Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

I am going to go against the grain.

I wouldn’t worry about the braces because their teeth aren’t that crooked and white healthy teeth matter more.

I think you should just gift them a skin specialist for their acne and say you got a facial and felt amazing and wanted them too.

Sometimes when you don’t know what it’s like to feel good you just sort of forget about it. Maybe they just need a bit of a boost.

It’s okay to take pride in your appearance and feel good and it’s okay to inspire this.

How am I sensitive? 😂
I think the op is getting some unhelpful comments, lots of " I would have" comments
Who knew when she was bringing up her daughters that today's society would be so obsessed with looking fake and as similar as possible to the next person?!
Fake hair nails and filler really wasn't a "thing" back then, neither were Turkey teeth or filing down your own teeth often in a foreign country to have huge white teeth applied on top .
Op can not go back in time
HTH

Completely agree. Those friends are modelling their own poor self-esteem and the need for other people to validate and bolster them by having so-called attractive children. It's pathetic.

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. They are young adults and if they now choose to focus more closely on their appearance, that's their choice. It's definitely not too late. If they are not overly interested, they will still find their niche in life, somewhere they fit in There are many successful environments for women who choose not to focus on their looks. Their lives are theirs to shape as they choose.
I think your friend has unnerved you with her focus on her son's girlfriend's looks. What if the girl is stupid or just a horrid person? What if she is a bad mother to these good looking grandchildren your friend is looking forward to? Looks are an advantage in life, of course, but other things matter much more.

Point them in the direction of prescription strength tretinoin from the likes of Demratica. Really cheap and amazing for adult acne. Finally got rid of mine after 20 years of suffering.

Could you help your daughter afford braces?

I work at a university and see students all the time in braces. I have also met a woman in her late 50s with them! It's not too late.

Hormonal acne is a very tricky subject to bring up. You don't want to mention it in case it upsets them but maybe they need the push. I would say if they say anything to you, tell them "I think you're beautiful, but if it bothers you, let's make a doctor's appointment" and do it asap.

Honestly though your girls are still really young. At that age even after going to uni I had no sense of my own style and no confidence in myself and I probably came across the same way!

Maybe you could have got braces, but I have (and still have at 36 to a degree) hormonal acne and it’s not necessarily something you can always ‘sort’. Or if it is, you pay in other ways.

Even the teeth, much of that is just the insecurity of becoming an independent adult out in the world. I imagine if her teeth were perfect, there would be something else to be insecure about.

And as for your friends’ sons, how shallow and disappointing. As the mother of sons, I do everything I can to move my boys away from this mindset!

I think you’ve done the right thing in not focusing on their looks, and that any insecurity and self esteem issues will ease with age. I’d do the same if I had daughters and wish my mum would have done that same with me!

Well she's the one who asked the question and I'm saying yes, she should have done more.

Are you always so sensitive?

I have had a similar issue with my DS and his skin, he’s 21 but has struggled with spots a fair bit. The first time I mentioned it he told me it didn’t matter and to stop nagging. Nothing changed and one day I mentioned it again snd he immediately called the Gp and is now getting sorted.

Like you I am not hugely into maintenance and my DD wasn’t bothered about brows, nails etc but she’s just kind of figured it all out. She’s very natural looking and tbh she’d rather be outside covered in mud than preening herself. She’s a camping, outdoorsy girl but does make an effort when she goes out but still minimal make-up and never fake lashes etc. She did go through a poor blending phase and I gently told her and she realised.

My DD isn’t particularly confident but who is st their age. I bet the fake girls aren’t deep down.

Your friends sound weird! Sorry! But “their children will be beautiful” so strange!

so one has low esteem because she has braces, the other one has low esteem because she doesn't?

Was this on the NHS and possibly be motivated by cost saving rather than actual research?
I’m living through it now in my 30s - recurring cavities in the same spots that are difficult to clean even with a water jet, a tooth being fragile because another wonky one was pushing on it (fillings in this tooth were always mysteriously falling out after 2 years or so, now after extracting the wonky one no more issues like that)etc.
My aunt is in her 60s and has been struggling with face and neck pain ultimately caused by a bad bite due to misaligned teeth. I know this is limited sample size but it makes me very sceptical of this “newest research “

OMG!

I'm like you OP. We were raised not really learning anything about looks at home and just doing well academically.all good and fine but it does catch up with a girls self confidence. I'm all for being happy in your own skin and if they weren't bothered but you were I'd tell you to back off.
But they are and like I was, and wish my parents had stepped up to help abit around issues like this instead of figuring it all out for myself.
Braces- I too was refused them by a parent and its given me a lifelong complex about my teeth. Everyone has a nice smile and it's just something that does bother me and I've had to get fixed later on in life as a adult.
Skin- get a referral for a dermatologist. For years gps fobbed me off with its natural you'll grow out of it etc but there were other things going on causing acne and no it wasn't normal at 20+. I needed roaccutane and it was a few months of treatment in my late 20's and it really really helped my self confidence re skin. I wish I'd done it sooner. I did have to advocate heavily for myself because they like to push back but keep pushing for it and be vocal of how it's affecting their confidence etc .

Because op can't go back in time.

How is that spiteful? She's the one who wishes her dds were more confident, while acknowledging she had the money to do something about medical issues that she thinks are now impacting her dds confidence and she didn't bother. So yeah, she should have done more to help her daughters if she now wants to bemoan the fact they don't have much confidence.

Still don't know how that's spiteful. I'm agreeing with her.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but I disagree with the idea that looks have no importance. They obviously do - everyone should be encouraged to look as good as they can do so they can feel good about themselves. I was raised in an environment a bit like what you describe and I regret wasting my 20s (and most of my 30s) not feeling great about myself because I had no idea how to dress myself, put make up on properly etc - it was never something I'd been taught. I'm ashamed to say I used to look down on girls who were really in to that type of stuff thinking they must be dumb but now I understand that there's nothing wrong with that at all and everyone should be encouraged to look and feel their best as your appearance does matter to the way you feel about yourself and the way others see you. 18 and 20 are still very young I'm sure they will 'blossom' soon.

https://www.paiskincare.com/ has made a big difference to me as an adult

If others are having botox and fillers, they will look older than your daughters. Sit them down and ask if they'd like help . I don't think it is too shallow to want to keep up with trends. I certainly walk taller when I feel good about what I'm wearing. Looking nice isn't just for your wedding day

Grooming and self care is important for both sexes. Rightly or wrongly, it has a significant impact about how we are treated in society. YANBU to think you should’ve paid more attention to this when bringing up daughters.

I don't think paying for braces and dealing with hormonal conditions is "focusing on appearance" - it's (imo) basic healthcare that you as a parent are responsible for. It would be different if you couldn't afford it, but you do say you had the money but didn't think it was important - lesson learned, I guess.

I don't know if this was helpful, but I took a multivitamin at university because...well lots of stodge and it cleared up my skin well. I might encourage some acne treatment so they don't scar, but you can only do the best you can do.

I think cosmetic appearance (as in nails, Botox, tan, eyebrow micro blading) is not the same as medical issues (acne, teeth). Caring about the latter is not the same as buying a new outfit every weekend.

I would argue these days having presentable teeth is helpful if you’re in a professional role.

I would also embrace your daughters for who they are rather than secretly hoping they will blossom (a word that seems to be only applied to women)

I actually see things very differently to most who have posted before.

But, before going any further one has to question what has happened recently to make their confidence regress, or not move forward. This will need to be considered very carefully by you. Is there more to this, their mental health, who they are mixing with. This needs further investigation.

I have found that many uni students talk alot about themselves and their family, and thus suddenly seem a bit critical of their own childhood and your parenting! and ds1 has come home with some comments of what other students upbringing was, and he seemed a bit critical of ours, so I had to put him right firmly on that!! I was a bit narked to be honest.

Saying that I paid for both ds's teeth or be corrected , braces, because they were minor but didn't qualify for nhs.

And I was on it like a rash (joke) with Ds1's skin, (tbf like I am with everything re my ds's, I'm very proactive on everything, chasing gp, the school for info or extra support to push them up a set etc, everything) - gp, consultant, short stint of Roaccutane. Many parents don't want to try it. But, I believe acne can be incredibly damaging for self esteem. So maybe she now feels resentful that you didn't do more? Even I think from your very short posts, that I myself would've done more? Do you agree, with hindsight?

Sounds like you were a great mum. I would have paid for the braces & acne treatment though.
Those are the types of men you don’t want your daughters to end up with!! I would much rather have a DIL who had accomplished something and could teach my grandchildren to be good people than someone who is obsessed with their looks.