Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

Hmm I personally think if there's a way to help them, without them realising it's you helping them, they might thank you later... e.g. what about as for a 'christmas gift' you got them both, and yourself 'Face theory' skincare? (or some other brand - but face theory has worked wonders for a few people I know?).

You could even tell them you got a free gift and do they each want it because it doesn't suit you or something. Just don't 'point out' anything as chances are they are incredibly aware but just don't know how to fix it.

For the posters saying 'they're adults' - I didn't have the first clue about how to do good makeup or good skincare when I was younger, and didn't have the money to spend on nice skincare.

@Ladywinesalot

join a gym, skincare, be clean, straighten your hair, wear simple stylish clothes.

Eh? Straighten hair?

Wow . Spiteful comment . Different time different standards.
I'm sure you've always made perfect decisions and oh course look amazing .

You can't just throw money at beauty treatments to help someone's low self esteem. That's totally the wrong message. If they want to do things beauty wise then surely they just buy it or save up, or ask for it as a gift at Xmas etc?
It sounds like you're saying they look less 'attractive' than their female peers? You say the one with braces hates them, the one without probably wants them. You can't win at this point.
Just be loving and supportive and help them grow their confidence as individuals. Don't focus on looks. Having clear skin and straight teeth won't make you happy.

Must have been hard for your dds to grow up with bad acne and poor teeth in this day and age, especially as both of those things are treatable. You can't now criticise them for low self esteem. As you had the money to have helped with these things, yes i think you should have.

Looks won't sustain a relationship through the hard times of life. Strength of character etc will.
Young men who focus on how a woman looks and not how they relate are destined to be the ones who trade their wives in for younger models once kids are on the scene etc.

Having said that, I do wish my mother had taught me a bit more about self care, grooming etc. There is a balance to be had.

I had to sort out my teeth and acne in my 20s too when I could afford it. I did impact my confidence but my parents didn’t have money for it. They focused in education and other things, they couldn’t do everything.

I have paid for my children for orthodontist. The GP treated them with Doxycycline and Epiduo for acne.

I’ve just heard an orthodontist tell my DS16 that his very wonky teeth - including one sitting entirely behind the main set - will not be healthier because of straightening via braces. I was annoyed - because that was the line I’d taken as DS is not motivated by vanity so I’d focused on easier brushing and better dental hygiene and less treatment in the future. The orthodontist then said that was categorically not the case based on the latest research. When I asked our own dentist he didn’t dispute the orthodontist’s view.

Her teeth are fine, more than fine, they are very nice teeth. If she wants more perfection than that, it's a decision optionally taken as an adult.

Regarding the friends' sons girlfriends. Yuk, what shallow people they must be.

I winder if you are comparing your dd's to their friends who have not gone to uni and possibly now have narrower horizons? Your dd's may be focusing on bigger better things and hopefully their net is cast wider than shallow local lads.

Vis a vis their skin, ask them how they feel and have them referred to a dermatologist if they would like that.

You could ask if they would like make-up lessons and pay for them. That was valuable to me as a teenager. I got them through an old fashioned naice secretarial college.

You can give them a few boosts from the saved braces money :).

My dd is 26. Had a great time at uni. Has a few highlights, rarely wears make-up, we sorted out her gappy front teeth with crowns years ago. Beauty is far beyond nails, brows and primping. I'd rather a dd of mine channelled Mary Beard than influencer types.

Tell them they are lovely and don't criticise. I can imagine the friends' sons' girlfriends and their vibe. I don't think it's attractive.

You’re right - that is shallow. I’d be ashamed of myself as a mother of sons if I focused on their girlfriends’ looks!!

My DS16 has just started with braces - again, covid delays. I don’t know how some of his mates got them earlier on the NHS as it’s been well over three year’s wait for him. He’s not the only one still with them though in year 12 - and he’ll have still them on when he turns 18.

DS2(24) didn’t qualify and although his top ones are fine, his bottom set are crowded and not straight. It doesn’t seem to bother him. It never occurred to us to pursue braces privately for him.

Yours are both adults now - and it will be up to your eldest if she wants to pursue Invisalign etc. I’m paying £3600 for mine now - in my 50s.

The makeup tide mark is something I see a lot on students who are trying to manage skin problems. Again, if they want to see a dermatologist privately they could pursue that. I paid for my own contact lenses as a student when I’d had enough of wearing glasses.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong- if you’d focused on appearance you could have spent a lot of money and had daughters who are still not happy. You might have made things worse if you’d taken that approach.

I think it’s sensible to be concerned about the side effects of Roaccutane.

Is it appearance or health tho ?

acne would be a health issue that a Doctor can be visited about.

wonky squint teeth would be the Dentist, if the Dentist thought the teeth weren't bad enough for it to be free on the NHS, then do they actually need done ? is her mouth over crowded ? are the teeth growing over each other ?
I do feel that Dentists have cut back greatly on referrals for braces for several years now - due to cost on the NHS.
I had my dd referred at Primary School, told to return in a couple of years and the whole course of braces then retainers was completed well before the age of 16

Do you think dd2 would pay herself for braces when she is in full time employment ? as this would probably help you in your decision to pay for them now...

I think that you were wrong, yes. You are also wrong by making this about looks. Teeth and acne are primarily health issues. Bad teeth are harder to clean and more likely to result in cavities and gum disease. A bad bite will have more general long term negative effects and can be a cause of headaches and migraines for example.
Acne can be painful. Might seem like a small thing but if you compare 2 teenagers having to sit an exam and one of them has a painful face and some itchy scabs. Who do you think will have better time concentrating?
The acne also is just a symptom of some underlying hormonal problem. Might not be anything serious or the hormonal problem might secretly be creating other issues you’re just not aware of yet.

If your daughters were overweight, would you be concentrating on how it makes them look and their confidence or would you be thinking about their long term health?

FWIW @Watermelon212

https://onlinedoctor.boots.com/acne-treatment

All priced, send them a photo and they will recommend something, and loads of options that aren't Roaccutane or the pill.

I put YABU because you're overthinking it, and you did not do anything wrong. If you had spent loads of money on their appearance and put loads of emphasis on it, then they might have grown up with the impression that their appearance is the most important thing about them and that they constantly need to work on their appearance because their natural appearance isn't good enough, which conversely would have had the reverse effect on their self esteem.

It's quite common for young adults to go through an awkward phase, it's all part of growing up and finding their way in the world. But it sounds like you've given them a good foundation to build on and be confident and happy as they find their footing as young women.

Also do remember that the vast majority of parents simply would not have had the money for the sorts of treatments you are talking about, so your daughters only received the same treatment as most kids in that regard.

You've done nothing wrong and a lot right, by the sounds of it.

I think there is a big difference between personal appearance - clothes, nails, eyebrows, hairstyle etc which you leave kids to develop and mature into their own style and health issues such as teeth and acne.

ds(20) didn't qualify for braces, I encouraged to him when he was a teenager he ideally should have had a couple of teeth out, but armed with all the information he was adamant he didn't want them. Now as his wisdom teeth are pushing in his teeth are (like mine) crowed at the bottom front and not perfectly straight at the top (your dd's teeth are much better than his), but he owns it as his decision and doesn't regret it and does smile.

We did get him to the GP for acne and eventually paid for private Roaccutane last year for his severe acne as it was clearly getting him down and he has been completely spot free most of this year and his confidence as grown with it.

I would deal with the acne as a health issue and not an appearance one - don't mention the make up or appearance, other than to day it looks uncomfortable/sore. If they haven't already I would encourage them to go to the GP for the first level treatment (oral/topical antibiotics really helped ds for a year or two) and to either get on the waiting list for NHS dermatology or go private (22 weeks of Roaccutane for ds cost £500 in prescriptions, we got his private consultations through my work health insurance). If they don't want to do it then it is their choice.

I don’t think it’s too late to help the second Dd with her teeth and yes I think this is massive most parents do when the kids are younger if they can.
If your not into makeup and appearance maybe your girls are lagging behind as they never had anyone to experiment with or who was in to that stuff. .

It is a harsh world out there these days . Girls are all full face like art , extensions etc . It’s not cheap to be a female and here days
@Watermelon212 what aboit you treat you all to a facial and get your makeup done the girls can get tips for there skin and blending techniques . This can be part of a Xmas gift .

Offer to help the second Dd with her teeth.
Go for lunch have a chat see if they ok .
Go around the shops with them maybe you will see a different side to them .

If her skin is because of Pcos roaccutane alone won't help, I speak from experience. My GP won't prescribe Yasmin anymore because of the cost and tried to put me on what they said was a generic version, my skin was awful in two months and my periods were affected too. I now get Yasmin from super drug online pharmacy. My local one even does your blood pressure etc for you. It's about £50 for six months which is not a huge amount for me and I know it suits me.

The teeth and the acne can both be sorted. There's not an age limit on either of them. I would only mention the teeth if you can afford the braces, but I would mention the acne. It can be done in a kind way. I've got a spotty young adult of my own. I simply said, you're looking a bit spotty, lets get some cream from here to help heal it so your face isn't sore, and got acne meds online via boots pharmacy. It's easy. I did want to say, though, OP, that there is nothing you could have done in their teens that would have fixed their acne forever. It can be a long term problem and need long term management. I had it from my early twenties to menopause. The funny thing is, when I was at uni, all the girls I knew who had beautiful skin were on medical treatment for acne.

I would also say that the women you know, bragging about their sons pulling pretty girlfriends, are also packing some low self esteem of their own. Is that the mark of success for a mother? That your son has managed to pull a girl who looks attractive in a filtered social media photo? Really? Not that he's kind, or adventurous, or independent, or doing well at work, or in a happy relationship, but his girlfriend is pretty? That's not healthy for boys either.

Disclaimer: I haven’t rtft

I think I am prob going against general consensus but being pretty enough is unfortunately and depressingly reasonably important for women.

and I’d help them sort it if they want if only for their confidence.

i had my teeth sorted in my mid 20s myself and it was transformative.

my orthodontist told me adult patients actually get the best results
I had train tracks for just under 2 years and it was some of the best money I ever spent.
od find someone decent not someone bashing out Invisalign treatment plans via randoms living abroad (this is common)

regarding the skin there are def products that can help it’s a case of finding them

if they aren’t happy about it and I imagine most people aren’t I’d look at something like a skin&me or semantics subscription
the nhs are fairly useless with this kind of thing unfortunately and with acne it’s about consistency and gradual improvement over months vs a 2week transformation

RE roaccutane affecting mood - I found seeing it improve my skin hugely within a week was the most mood boosting thing ever. Also she wouldn't have to have top dose - I had half dosage and that was effective for me.

If their skin is that bad they need to go back to the GP and ask for a referral to dermatology or see someone privately. I had roaccutane as a teenager and it's not an exaggeration to say it changed my life.

If you want a perfect example of low self esteem just look at the celebs who overdo it. White teeth, stretched faces and puffy lips. None of it looks attractive. Katy Price is a prime example. She has had multiple surgeries and multiple men, she's never happy and always attention seeking. Much better examples of women are the comedians and actresses that embrace their natural selves, Sarah Millican, Jo Brand, Dawn French, Helen Mirren, Judith Dench. I could go on but ultimately it's about valuing yourself.

The only aspect I’d think is any way relevant is the braces- I do what your daughter does when people come near and I smile with a closed mouth etc. I’d say if you can talk to her about getting braces or help in the future definitely do because when you get much older cost wise dentistry becomes so unaffordable. Other than that you sound like you’ve done great. To each their own and if other teens are into make up etc then that’s fine for them as long as deep down they’re happy with themselves as a person too x