Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

I love my son’s partner , and find her beautiful, because she is quirky and funny, and they laugh together so much.

Their baby is gorgeous too!

Your friends are really weird.

I agree the way you have brought them up is far more likely to result in confidence and inner self-esteem in the long run- they are at uni, it's a stressful time, it's normal to feel unsure and even a bit down, but they are adults now, and they can choose for themselves how much to participate in the lookist culture we find ourselves in- and everyone's own answer will be different. I met a lovely young woman recently who does not remove her hair at all and had a lot of facial hair (on T possibly but possibly not, definitely identified as a woman) and she looked wonderful and care-free, but I'm guessing those choices were hard won. I just liked her 'this is me, get on with it' spirit and she'd found a wonderful partner who liked her like that, I was full of admiration as I'm not as relaxed about myself.

I am in my fifties and have started going make-up free and not making an effort with all my colleagues, I know I look 'worse' by current standards of beauty, but it's so important to have some of my life lived with my natural face.

You have handled this just fine and I would listen to them and if your dd says she'd like her teeth fixed, discuss it, the money, the need to wear retainers for life, the whole thing- and do it if it's a goal in her life. If it's not, don't worry so much. They will work out what they want to spend their time and energy on in life.

I would have paid for the braces because straight teeth are easier to keep clean so future dental health is easier to keep on top of. Maybe you can discuss this with your dd and see if there is a way to get her Invisalign on a payment plan.

They are adults now though so can address the skin issues with their gp for themselves.

You are.

For acne, if your DDs are on the pill anyway then Yasmin really helps clearing up hormonal skin issues.

The NHS won't usually prescribe it due to how much it costs compared to a more standard pill, but it can be ordered via a private prescription from superdrug and other online pharmacies. It doesn't actually cost that much (£25 for a 3 month supply).

It sounds like you brought your daughters up the best way possible. It’s worse when perfectly attractive women won’t let anyone see them without makeup and lash extensions because they’ve never learned to accept their own faces as they are.

Detail of thread but just get a back up retainer @CarrotySnack ! It will pay for itself in peace of mind!

Sadly this is a reflection on your ‘friends’ - not even on their boys who may totally have ‘chosen’ these girls because they are bright and confident (like your girls).

There are loads of young men who have no time for girls who are appearance obsessed - my nearly 17 DS is one of those. He likes girls to simply be lovely people: fun and kind, interesting/interested in the world, sharing similar interests to him, ideally dog lovers. My DH is the same, although he does of course think I am beautiful (I’m not, more ‘exotic’/non English looking!).

I wouldn’t worry about your girls, or your parenting. They sound lovely. It’s very normal to feel a little less confident when at uni - it’s part of the normal growing pains. Just keep doing what you’ve always done, ie affirm how proud you are of who they are and how hard they work, and they will be fine.

The braces I would have paid for , currently paying for them for my youngest eldest i also paid for them . In the long run it's money well spent. The acne is difficult because it's finding and sticking to a treatment plan that works . I think all young people now are bombarded with pics of perfect people and it's so unrealistic .

choose different friends!!

I love my mum but the only thing she focuses on is looks and she did all of the things you mention - braces, teeth whitening, eyebrows, I used to get lashes done, tan, nails, hair. She bought me loads of clothes and always made sure I looked nice. I know she had good intentions but honestly the constant focus on appearance and critical comments about what I needed done did nothing but destroy my self esteem. Even today as a 30 year old with my own daughter I panic when I see her about what she will say about my looks, particularly now I don't have the time to get all the treatments she wants me to. I think it's much better to focus on your daughters achievements and their self confidence will grow with time.

Maybe a gift of a girls day out for Christmas - all three of you? Hair, nails, eyebrows and a make up lesson? I think if you are not terribly fussed about makeup generally and certainly not enough to start watching YouTube tutorials that a good make up professional who will teach you some tricks to do good day time and an evening "eye" makeup is probably dead handy.

Acne is trickier. An offer to take them private for a consultation with a dermatologist might be really well received. I don't think her teeth need braces either but we all have our own hang ups about random stuff that other people don't notice or think is an issue.

Braces are not 'basic parenting' they are a middle-class option for people with £ to spare- I know as I am one, but probably half the population or more cannot afford braces for their teens and so bad teeth are once again becoming a marker of poverty (if it ever truly went away).

I would help them play the 'game' by getting their teeth done, but be aware it is a game and it's not one everyone can play.

I’m very low maintenance and find the amount of money my son‘s girlfriends spend on nails, hair, waxing and make-up incomprehensible.

But good skin and good teeth are important. Not just as teens but ongoing. And can be solved by doctors. It’s weird to me that in the UK people can afford medical care but don’t get it if it isn’t ‘free’.

We paid for both my sons to go to a dermatologist to get roaccutane which cleared up their skin immediately - why wait till they have scars? And I paid AUD11K for braces for my son.

You can’t change the past but I’d help them now to get sorted.

It may have no impact on their self esteem though.

I’m on the fence about this. I would have done the braces and sorted the acne, to be honest. That’s a different kettle of fish to make up/ lashes etc. I wouldn’t count braces or acne medication as high maintenance, just basic parenting.

We were really lucky and got both DDs' orthodontics on the NHS.

I do get them and did get them nice clothes, trainers, makeup, skincare etc but didn't just blindly accede to every demand.

There's time yet, OP. Best not to peak in high school I think. I probably looked my best aged about 28.

DD1 is 19 and was a fashionista from the off- she had Opinions on clothes from toddlerhood. She once put all my bras on at once from a drawer when she was crawling - about 8 months old - not fastened but correctly on over the arms. She has worked PT since 16 though and mostly buys her own stuff.

DD2 is less bothered and still asks my opinion on clothes at 15. At 5'10" and slim she looks incredible in everything but doesn't know it. I hope she'll get a PT job next year.

You are don't worry. I'm so glad I had all those activities and it's created an urge in me to find activity groups in adult life, and I hardly think about trendy clothes, just what I like. I'm not saying I'm great, I just mean it's a happy feeling to have interests and know I can always find social groups etc because of it, and whack a bit of music or art practise out if I'm feeling blue. Bit hard as a parent to keep up with the activities but that feeling is still there. If you have a poor moment in your adult life and the thing which makes you happy is a skill, that's always available. If the thing which makes you happy is having the latest fashion, well you're gonna feel miserable in the poor moments.

They were talking about how their sons had girlfriends and were very focussed on how these girls looked. They were showing pictures saying how beautiful/stunning etc these girls were and how their sons had chosen well and that they hoped they were the one because the children would be beautiful

What awful awful people. You sound lovely, your girls sound lovely, try not to spend more time than necessary with people hung up on looks, it's pointless and a reflection of consumerism relating to appearance- there is much to be valued in this life and they are missing it.

I’m 40. This morning I struggled with my self esteem about how I look. Perimenopausal weight gain, hormonal acne since teens, exhaustion of breastfeeding a 2 year old etc etc all showing in my appearance. All this to say: it never ends!

OP we can’t all be stunning models, we live in a visual and superficial time - I don’t think it’s healthy and we have to teach girls to value themselves beyond looks. But acne is painful and misery making. Dr Edward Seaton at Harley street is a genius who sorted both mine and my brother’s skin. We aren’t rich but the amount I have spent on skin care over the years 500-1k to completely sort the problem seemed worth it to us. We saved a bit and asked for contributions from family as birthday/xmas gifts.

Pictures are not reality! Young women of this age learn how to take 100's of photos and choose the one nice one, use filters and angle shots to be most flattering. They do not reflect what they look like in real life. If you go to a university, there's a mix of how people present, but plenty of young people have trouble with their skin, not perfect teeth. Long glossy hair and smiling is in though.

I would offer the dd without braces braces if you can afford it- I did mine once in teen years and once again with Invisalign as they had shifted.

Beyond that, don't believe the hype. Do listen to them. You focusing on them as people will be sooo much more important, don't give them a complex about their looks at this stage!

As the mum of a 15 and almost 20 year old daughters. If your daughters wanted to focus on their appearance, they would do it themselves. My 15 year old took herself to the doctor about her acne and got it sorted. They both are the ones who maintain their appearance, hair, make up etc. It's not forced by me or something I have ever focused on, they went naturally that way themselves. I would however tell them their foundation needs blended at their jaw line and have done before, when they were younger, if I notice it others would.

Re teeth, I think the OP's daughter has a lovely smile, with very naturally straight teeth. I'd mention that aside from the cost of fixing, there is a big downside to having had bracework - which is that the teeth don't stay fixed on their own. I'm in my late 30s and have to wear a retainer every night. Despite what some orthodontists will tell you about weaning off it, I don't know anyone who has been able to. I can go a night without mine, but after just 2 nights my whole head is sore from the movement of my teeth, and I'm panicking that it won't fit again, and it's a painful squeeze to get it back on. And once teeth start to move, gums soften, and you don't necessarily end up back where you were - the new alignment might be worse than the original that you corrected. My retainer is the possession of mine I worry about losing most when I'm travelling. Keys, credit cards, you name it, are all nothing compared to my fear of losing it. It's frankly ridiculous.
My teeth were quite bad when I was a teenager so overall I don't regret having braces, but with teeth as straight as your daughter's, I'd leave them as they are - for her sake.

sorry @Watermelon212 i posted before reading all of the post i responded to

I’m not really sure an orthodontist would treat her she has lovely teeth! Perhaps encourage her to get a free Invisalign consultation and they may reassure her how minor it is? And/or how expensive it would be treat? I have braces now at 35 almost 36 and I really hate them I wish I had had them as a teenager but the difference is mine qualify for free NHS treatment they are so bad!

I think I agree with this. Nails, hair colour, tanning etc are their issue to sort/ save up for and I personally wouldn’t encourage any of that in a teen do I don’t think you needed to do more. I think our world is depressingly superficial, and it’s great when individuals don’t feel pressured to conform. Personally I think some of it looks a bit unattractive anyway if done so it’s obvious.

That said, the teeth and skin I think are quite important, as both can become one more complicated if not sorted. You don’t get worse skin from not tanning, or worse hair from not colouring it! But teeth can be harder to clean if not straight, risking decay and pain jaw alignment type issues if there is a big over or underbite etc ( not always totally obvious). Similarly, if acne gets too severe it can damage the skin for life, and I think there is a difference between colouring hair falsely and just helping skin to be a healthy, smooth barrier. I think if I raised it, I’d do it more as that sort of medical conversation - and stay well away from the more cosmetic suggestions, just to try to keep the balance of not making them feel valued for looks.