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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell Neighbour's partner the truth?

34 replies

TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 17:34

Long story short, asked Neighbour if they would help out with my son after school twice per week (20 mins). Said I would pay for their trouble. Wife said 'dont tell (partners name) you are paying me else he will want the money" so I havent said anything to the partner. This arrangment was happening over 3 months and all was ok. However, her partner has started asking me to do stuff for them like take stuff to the tip, collect shopping.... and I have not done so due to work (they dont work) - he thinks I am being selfish expecting them to look after my son while doing nothing to help them out in return. He has started being off hand and cutting me evils. I now dont feel happy taking my son over. All this because she won't tell him I am paying them to look after my son 2 afternoons a week for 20 mins. Shall I tell him and get her in trouble? I just dont want him treating me like this because he thinks I am expecting them to help me while not helping them.

OP posts:
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BMW6 · 29/11/2024 17:55

This is an impossible situation. I'd change the childcare arrangements and tell her why truthfully.

SilverDoe · 29/11/2024 17:50

If he's abusive, she may be ignoring you because of him, whether he's told her directly or she's scared to contradict him.

It sounds like a really sad situation, something mutually beneficial for 2 mums has been wrecked by this dickhead.

I was trying to think of a way his behaviour might be explained by something not abusive, but nothing really seems plausible.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 29/11/2024 17:41

TeaAndCake28 · 29/11/2024 17:05

I drove past him this evening and he cut me the biggest evil. She is now ignoring me.

Oh God, what a bellend of a man

Sorry she's ignoring you - sounds like she could've been a good friend but it's her loss op x

JudgeJenny · 29/11/2024 17:18

That’s exactly why I suggested upthread that the OP pay her with supermarket gift cards. The husband might otherwise take the cash for his own pleasures.

Original poster
TeaAndCake28 · 29/11/2024 17:05

I drove past him this evening and he cut me the biggest evil. She is now ignoring me.

OP posts:
RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 29/11/2024 14:03

I feel awful for the poor woman frightened to tell her husband she's getting a little bit of money. It sounds like he might keep all the money and she's trying to keep just a tiny bit, because it's very strange taking money from someone for 20 minutes when you aren't actually doing anything other than what you're already doing with your own child or spending any money.

I understand you not wanting to come across as being an A-hole, but there will definitely be a good reason she didn't want him to know so anything you would have said would cause trouble for her. If he is giving neighbours evils for simply not doing something that isn't their responsibility or they have time for, then think how he treats his family if he doesn't get his way.

Circumferences · 28/11/2024 19:03

It's an impossible situation because if I were him, thinking you're dumping your child on them and not helping out in return AT ALL (which is the lie you're both weaving) then I'd be hacked off too.

If you tell him "we've been lying to you all this time" I'd be even more hacked off.

Just back away. It's not worth the hassle.

GranPepper · 28/11/2024 18:58

JudgeJenny · 28/11/2024 18:40

Might it help her situation if you gave her supermarket gift cards instead of cash?

I would say the underlying issue is the neighbour asked OP not to tell the partner; she hasn't; now the partner thinks the neighbour (his partner) is doing it for free and he's annoyed OP won't do things in return like taking things to the tip. It could be a volatile situation. We don't know if the neighbour is "under his thumb" trying to get some money together, or the neighbour's partner is just annoyed because they're helping OP with school pick up and they're not taking his things to the tip. Regardless, if I was OP I'd make other arrangements childcare while keeping communication open to neighbour in case she needs someone to listen to her

JudgeJenny · 28/11/2024 18:40

Might it help her situation if you gave her supermarket gift cards instead of cash?

Original poster
TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 18:19

Yes they dont feed him or even give him a drink. He is a good boy and they have a son the same age. They pick up from school (2 minute walk) and take back to their house for 20 mins while I make my way back from the office only twice a week as the other days I work from home.

OP posts:
Lwrenn · 28/11/2024 18:16

That money might be helping to fund her leaving because I don't know anyone who'd actually accept payment for 40 mins a week tbh, especially neighbours.

He sounds disgusting. You don't do a favour for a return favour. If its no hardship to help and providing your DC isn't eating them out of house and home or seeing how many heirlooms he can launch into traffic, I doubt he's any bother.

BigDeepBreaths · 28/11/2024 18:15

BigDeepBreaths · 28/11/2024 18:13

Why is telling him the only option?

Why dont you tell her that you suspect he is put out that you arent helping them back and ask if she can help you resolve that? Im fairly certain if youre getting those vibes from him he will have been bad mouthing

arggh posted too soon!

Having read tour update now I wouldnt leave my DC witht someone who was goving me evils and i suspected might be abusive in the home.

Original poster
TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 18:15

Exactly. He has been bad mouthing me as their daughter told my daughter. Doesnt seem fair as I have done nothing wrong, just been caught up in a lie between them.

OP posts:
BigDeepBreaths · 28/11/2024 18:13

Why is telling him the only option?

Why dont you tell her that you suspect he is put out that you arent helping them back and ask if she can help you resolve that? Im fairly certain if youre getting those vibes from him he will have been bad mouthing

GranPepper · 28/11/2024 18:11

TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 17:34

Long story short, asked Neighbour if they would help out with my son after school twice per week (20 mins). Said I would pay for their trouble. Wife said 'dont tell (partners name) you are paying me else he will want the money" so I havent said anything to the partner. This arrangment was happening over 3 months and all was ok. However, her partner has started asking me to do stuff for them like take stuff to the tip, collect shopping.... and I have not done so due to work (they dont work) - he thinks I am being selfish expecting them to look after my son while doing nothing to help them out in return. He has started being off hand and cutting me evils. I now dont feel happy taking my son over. All this because she won't tell him I am paying them to look after my son 2 afternoons a week for 20 mins. Shall I tell him and get her in trouble? I just dont want him treating me like this because he thinks I am expecting them to help me while not helping them.

No, I wouldn't tell the partner. Your neighbour may have a reason not to tell her partner about the money or her partner might have concerns about her spending, and you getting involved in their family dynamic might make the situation worse. I would probs make other arrangements for your son. You could keep line of communication open to the neighbour in case she needs a listening ear. Her reaction if you decide to make other arrangements might give you a clue why she asked you to keep the payment secret from her partner and, if she needs help, you could possibly signpost her to places that could help but you have to focus on your own family arrangements

Original poster
TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 18:05

Yes so I think I will just let him carry on thinking I am a big a hole, but keep her safe.

OP posts:
starrymidnight · 28/11/2024 18:05

DoneItForYou · 28/11/2024 17:46

I wouldn’t have left my child the moment I heard that the woman was scared of her partner knowing about the payment.

This. Make other arrangements.

cherrysodas · 28/11/2024 18:03

You could put her in danger by telling him.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/11/2024 17:58

Don’t tell him.

change childcare but do t tell him.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 28/11/2024 17:57

TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 17:56

I booked school clubs this week and said nothing to them. Instinct was to confront and clear the air, but something made me think it really isnt worth the aggro.

He seems weird - maybe he's secretly abusive, especially if he's giving you weird looks. I wouldn't want to escalate things either

MumOfOneAllAlone · 28/11/2024 17:56

I'm sorry girl, i know childcare is hard

What has she said about it, does she know he's giving you evils?

You've been really decent, it seems like they are a bit weird

Original poster
TeaAndCake28 · 28/11/2024 17:56

I booked school clubs this week and said nothing to them. Instinct was to confront and clear the air, but something made me think it really isnt worth the aggro.

OP posts:
SALaw · 28/11/2024 17:51

Just tell her what you've said here and ask her to sort it?

DoneItForYou · 28/11/2024 17:46

I wouldn’t have left my child the moment I heard that the woman was scared of her partner knowing about the payment.

halloumidippers · 28/11/2024 17:43

Absolutely don't tell him. You need to have a chat with her about it. He sounds financially abusive