Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

Christ, they sound bloody awful!

When eldest DS got his first girlfriend I wanted to know about her. What music she liked, if she played videos games (a big thing in our house). To this day I've no idea what that girl looked like, it made no odds at all.

His partner now (with whom he has a baby) happens to be very pretty. In the early days, before we met her, my youngest DS & my mum found her on IG (nothing creepy & my son is kinda vulnerable so this isn't a usual situation) & we were all pleased her IG wasn't full of filters, duck face & selfies - it was photos of things, places & her sister. It was a huge relief!!

What makes her special is her kindness & patience with our son - she understands him & adores him. She's also turned out to be a wonderful mum & I think the world of her.

I'm so grossed out by your friends reactions to these young women, just horrible!!

Why are they happy that their sons are so shallow? Did they mention any other qualities these girls had? Appearance is given much more importance than it deserves. You've done nothing wrong.

I don't think you're to blame here. I think lack of self confidence is really, really common - particularly when you have social media filters showing them what they "should" look like.

Spending more money on their appearance would, in my opinion, just have taught them that they weren't okay as they were born, and needed to change things about themselves. You did your best, it's all any of us can do, and I don't personally think you did anything wrong.

Those saying I would have personally paid for braces, maybe op couldn't afford the expense, it is and was expensive and unachievable for many. Some ppl are coppering up for their shopping. We know nothing of her financial situation

Putting effort into appearance can help you feel good, but honestly, self-esteem comes within. It's about being self-assured and accepting yourself without judgement, no matter what.

Are you sure they have low self-esteem if they're otherwise happy? Perhaps the acne etc doesn't bother them. Hopefully you have taught them they have value beyond their looks.

Women and young girls are not used to seeing themselves without makeup. Men don't have to wear it, and we don't walk around thinking their faces look strange. We are conditioned to see women without makeup as ugly, when in reality we're just not used to seeing women as they are. It took me a long time of not wearing makeup to realise my face is actually fine as it is. It doesn't look weird. I now just wear makeup for me when I'm feeling expressive and want fun eye shadows or etc, not with the motivation to look good.

Also, appearance isn't everything. How many blokes don't care about their appearance? It's okay to not be 'attractive'. We don't owe anyone looking good, but ofc if it makes you feel great, then go for it.

On a side note- my wife had chronic acne for years. We both went vegan (not suggesting they do this) and she rarely has break outs now. Dairy can hugely impact acne.

Regardless, they're adults now. If they want to work on their appearance, they will.

I’m sure the OP’s daughter can make this decision for herself. My point is that her teeth look fine and it is a terrible shame that she hides them.

I was going to say that if you can afford Invisalign’s etc for your daughter, do it. Teeth in my opinions really do affect self confidence.

However, after seeing your daughter’s smile… there’s nothing wrong with her teeth!! I’d rate them as a 9.5/10. I’d say they’re on par with Kate Middleton’s.

Could it just be that your DD just aren’t into fashion/social media?

And, I often find those who are the most self confident are the ones who spend a fortune on clothes/makeup/treatments then spend the evening getting the perfect photo for the ‘gram.

They probably look younger as they’re natural. If they’re happy, relax. If not, ask them what you can do to help.

I would personally have paid for the braces because I see that as more of a medical issue than a cosmetic one but I don’t think you’re a bad parent or that you should have focused more on the way they look - it’s unlikely that it would have supported their self esteem and could have been counter productive.

It sounds like they were raised in a supportive, caring environment. Poor self image is a chronic problem for women raised in a patriarchal world - you aren’t responsible for the relentlessness of a capitalist machine making money out of women hating the way they look.

Continue to be a source of support and, when requested, offer advice. They’re at tough ages for self esteem but they will likely find their confidence improves as they navigate their place in the world.

Looks are only important if they're important to the individual. I know lots of people who seem happy to not care about what they look like.

What you describe re acne and teeth are medical issues imo not about beauty. Personally my skin is the most important thing in terms of my appearance. I do spend time and money on skin care and high quality therapies (skin pen, hydra facials and moxi). If my skin is clean and clear then it helps me feel good.
I really do feel for people who have acne. It must really impact their self esteem.

I have a teen DD who is very into skincare and I've taught her subtle make up over the years. I do think it's important to show them how to look after their skin teeth, hair and bodies.

If your DD's are interested in that it would be worth them booking an appt with a good beauty therapist who can recommend products and show them how to apply.

Your DD's teeth look lovely btw. My dd has braces at age 10. They're actually cool now for some reason.

Ultimately they're young adults. Unless they're bringing these concerns to you then I wouldn't say anything.

Re acne...skin+ me is a good thing to try
Teeth..invisalign?

My friend who spends the most amount of time and money on her appearance (hair, nails, makeup, Botox, surgery) has the lowest self esteem out of anyone I know.

@Watermelon212 I prefer your daughter's teeth to what a lot of teeth look like now I find the "turkey teeth" ,(for want of a nicer description) utterly bizarre and look like 1980s dentures to me.

I would only pay for braces if the teeth were really wonky, not for minor imperfections. Tbh it’s a relatively recent beauty standard to have perfect teeth so you possibly couldn’t have known that it would be important.

Also a lot of acne can’t really be sorted out, especially mild hormonal acne. It’s just a fact of life. If they had severe, scarring acne, that should have been tackled.

I often think about this with my own kids because they really want to look nice and I just don’t know how to help them. I’m not into skincare, hair and makeup and frankly have terrible taste in clothes! You can only do your best OP and it sounds like you really did.

Bad teeth are horrendous. I always look at someone’s teeth. There are no excuses these days not to have straight white teeth. It just seems sloppy.

I would pay for her to have braces now as you should have done it when she was younger. It’s not her responsibility to be burdened with the cost.

Physical beauty doesn't protect a woman from a lack of self confidence.

Her top teeth are great but a lot of her bottom teeth are crooked and the middle ones are crossed over. As we age teeth move to the centre - I think she should get her teeth fixed for health reasons as the teeth above will be not hitting the teeth below in right places causing wear and tear she’ll notice and might need fixed when older.

You did more re. their appearance than I did for either of mine and seem quite judgy that they aren't paying more attention to it now.

Mine had braces and regular haircuts. One had awful acne and so (at her request) we went to the doctor together and she was prescribed the mini-pill which sorted it. Apart from that and basic hygiene I left their appearance to them. I remember the goth years with horror!

It wouldn't have occurred to me to pay for nails or eyebrows or highlights for young teens. Once they turned 14 they got generous allowances and any personal grooming came from there - if that's what they chose to prioritise.

They are early 30s now. One is very keen on make up and grooming. She looks more glamorous putting the bins out than I look at a cocktail party. The other is much more casual and sporty.

i actually think the glamorous sister is the more insecure. She's always compared herself to her big sister and worried that she's not clever enough or talented enough or popular enough (for no reason - she's AMAZING). The glamour is a facade to cover up her insecurities. Her big sis is secure enough to not pay too much heed to her appearance on an everyday basis (although she scrubs up beautifully when she wants to).

Your daughter’s teeth do like mild - but the point is she is self conscious about them. Yes adults can change their teeth - get a free professional opinion she might be eligible for a min course of Invisalign.
re skin - we went to Dermo and got a prescription cream did wonders for my daughters acne and scarring and pigmentation from spots. But I only took my daughter after she asked me a few times. I’m not sure about suggesting to your daughters their skin is bad so needs treatment..
I heard boots offers this skin service now

I'm not sure what you could have done really? Braces only do so much, I had them for years and my teeth are very determined and are creeping back to where they were before!

Some people have naturally beautiful clear skin, perfectly straight teeth, and symmetrical features and some people don't. You can do so much with nice make-up, a good haircut, a healthy diet and exercise but you either win the genetic lottery in terms of looks or you don't. And it's very much luck whether or not your particular features happen to fit the paradigm of the society and time period you live in

This is a very image-obsessed age and maybe they are feeling self-conscious, but as they get older, other things will become more important. Some of their more beautiful friends will find that their looks are fading and they've coasted a bit because they could, and now have catching up to do!

Her teeth look great to me! I despise the current trend of bright white dead straight veneers. There is nothing wrong with her teeth!

OP - going against the grain here but I think you should have paid for braces and gotten their acne sorted. Can you pay for that now? Or offer to?

My mum was a perfectionist with her appearance and it rubbed off on me. It does create added stress, but tbh it's also enhanced my life. I've never been single, men have generally treated me super well/acted delighted to date me, and I've been promoted quickly at work. I'm not sure how much of this is my looks Vs personality, but I think feeling like you look good (even if it's not true) hugely can boost your confidence.

Obviously you don't want to teach your daughters looks are everything, but you want them to feel they look good!

I had braces as a child but my bottom teeth had moved again so had Invisalign a few years ago. Maybe better now than fixed braces, they’d be sorted relatively quickly.

You can still fix your DD’s teeth. Pay for her braces now. However, had you done it at the appropriate time it would have been cheaper.

Regarding Acne have they been referred to a dermatologist? If not ask them to be referred.

Re the pic of the teeth, they look fine to me and very straight. I would take the dentist’s advice to see if they can be improved but if they don’t qualify for braces then the dentist obviously thinks they are fine too. My dc’s teeth were coming through at all angles and difficult to clean.

It sounds like you've done exactly what you should have done.