To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

I thought we accepted ASD/ADHD as disabilities now? I don’t know anyone with these who can’t drive but I can well believe that for some it affects their ability to drive. As would severe anxiety or depression. We would not expect someone with certain physical disabilities to drive, so why are some saying that OP ‘doesn’t want to’ drive rather than ‘can’t’.

Driving is important to me and my husband. And it was a priority for us to get the kids to learn before they went to uni. They don’t need to drive but it’s an easier skill to acquire possibly when younger.

But I completely understand that some people can’t drive. And that’s ok. The OP has really tried anyway.

I learned to drive in the late 1980s. I lived in remote countryside (DH drove me to the nearest town for my lessons) and at that time I saw a statistic that 65% of women in rural areas didn't drive. I don't know if that was true but it gave me an incentive to do it. But it can be really tough.

Would love to know when PP done that because for at least the past 20 years there’s a very specific way taught to pass your test. It’s not like every day driving at all so it can’t have been recently, there’s no way you can wing it.

I struggled to learn. I tried 3 times and spent a fortune on lessons.
The last time I’d been made redundant and I got another job but the commute was horrendous by public transport. So we actually bought me a car and I tried again, also went out with DH a lot.
I’ve since had other jobs I couldn’t have had without a car.
Then DH was very unwell and wasn’t allowed to drive for a year, honestly, if I hadn’t passed I would have been screwed.
I love it now, I do lots with older teen I wouldn’t have otherwise and I’m sad about all the places we didn’t go when she was small in the summer because we were just reliant on DH for so many trips.
I think if you can find some way, it can be great. Even if you don’t then get your own car the option is there.

Just out of curiosity, how would life be if your OH suddenly couldn't drive or if he died or left you? Would you and your children be able to have a "normal" life without access to a car?

I suppose that depends entirely on where you work, where you shop, where your kids' schools are, how often and comprehensive your public transport options are.

For lots of people, especially in London and other big cities, public transport is good and there are often lots of "walkable" amenities, so a car isn't really essential. However, in smaller cities, towns and villages, public transport is often poor, and there can often be few, if any, amenities such as shops, workplaces, entertainment, within walking distance.

So whether or not you're unreasonable really depends on your lifestyle and how dependant you are on your OH for doing the driving.

My MIL never learned to drive and was utterly reliant on FIL to ferry her around for shopping, entertainment, days out, part time work, etc., and she was utterly stuffed when he died unexpectedly and she ended up basically trapped in her home except for using taxis for essential trips. She spent years bemoaning that she never bothered learning to drive and bitterly regretted it.

Most definitely this!

OP not everyone is suitable for everything. You have tried, repeatedly. But this is not a skill you actually need. You like travel by train, supermarkets deliver these days, and you don’t live in the a**end of nowhere.

relax, drink your coffee, and do t worry about it

I know, I live in rural Scotland now that's why I learned to drive :) I'm not from London though, from the north east but lived there from uni age. Driving is really essential for some and very handy for others but ops experience is very intense and specific one so I wasn't saying noone should have to drive, just that if she's finding it this hard and is managing with transport and some help from drivers in her life that might be the best way for her.

I really respect you for your sense around this @Icannoteven .

I know a number of people who are really condemnatory of people who don’t drive. I have to bite my tongue not to say the truth is the world would be better off ( and safer) if they didn’t. They are ADHD as it happens, ( though I hadn’t made the connection) but drive appallingly ( once one of them was ranting about non drivers as she drove and nearly had a collision even as she was ranting. Even she saw the irony!)

My DH is not a natural driver and eventually learned to drive after a family emergency when it became obvious things would have worked out better had he been able to drive.
He had lessons but what really helped was finding an industrial estate that was deserted at weekends. We went every weekend and practiced what he had done in his lesson plus all the basics over and over without the pressure of other drivers. Eventually it all fell into place and he passed his test 2nd time. He is now useful in an emergency but he will avoid any unnecessary driving!

Not driving is fine if located in an area (usually city or small but well-connected town) where you can meet your needs without relying on other people.

What would happen if your DH could suddenly no longer drive? Can life carry on as normal?

I have noticed a dynamic in driver/ non-driver partnerships where the driver gets fed-up, moans about driving and the cycle of anxiety for the non-driver gets worse because the default driver presents it as difficult/ inconvenient which is hardly reassuring when anxiety is a major part of the non-driver not driving.

I have a relative who had hypnotherapy to deal with a phobia. It wasn't driving itself that was the trigger, but they were concerned that if the phobia triggered while driving, it would have been catastrophic. The phobia was calmed to a rational level of dislike of the trigger.

There are instructors who are better at training sensitive drivers, and rapport does matter.

You're from London, you have no idea how essential driving is for many. I grew up in Scotland, not even a particularly remote part. Everyone in the area learns to drive because without that life skill their options for employment or further education are very limited, and they'll forever be heavily reliant on others for transport, including to medical appointments for anything a GP can't attend to. Imagine not being able to take your child to a hospital appointment because public transport can't get you there, and taxis cost too much.
Where I live now public transport options are much better, but even so most people have cars because it's still not enough.
I think London may be one of the only places in the UK that having a car isn't really necessary.

I think you've given it a good go. As long as you don't have to rely on anyone to get you or your kids anywhere, then it's OK. The worst is when non drivers expect everyone else to ferry them about, do the shopping, appointments, etc. So as long as you can spend the rest of your life prepared to take public transport or cabs, then fine.

I can drive, but rarely need or choose to.

The only problem is 'if my kids need a lift DH takes them' which sounds really hard on him. So you need to make sure you take on at least some of that responsibility in however makes sense logistically.

I live in a city and plenty of my friends don't drive but it's not like their partners then drive twice as often - they still take on half the responsibility via public transport etc.

Yes, I do agree with this.

Hell no to chauffeuring the in-laws, but it rather comes across that you are not pulling your weight because of your diagnosis. You can still do that without driving.

You should get tested for binocular visual dis function. I have a type called convergence insufficiency. There is a strong overlap with ADHD, it causes the issues you have described with judging distances/speeds and depth perception and it isn’t tested for in a standard eye test unless you specifically raise it with an optician (you may have to attend an eye hospital if it is picked up).

In response to Triffid1

Because driving a car can easily kill others, whereas other activities don’t tend to?

I am not an anxious person in general, but I have a massive fear of driving. I was in a serious accident as a child, I’ve seen first hand what can happen, and I would absolutely not be safe on the road. I have vision problems too now but that’s another story.

People should be kinder to non drivers. There are also many medical conditions that can appear meaning that drivers suddenly are no longer able to drive.

Driving - safely - is not a basic skill.

Lots of people hire cleaners to clean and do other very basic things and that is accepted but it’s not acceptable not drive and to pay for public transport or taxis instead, when driving can be very complicated for some, and even kill?

Some people simply cannot learn to be a safe driver.

I have inattentive ADHD. I’ve spent thousands learning to drive over the years and failed my test 6 times. I simply cannot concentrate for the duration of a test or make safe decisions in driving situations. Yes, it makes my life harder and the lives of my family harder but the fact is that I will never be safe enough to be on the roads.

I read a book recently by a psychiatrist who claims that people with ADHD drive as if they are drunk and are significantly more likely to get into accidents, especially serious accidents, even if they take medication (I can’t due to a cardiac issue).

It should be easier to claim PIP for this sort of thing!

he does all the cooking and likes to be the one looking round the shop/select the veg himself be inspired by things (so won't online shop) so I end up driving and pushing the trolly for hours just following him, wishing i could be at home doing some diy

That would be a firm ‘no’ from me. If he wants to ‘be inspired by things’ when he’s shopping, this shouldn’t involve you being a chauffeur for him. That’s a selfish imposition on your time.

Generally if someone wants to learn to drive, they will do. Necessity trumps fear. It sounds like you are able to get through life without driving, therefore there is no actual need to overcome your fear of it.

You probably could overcome your fear if you really wanted to. Normally overcoming fear is a positive thing but you don't have to do it.

Look at how many idiots there are driving on the roads. That should give you comfort that you could do it if you wanted to. Maybe it's that they are too stupid to realise they are not good drivers, but you don't have that problem, and if you know you're not very good at it you can practice at learning the skill if you want to.

Think very hard about what it is that makes you anxious. If you understand what causes you to fear driving you might be able to overcome it.

This might sound ridiculous, but consider getting a driving simulator set up. Get a computer, monitor, chair, wheel, pedals, gear lever, as much as you can afford. There are dedicated "games" for learners (eg here) but even a racing game can help with the basics if you choose a basic car. (Forza Horizon 4 is a good example - set in UK so driving on the left, with AI traffic (mostly) following the rules of the road, with plenty of bog-standard vehicles to drive in addition to high performance racing cars.)

Clearly this can cost a bit of money if you don't have the kit, but then again driving lessons cost a fortune too. If you can practice in the virtual world where there is no risk of crashing you can get used to the sensation of driving and the basics of following the rules of the road. If you can get comfortable with feeling you are a capable driver on a simulator, it can help take some of the stress out of driving in the real world.

But everyone with those conditions is different aren’t they? I struggle with driving because I’m very distractible and have quite extreme object permanence issues (so am terrible with directions and panic when I get lost, which I manage to do regularly even with a sat nav).

Driving is NOT a basic adult life skill.
Basic adult life skills are things like being literate, being able to communicate, being able to feed and dress yourself.

I'm a driver and my DP isn't, (no kids)
I grew up in the countryside village with 2 busses a day so we drove everywhere. I would sit on my dads knee and stear when i was 6 and could drive by myself from 14 (off road) so took my test as soon as I could (though a few goes to pass because of all the bad habits I picked up) my job also requires me to drive

DP grew up in a town with a rail station moved to a city for uni and stayed there so never needed or bothered to learn

... we now live central in a city with good bus/rail, both big fans of using public transport if convenient and we both cycle .. day to day i dont drive much (train to work, i aggree is relaxing) but there are a few instances I wish he could drive/we could share the drive... camping holidays, - he always offers to get the train/taxi but I don't travel light and don't want to carry everything on my back... and the big weekly food shop, he does all the cooking and likes to be the one looking round the shop/select the veg himself be inspired by things (so won't online shop) so I end up driving and pushing the trolly for hours just following him, wishing i could be at home doing some diy, I did love lockdown when I was just clicking and collecting all done in 10 min

*I'm dyslexic so sorry about any bad spelling

I could have wrote your post OP 4 years ago.

I was on medication to control my driving anxiety it was so so bad. I wouldn't sleep the night before a lesson or the night after I'd had my lesson. I didn't sleep properly for a month before my test.

I got my first provisional at 17. I passed when I was 37. 20 years off and on it took me with pressure from everywhere.

I won't say it's the 'best thing I have ever done' and I won't say I enjoy it because I don't, nor do I drive very far but it has made my life a whole lot easier and I'm glad I finally did it. Incidentally, I passed with no minors! I can drive and I can drive well, I just absolutely hate it.

OP, you sound very upset and I feel for you, I really do.

But I also dont' understand why driving is such a trigger for so many people. There are a million other skills we all have to master to get on with our lives, what makes driving the one that people get so worked up about and then opt out of. And women especially. I just can't help thinking somewhere along the line there's some perception about driving, for women particularly, that seeps into the subconsious of a lot of people. This might be a bit of overkill, but have you considered therapy to explore any of this?