Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

I think you have done a lot as you mention hair, eyebrows and nails. I have a dd aged 18 and she goes to the hairdresser twice a year, she has never mentioned her eyebrows and I bought her a voucher for nails as a present but she didn’t use it as she is still biting her nails. She does have braces and it has made a massive different to her teeth and I think I would have paid if I had to as her teeth were so crooked.

My dd does love make up and skincare and I know a lot of young girls do. I have not encouraged it tbh as I think a lot of it is a waste of money but she does have the interest and likes to get the latest products etc.

I do think appearance is important and offer to buy my dd clothes she might like, more because I want her to fit in with everyone else than anything else. I bought her some Nike sportswear she wanted but she never wears it and some of the latest fashions eg those big parachute trousers but she doesn’t wear them either. She is always in black! They are what they are. You can’t push them anyway.

Look what is done is done. But yes I do think it is important to equip our children for the world they have to live in rather than the world we wish they did live in.
You know looks are important and the world kind to attractive people even though you might wish it was different. So yes the braces would have been good. It's not to late for Invisalign! Or acne treatment, but it has to be initiated by them.
You want them to fit in and have an easier life no? I feel exactly the same about parents who say crap like they don't let kids do gaming, social media, hang about in McDonald's, out after dark, know anything about football. Seriously...do they not want these kids to have any friends or confidence?

I'm a bit torn as I grew up with a mum who couldn't have cared less how I looked - frizzy hair, big glasses and second hand clothes. I was a miserable teenager as I didn't fit in and she did nothing to help. I begged for contact lens and to be fair, got them aged 16. Then I got a weekend job and started updating my wardrobe and saved money to have a clothes splurge before heading off to uni. I learned how to apply make-up and do hair from uni friends. And by the time I was in my early 20s totally blossomed and was 'on trend'.
I don't hate my mum in any way but I learned that if I want something in life I need to achieve it myself and same applies with career, money etc. And your DDs are old enough to take initiative themselves.

Could you mention getting a facial for yourself and take them both too? They may then take advice from the professional on what to do next ie face washes/treatments?

I actually think you have brought them up exactly how parents should bring up a daughter !

And if more parents did the same there perhaps would be less focus on what people look like !!
your daughters are human beings with talents and personalities they will soon grow into their own person .
And when they meet there future partners they will be respected and not just treated as a object please please do not think you have done anything wrong at all ❤️ xx

It’s a tricky balance. We did pay privately for braces so that DS has them sooner and out the way by mid teens as I recall friends who had them at 18 hated it. I do also guide my DC to help with skincare as acne can definitely dent self confidence. Glasses aren’t uncool now, in the same way they may have been when I was younger.

I wasn’t hugely self confident at their age, not really sure why, it’s a hard age - I definitely wasn’t v glam as my mum wasn’t into make up or nails etc whereas some friends mums were so they were more clued up.

Self confidence isn’t all based on appearance though, do they still do sport, as that usually helps with self confidence, are they doing well at uni or find the work hard and that’s diminishing their confidence? Maybe do some more casual digging to see how they truly feel?

@Watermelon212
Beauty standards change so much between generations, now it's bonkers in my opinion no diversity , boys black tracksuit fade haircut ,grey joggers ( with hand down the front usually) girls long straight hair, fillers overly white , overly "done" teeth
You did what you thought was right at the time or what you could afford .

My mum was never into hair, make up etc. From an early age I was - magazines etc rather than the internet, lol. Point being if they cared they absolutely could easily be much more focused on appearance than they seem to be, it’s not your ‘fault’ if they are not. I do think you probably should have helped getting her teeth sorted - I had to have braces when younger and I am so glad now that my mum insisted - but that’s also sortable by your DD now if she wants to. Perhaps you could offer to help out if she did want, eg Invisalign braces, now.
Your two lovely DDs are young adults now and it’s up to them how they look. If there is a self esteem issue yes it could be linked, but it’s the self esteem that’s the important thing - something to gently explore without needing to mention the more superficial appearance point perhaps. You sound lovely and caring btw.

It sounds to me as though you did the best you could, op, and nobody can ask for more than that.

I'm sure your girls are fine, they all go through phases of not being happy about this and that, frequently their appearance, but it passes.

Your 18 year old's braces will come off and your other daughter can have orthodontics if she wants, adults frequently do.

Don't beat yourself up over what cannot be changed.

Why have you come to the conclusion that it is their appearances that are causing their self esteem issues. Have you spoken to them about it?

I dint think you are at all, but if they need braces and skin care support, then I think that’s important (the activities will lessen). And Vinted fir branded stuff!

The only thing that jumps out that I would have done differently is the non-essential braces, because my husband has exactly the same situation and his teeth still bother him in photos. Even wedding photos he mentioned his teeth in one, which I thought was really sad. If an opportunity comes up (without suggesting unprompted that she needs them) I would offer some of the adult brace options - I have seen a couple of influencers use some recently. On the makeup, you could offer as a Christmas present to get them a beauty counter makeover - it's a nice experience/gift without suggesting they are doing anything wrong. Although I'm not sure if makeup will make a difference without good skincare - recommend Caroline hirons for advice on tackling skin issues. My skin is the other end of the spectrum, eczema-prone, and getting that under control was enormous for my self confidence when I was at university.

I don't know I agree that its so important teens get to adulthood with straight, white teeth. I have neither and it bothers me a little but not enough to endure the pain of braces and certainly not enough to make me smile. I suppose if she asked for it maybe you should have stretched to it in hindsight but I can see why you made the decision you did. Straight, white teeth are nice but they aren't the path to confidence and self esteem. I think if you supported them in their talents and interests, were their cheerleaders there and continue to be, they will get through.

We certainly do live in an appearance obsessed society but I don’t think having good teeth and skin falls under this category.

No point in beating yourself up but if there is a way of helping them deal with these issues now I would try. Definitely pay for braces if your DD wants them.

Now they are adults they can decide for themselves. I actually think its great you made it such a non-important aspect of their lives.
There is soooo much information out there on tiktok and instagram on skin care and invisalign etc. They will be able to sort it out if they want to. Its not your fault.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Hormonal acne, any acne is difficult to deal with. Braces can be worn anytime, I got some in my early 20s, I know someone in her 40s who recently started with them. If it’s something your DD wants to do it. Your other DD is nearly finished with her braces.

My kids are 21 and 18. I am so relieved my DD 18 is not covered in makeup and taking selfies. She runs and does Pilates and does take an interest in skincare and looks after her very long hair but other than lipgloss occasionally she is natural. She does have a very close friend who is a very attractive and outgoing girl, a magnet for boys and men. This girl has had so many dodgy experiences, from boys asking for photos, asking for sex, sending photos all the way to a friends Dad propositioning her and the police being involved. My DD tells me just to help her process and support her friend. My point is the braces and hormonal acne have given your girls some time to mature and develop friendships, much more important than boyfriends too early.

I'm following with interest. I have a preteen & teen. At the moment all our spare cash goes into their activities, they do a lot. Which means we don't have the cash for the latest Nike runners, north face jacket etc like their friends. I hope we're doing it right 😭

I think you should have stretched for the braces at the time if she asked you. I would tell her that you realise that you made the wrong decision then and offer to support her with them now.
I would suspect they don't make an effort with their appearance because of their low self-esteem, rather than it being the other way around. However, they are adults now and your opportunity to influence this has passed.
If you think they would appreciate skincare, you could give it as a christmas gift.

Yes! My main response here is ‘Find less dopy, superficial friends’! And if their sons are 20 and 18, like your daughters, and they’re competitively objectifying their girlfriends and hoping they’re ’the one’ because the children will be good-looking, they should really think about what they’re modelling.

Lashes/nails/tan then no, I think it’s up to them to work out if they want those things and pay for them if so.

Teeth, I think parents should ensure their kids enter adulthood with nice, straight, white teeth if at all possible and it really is a game changer for self consciousness. Same for acne or any other medical issue, parents should do what’s possible to help fix it.

Makeup/skincare, I don’t think there’s any harm in showing them the basics if they express an interest.

both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses
What is making you think this? What behaviour are you seeing/what are they saying that makes you think they lack self esteem and confidence? (Apart from one daughter not smiling for photos)?

I'll go against the grain and say that yes, I think you should have sorted braces for the other DD and you should have sorted the hormonal acne for both. Things like crooked teeth and bad skin can really affect a persons confidence at a young age, rightly or wrongly. And that can lead to confidence issues in adults.

My DS now needs braces, it'll be about £4k that I don't have but I will find the money to make the payment plan work because I don't want his confidence affected at such a critical age.

However, I'm maybe a different type of mother to you. I wear make up every day, value skin care etc and feel it's important for me to present myself well for me to feel confident. Each to their own in this regard, but the braces and acne should have been addressed I think.

Could you get this sorted for them now?

Braces are a thing best sorted out in the teens tbh, and I would offer to do that now if her teeth are bothering her. I say that as someone with slightly wonky teeth at 50 - if I were 20 I would get them fixed.

Their skin will sort itself out, or if not they can try roaccutane any time (it works).

You friends...I'm sorry, they sound like idiots. Your daughters are at uni, they have nice friends, they don't need to look like something off love island. They will be fine. If they dodge marrying into families like your friends', all the better.

Well it doesn't sound like they were crying out for more support with their appearances at the time and you ignored them or anything.

But you could offer to fund the braces for your non-braces-wearing daughter now because yes, you should have funded it back when the issue came up first and this is something that you know for a fact IS weighing on her.