Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

I really don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all OP.

My mum was very much like you - my youngest sister and I have, since we left home, become much more ‘polished’ of our own volition (we funded our own Invisalign, investigated skin care that worked for us (retinol was magic for my acne) and generally care much more than our mum ever did about our outward appearance. I love that we were wholly loved by her for who we were and made our own decisions later on rather than feeling like we had to live up to my mother’s beauty standards.

I have another sibling who is much much less confident and seems to actively reject anything she perceives as vain - i’m very sure she wouldn’t have been served by a parent who demanded more grooming from her!

your daughters have been fully loved - part of which is support with good grooming habits - the aesthetic preferences beyond that are for them!

I would perhaps try Invisalign for the teeth . They are really not bad at all . I would also look at hormonal issues , go back to the GP or try an online doctor .

Her top teeth are fine, I would get the bottom teeth sorted with Invisalign - but that’s not hugely expensive.

Can you see a private dermatologist for their acne?

They are fine.

The only thing I would say you’ve done ‘wrong’ is not make teeth a higher priority if you could stretch to afford it. I would offer to pay for the teeth now - apart from that I don’t think you’ve done anything else wrong. They are adults so can go to the Gp themselves if they want to sort skin issues.

I agree with others that acne is a medical issue, not just about looks, but clearly some hormonal imbalance/infection in the skin. Sometimes you need hormones looked at and also anti-biotics, but again this is a medical issue and not an aesthetics issue

a bit like thinking hayfever is an aesthetic issue as it looks bad to walk around with swollen eye lids and a runny nose, but really it is medical first, and the looks part is only by the by

if i could afford it I would offer my daughters to go private to a dermatologist to get to the bottom of the acne cause

Yes, like quite a few others I think you probably should have paid for braces at the time. Unfortunately because of cost-cutting in the NHS most children who would have qualified 10 years earlier (at least 3/4 of my year had braces when I was growing up in the 2000s) weren't eligible by your dd's time, but as you can see from their peers a lot of parents paid anyway. Same with the skin, if the first few things didn't work you should have pushed for a referral to a specialist which would have been free when they were younger.

However the desire has to come from them. You making uninvited comments will probably just upset them. Things like the skin, THEY would have to go to the GP first to get the ball rolling. That doesn't cost a penny, they are grown adults and competent enough to be in university, if they are that unhappy they need to show some initiative. If the eldest brings up her teeth again, maybe say you acknowledge you should have helped when she was younger and offer some money now - bear in mind the cost you would have paid then will only be enough to cover old school train track style (like your younger daughter has) (in fact due to inflation and because she'll need all the x-rays etc again you'll probably need more just for those), so I would probably offer her that much, but if she wants to pay for invisalign or whatever (as she probably won't want the obvious braces at her age), it's up to her to cover the rest.

Overall I don't think the lack of minor cosmetic treatments is relevant - my mother never paid for anything other than hair appointments when me and my sisters were growing up, we would never have dreamed of her paying for eyebrows/nails etc. Of the three of us, I'm very low maintenance and still don't get anything done other than a haircut, another sister (who was the biggest tomboy as a teen) is very high maintenance and gets nails, eyebrows, extensions, teeth whitening, etc, and the third is in the middle, so there's no automatic correlation between beauty treatments as a teen and how you develop as an adult.

However I do think 'big' things like bad skin and teeth can make a huge difference to a person's self esteem and it would probably have helped them if they could get those fixed when they were younger.

I second this - my DD went on Yasmin and it cleared her skin up almost immediately. She got it from the GP.

As kindly as possible, I know it’s so hard to keep things ‘fair’ between siblings BUT: If one child had braces and the other wanted them too - I’d try to find the money for it (unless it was of course impossible). Otherwise, perhaps offer some/all towards Invisalign now?

EDIT: Just seen the photo of her teeth… they’re lovely! I’m American and my teeth are slightly less straight than hers and I got compliments on my smile my whole life. This has now made me a bit insecure!!

I agree they are adults and can now sort out for themselves how they want to look. I would definitely support your older daughter financially if possible to sort her teeth out. I wish I’d sorted mine out much younger and I’m very conscious of my own children’s teeth and would borrow money if they needed braces. Nice straight teeth are so important.

I have sons but followed up on both teeth (braces) and acne because I see them as part of health not simply appearance. I did it at an age when I thought it okay to influence his decisions. He's now at University and I don't interfere. I would wonder if your daughters still have acne in their late teens/early 20s whether it is an indicator of polysistic ovaries- might be worth checking out.

Also, those teeth are much straighter than mine and I don't think I've ever even considered braces!

I think braces is easier as a teen, so maybe a soft YABU there although I know if it's not financially viable there's not much to be done there - I know a few people who did it in their twenties and were embarrassed to be doing so whereas it's quite normal in your teens. But they can also choose to pay for invisalign etc if they want to.

Ultimately though you're assuming a lot here: you're assuming they're unhappy with how they look and that's directly affecting them, assuming they're behind their peers in some way. As an adult I've referred myself to a dermatologist to tackle my bad skin, I could get invisalign if I thought I needed it, I could get really into hair and makeup and my appearance if I wanted to. I think you're right that to go to them now and offer help when you weren't previously bothered would come across as critical: let them come to you if they want your help, and encourage their confidence in other ways.

What’s done is done, OP, and I don’t know the answer. You sound like a good mum for even asking the question, however, and I think your DS would appreciate that.

I agree with PPs that it’s refreshing when young women aren’t overly focussed on their looks, but no one needs acne. To a lesser extent it is nice to be rid of wonky teeth.

Your DDs aren’t yet at a point where they can afford to prioritise skin care, much less orthodontia. They might welcome conversations about the acne, and the one DD about braces or Invisalign now (if you can afford it).

Boots Online Pharmacy has an Acne Clinic with reasonably priced private prescriptions. I use a third generation retinoid, trifarotene (an updated version of tretinoin, which is the prescription only antiacne/antiageing ingredient at Skin and Me, Dermatica, etc) from BOP. It is £55 for £75g which lasts me 3-4 months and works out less than 1/3 the cost of those monthly subscription services. Of course it isn’t a ‘bespoke’ formula with over the counter ingredients added, but those are available cheaply as serums if wanted.

Also your GP may be able to prescribe trifarotene, brand name Aklief, for acne. Then I think it is about £30 for the 75g.

I have no connection to Boots, BTW.

Also if the acne is hormonal contraceptive pills may tip it one way or the other. Some are designed to help with HA.

Your daughter's teeth are straighter than mine and I had braces.

Unfortunately, I have tried that.
It cost my poor mother hundreds of quid at the time (I was still a teenager)... and it barely fits and is incredibly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is an understatement - as anyone who wears retainers will know, discomfort in the teeth quickly transmutes into pain after you've worn it a while. I don't know if the person fitting it did a bad job. I complained at the time I received it, and she just said that they all feel different and if I needed it, I'd get used to it, but it's visibly different from mine. I still feel guilty about the whole situation because I'd persuaded my Mum to get it for me and it was extortionate.
I contemplate getting yet another one now that I'm older, and probably should, but these days it's almost impossible to get the type I have, which is a Hawley. The only type anyone will do is a fully plastic mouthguard. My partner has one of these plastic types and he gets through about one a year because the plastic starts to break off in chunks. They aren't cheap, but more than that it terrifies me as I think it's a choking risk.
Anyway, that's a bit more detail than anyone asked for about retainers - but tl;dr: they are a lifelong pain in the neck.

Whether we like it or not, Men/boys are primarily focused and attracted to looks, not what degree we have.

It’s primeval and part of there genes.

if your DD’s are bothered about their looks, they will do something about it.

it’s really not that hard to be pretty/attractive.

join a gym, skincare, be clean, straighten your hair, wear simple stylish clothes.

As an aside - visiliners are fairly reasonably priced these days with payment schemes that make them more affordable (there may be companies that have a student discount/payment scheme). I had my teeth straighten in my thirties for my wedding as teeth continue to move as you age and I was aware that the overbite could worsen with age.

Also, any GP will prescribe Zynerit lotion, which I’ve used on and off for 20 years when I have flare ups. Sorts acne out within days and really makes you feel more confident going make up free. Am post menopause now and one of the joys of it is that my skin is no longer impacted so I rarely bother with makeup now±

Oh - on skin! Try this combo as a Christmas gift for them both. Pills etc are an option but come with side effects obvs, whereas a nice simple routine will help reduce inflammation, redness & promote healing till their hormones pack it tf in.

The Ordinary - squalane facial cleanser
Inkey list - hyaluronic acid
Cosrx - niacinamide 15
Cosrx - snail mucin 96

Just the first & last items made a wild difference to my son's teen acne when they were bothered by it, it can't solve hormonal acne but the healing makes such a difference. Even just the snail mucin which is like some magic elixir, it's weird.

It’s this generation I’m afraid. Shocking how young the girls start obsessing about their looks, with skincare, hair and makeup. Social media fuels the pressure to look perfect. It’s so hard for girls particularly.
OP you have given your girls the best start and allowed them to have hobbies and focus on more important things than looks. I know as a parent you always think you’ve failed in some way!

This is a thought-provoking article on the time and energy needed to participate in 'beauty culture':

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/27/cost-of-beauty-culture-benefits