so that you don't have to think about it quite as hard.

Also, I know many people won't think like this but I've had to get my child to the hospital as an emergency - quite literally a life or death situation. Current ambulance times are horrendous - he wouldn't be with us if we'd waited. I like to have a car outside because if something happens, I can get my child to help. Both my DC are SEN and DS has high needs, so being able to drive was quite literally a life-saver. I wouldn't be without it.

I think you need to consider if you're being fair to your DH. My thoughts are that it would be reasonable to try again but slowly, slowly and with someone who has plenty of patience to take it at your pace.

It’s relevant that it doesn’t sound as if you married him claiming you were on your way to passing the test or you had a licence already ( I’ve read threads where people have lied!) he may be finding it inconvenient now especially due to his parents needing more help, but that’s still no reason to put excessive pressure on you when he knew you were an non-driver from the outset. And he knows your extreme anxiety around it I assume?

A lot of people are assuming he’s also annoyed tired of taking the kids to all the appointments. Is that the case @cannotDrive ? Or is it solely the in laws issue he has raised?

I do wish I had done it earlier, my life became much easier, but if you have great transport links I wouldn't be too worried . BTW I was never pressured into learning by DH and family.

I think this is key. Many people do overcome anxiety and learn to drive, but I think for everyone I’ve seen achieve this they’ve been driven by an inner motivation rather than any external pressure. This kind of external pressure from your husband is unlikely to help you get over your fears.

I sympathise, OP. I didn't learn to drive until my late 50s. Never needed to before, I lived in Melbourne, which was very well provided with public transport - trains, trams and buses - and by all accounts a nightmare to drive in. Only learned when I lived in country Queensland for a couple of years, where there was no public transport at all and you couldn't even walk off the property I was on - no footpaths! I was nervous as hell (not at all the level of anxiety you're describing) and took over a year to be ready for my tests. The theory was okay and I just squeaked through the practical (main problem was I was so worried about speeding, an instant fail, that I was driving too slowly). Much to my surprise, I enjoy driving now, an idea I'd have scoffed at a few years ago. But if you live where there's reliable PT, then no, it's not an essential life skill. I know plenty of people who manage just fine on this city's less-than-brilliant bus service.

Why for a week? One can do shopping more often than once a week. It's not a requirement. I probably go shopping twice a week and my partner also does a couple of times.
I make a big pot of stew which lasts us two dinners and that isn't even half of my shopping. The other half would be breakfast for everyone and lunch for me which is enough for a week. Others are not at home during lunch so I don't need to worry about that.
There is no food to throw away and we always know what we have. We can pop out to do a shop at any time on our way back from work or from the gym. If you are dead set on doing one big shop for a week, there are wheelie shopping trolleys which you can use. My mum (who is not yet a pensioner) is a non-driver and she has a fancy trolley for her weekly Saturday market visit.

Come on now! 😆 I’m sure no-one was deliberately misinterpreting anything. Well I wasn’t anyway. Why assume the worst? Lol

I had one understanding of it (that they’d taken private lessons from family) others had another take on it and then @Theoldqueen explained their understanding and I thanked them. I see the poster has now clarified and @Theoldqueen was correct! Simple. No dramas!

I agree with poster above, I think IF you decide YOU want to overcome this, hypnotherapy would be your first step, then if that goes well, find an instructor who specialises in nervous learners.

I'm in two minds here: on the one hand, I don't want terrified panicky drivers on the road. I saw some Reels yesterday with people saying "normalise driving anxiety" and examples of them freezing up and panicking during normal road conditions, which is fucking terrifying - if you're not comfortable on the road, it makes you a risk. So in that sense you're right - you shouldn't drive if you're having panic attacks because it's not safe.

On the other, if you really want to drive - try hypnotherapy or getting a driving instructor who's used to very nervous learners (there are lots) or something. Having ASD and ADHD isn't the 'cause' of you not being able to drive, and anxiety about driving can be overcome. In all likeliehood you're perfectly capable of it, you've just built it up to be huge in your head now - so if you really want to do it, there are definitely things you can try.

I am a reluctant driver. I do have a license (multiple, learnt how to drive in 3 countries and have licenses from 2 of them) although its automatic.

I drive very rarely, I prefer to walk to work for the exercise. If I go further away I prefer to take a bus or tram, I love the downtime on a bus.

Running a car is also expensive, do the calculations on how much a person is spending on a car plus insurance, petrol vs bus tickets and an occasional taxi.

I am happy that I can drive when I need to.

Being a nervous driver, when I first started driving I just stuck to a few familier routes - kids school, supermarket etc. I slowly gained confidence and eventually started motorway driving.

This part about feeling faint in the heat and feeling sick could be low blood pressure - have you asked your GP for a 24 hour blood pressure monitor and then trying to do things like cook a roast dinner.

I really don't want to come across disrespectful of your situation here but could your DH be thinking that you don't do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship - you don't drive, you cook simple meals, you make sandwiches instead of a hot meal and he might be getting frustrated by it so wants to get you to try to learn to drive again?

I absolutely hate driving. Really hate it and will do anything I can to avoid it. So I would never tell someone else they must learn to drive.
Your DH can sort out his own parents, that's not your job.
I have a friend who is 40. She's never shown any interest in learning to drive (her DH does). She manages to work, do school runs, take the kids to activities. She walks or uses the bus.
Not everyone has to drive.