Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

Sorry OP skin and dental are basic health needs.
Appearance is the first thing people notice about you.
Dermatologists is who you see regarding skin issues not a GP.
Yes people pay thousands and yes people push for treatment exactly because appearance matters in both men and women.
I’d be apologizing and helping with referrals.

Right then OP, being proactive, there are loads of things you can do now, re the skin and teeth. So act now.

Many MN'ers will know the trauma of bad skin, its soul destroying and can dominate your every waking thought. I hear what you say about the friends comments re girls being caked in makeup ( many of them are! And loads have mahoosive fake lashes). I have been lucky in that whilst being no beauty, always had oily but clear skin, so 1 swipe of tinted moisturiser and I'm ready for work in minutes.

Don't worry. You did your best and I think your daughters will catch up with others. It'll just take a few years.

My parents were always very negative about any focus on appearance at all. They would mock a lot of more feminine things (long hair, makeup, nail polish, clothes) and didn't help as much as they could have with acne and other medical issues. I do feel like we had a great childhood but were limited in our opportunity to explore and express ourselves as teens. However, with a bit of experimenting my sister and I worked it out eventually in our early 20s.

I think you should have sorted the skin and teeth when they were younger. My exBIL has terrible acne scars in his 40s, and is miserably self conscious about them. He also has terribly crooked teeth- he hides both under a bushy beard, your daughters won't have that option!
My 11yr old DS has braces, they are expensive but there is a payment plan, and I think it's worth it. There are so many things for teens and young adults to feel self conscious about, at least his teeth won't be one. If he inherits his dad's acne prone skin, I will make sure we sort it via GP/dermatologist.
I would encourage you to advise your daughters re their badly applied make up too. You don't have to be mean about it but would t you rather know?

I really would give minimal attention to this sexist nonsense.

I think there’s a bit of a distinction between being appearance driven and feeling deserving of things, I’m struggling to articulate it really.
My family very rarely go the doctors or dentist unless it’s absolutely necessary and you drag them there kicking and screaming, because we was raised with a “I don’t want to bother people” attitude. Whereas others will make the drs appt and have their regular check ups with opticians and dentists because they care about themselves enough to make the effort.
Im 100% not saying that you haven’t made an effort reading through your updates, but I definitely think some people are a bit more proactive with things then others, and this sets a tone/standard for things in adult life.
I had bad dental work done in my early teens and my front teeth were left to turn black and my parents never took me the dentist to insist on them being crowned and I spent my early 20’s never smiling with my teeth. I had to pay privately to get them crowned and whitened. In retrospect my mum should of said we’re getting this sorted and made the appointments I think.

I think having nice teeth is important and it is a shame your daughter doesn’t like to smile. The rest is not important but I think you should have found a way to give her the option of wearing a brace.

We knew nothing about it either as neither dh or I suffered from anything more than the occasional teenage pimple. Roaccutane can be unpleasant. ds had very sore and dry lips and a bit of fatigue. But it is short term pain for long term gain (hopefully) especially if the acne is severe and/or likely to scar/worsen/spread. ds had it on his back, neck, chest and shoulders by the time we got a private appointment.

Although everyone is very different, his course was 22 weeks, but it was only the last 8 weeks or so it was very bad for him - especially his lips which got infected, his friends were very supportive and he is glad he did it as he has clear skin now.

My mum never really showed me how to do hair and make up. I did feel a bit left behind and like I wished I had some of this knowledge in my terms/early 20s.

But now in my (very late) 30s I am pleased I haven't spent a collective inordinate amount of time doing hair and make up, I still don't use more than tinted moisturiser and I am fine with how I look.

I don't mean to imply everyone that uses e.g. make up is insecure , but for me at the time when I did wish I could improve my appearance that did stem from insecurity, and being able to doll myself up wouldn't have made that insecurity go away.

You need better friends.

It’s depressing as fuck how we as women are only deemed worthy by our looks.

I would have done what I could to help them with their skin and teeth issues. Most definitely. No matter what we might like to think - appearances do matter. It's not too late to help them seek advice with their skin and maybe look into cost of braces.

Really interesting thread.

I'm from a big family but my mother would have filed teeth and skin under health and well-being rather than as an appearance enhancer as you described in the OP.

My brothers had serious acne and she took them out of school for a dermatologist appt so that they could get roaccutane- only way to get it at that time ( I'm in my 40's), the orthodontist was cheaper two hours away so that was where we went.

Don't be too hard on yourself but it is never too late to try again.

Good luck

It's tough being a mum. We're always wracked with guilt aren't we?

What's done is done, but they're still very young and if you can help them now you should.

You could approach them gently to help sort out these basics which can have a detrimental impact on confidence - not just in relationships but career wise too.

Hormonal acne is a blight and for some never goes away, wrecks and scars skin and confidence. Accutane works very well and is available on the NHS. I had it in my early twenties and wish I'd had it earlier. You may have to help them push for it though as they'll have to be referred for it. I always wished my mother had paid privately for mine instead of having to wait years on the wait list - but you can only do what your finances stretch to. Being free of acne is so liberating and confidence boosting. I bet they'd love not to have to wear makeup every day to cover the sore bumps and scarring. Makeup should be fun, but for those with acne it's like a hateful mask you're perpetually imprisoned in.

As for braces, see if you can support a financial payment plan for that. As students they're going to be on a very tight budget. Note though that they'll have to wear retainer braces every/most nights longterm to keep them straight! No point scrimping to find the money if they won't do that.

Don't berate yourself. We can only do what we think is right at the time. Hopefully, you can help sort out these things now. All the best.

The question wasn't about fillers and fake hair.

It was about braces and acne treatment.

And yep, you're very sensitive - saying my comment was spiteful because i agreed with her that she should have done more to help her daughters to get medical treatment for things that cause low self esteem. She said she could have afforded it.

She can't go back in time but she can stop judging her dds for their low self esteem.

Hi, OP -

If DD is reluctant to try roaccutane or further contraceptive pills then a retinoid seems worth a go. These are topical only but for many they will reduce acne by up to 90%

Dermatica and Skin and Me are aimed more at adult women and are £25-30/mo. They talk a lot about bespoke formulae but in reality they have a few basic ones. They do increase the tretinoin slowly to minimise irritation. Uncouth is aimed more at YP, probably the variety of formulae is smaller, it is known for great customer service. Slightly cheaper I think. Again, a tret based subscription service.

The GP can prescribe tret + a topical antibiotic, in a single cream. Sadly tret itself is not available in the UK by prescription or otherwise. It seems easy to order online from abroad, sometimes dirt cheap, according to sources on the Style and Beauty forum. I think the quality is probably fine but technically this is not legal. No judgment but I am a coward

Personally I think Boots Online trifarotene hits the sweet spot as described in my PP, but you can see that there are lots of options

BTW with retinoids many have a period of worse skin before it clears up

I do think parents are responsible for sorting out crooked teeth. The OP said they could have paid but it was expensive so trey didn't bother. To me that is weird.
Equally the whole attitude towards the acne seemed very unbothered. As a parent I would have 100% gone the extra mile for these things. To prevent scarring as well.

To say, well they are adults so it's their problem now whilst true doesn't address the point that yes, I think the OP was lacking in this area. They should have been dealt with when they were young

This is interesting to me, as like you I'm not really knowledgeable about make up and fashion. More of a jeans and t-shirt, practical type of lady.

I'm not yet at the parenting stage you are at, but I will probably sort braces out as I didn't have them and do feel embarrassed about my teeth. I always planned to get braces for myself but something always crops up money wise and haven't been able to. So it has been a hindrance to me not having had them done in my youth.

I have always thought as I have little knowledge of makeup that a nice bonding thing to do and also useful for them would be to attend a short block of make up evening classes together.

My nearest city is Glasgow and I know the colleges there run all sorts of evening classes including a make up one like this one: https://www.glasgowclyde.ac.uk/courses/6485-makeup/5839

Is something like that possible near you? It would give you some quality time together and they'd get good advice, so you wouldn't need to critique them. Might be enjoyable for you all to do together.

Regarding your friends being pleased with girlfriends looks, I think that's bad on their part and poor form.

A person is more than their looks and sounds like you gave your girls a lot of experiences to build their character, and character is more important in my opinion.

@Watermelon212 you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If your daughters have hormonal acne, they need to see a GP/Dermatologist. You can book the appointment but you can't make them go and you can't make them take the meds.

You can give them money but you can't make them go get facials and peels.

You can give them money but you can't make them get teeth whitening or get them to brush their teeth regularly.

It takes effort to be one of those bottle blonde, fake tanned, white turkey-teethed girls who trot around in Skims with their Stanley bottles and stupid amount of keys/keyrings jangling.

Boys may like the porn star look but real girls just don't look like that all the time.

Your girls can dress up and attract the superficial driven lad types or they can work on themselves to be happy and live life to the full and attract a real life partner who wants them for their personalities and not because they have a fully waxed minge and 3 inch long nails.

You can pay for all of it but its not going to help your daughters if they don't make the effort, don't maintain it all and simply do not feel their worth and beauty.

I think you should pay for braces for your dd who isn’t happy with her teeth

I think you should have made more of an effort with the acne and paying for braces.
Money on lashes, nails etc is not near then same.
Some of mine took different medications for their acne and it really helped them. Not just visually but their skin had been painful so it was a relief that pain/ comfortableness was gone.
If you have the funds, I would suggest talking to your daughter about helping her get braces. She might only need them for her bottom teeth. A repayment plan might help.