Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

Yes - but DS is getting the treatment so it wasn’t a reason to refuse it. I mentioned the importance of straightening the teeth to prevent future decay - and the orthodontist shot me down in flames!!

You would do better to encourage them to be happy with themselves now, than to focus on identifying things could change in pursuit of some form of "perfection", it doesn't exist and just leads to dysmorphia and wanting to change everything about yourself.

Tell them they look lovely when they don't have the makeup trowelled on. Compliment the choices they make that reflect their personalities and what they have control over - a top in a colour that suits them, an artistic/stylish accessory, when they've made an effort to do a new hairstyle, a bold/fun lipstick choice.

The teeth are absolutely fine so stop projecting there's absolutely nothing wrong there.

I wouldn't put having healthy skin & teeth in the same bracket as bothering overly with appearance.

Bad acne can be awful, really sore and leave a lot of scarring. I'd consider it a health issue and would have fought hard to find the money to try things for that. Did they try roaccutane?

I had adult acne in my early 20s and dianette did not work for me at all, really bad side effects. Pro-activ worked wonders, it is a US product that used to be available in Boots but is no longer available in England I think. My mother, who is generally the sharpest critic of my physical appearance, got it for me and I was grateful when it worked. My acne was painful, I was open to trying anything and everything.

Those teeth look great, I can’t believe braces even came up! They are far straighter than mine and mine have never been a negative. The skin one is hard, but it isn’t the root cause of any issues they have. Just try and stay close to them op, and be supportive. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

Posting pictures of your daughters teeth online for strangers to judge their appearance is fairly extreme behaviour. It doesn’t matter that they aren’t identifiable, although I’m glad they aren’t as I doubt your daughter has consented!

I think you are right to continue focusing on other aspects of your daughters besides their appearance. It does come across like you are very anxious about how they look, and they may pick up on that. How someone looks should be the least interesting thing about them. The remark made to you by your friend about their sons preferring ‘naturally good looking girls without make up’ is sexist and i wouldn’t want my daughters dating such men anyway. I think you are at risk of giving this far too much headspace.

Be careful not to project your concerns and worries onto your daughters. It all sounds perfectly fine to me. They are very young and finding their feet. Posting a picture of your daughter’s teeth online for strangers to judge is pretty extreme. They both clearly have a lot going for them, just make sure to be positive around them and highlight all their brilliant qualities.

@Caerulea exactly, a person being made to feel they have to change your natural hair pattern to conform to a certain aesthetic is not right; and definitely could be seen as racist if the person feeling under pressure to confirm is a different race.

@sommerjade as someone who has poker straight hair I can tell you curly hair is STUNNING. My algorithms must think I've curly hair cos I linger on so many videos of luscious waves 😭.

That aside - I take issue with changing fundamentals about yourself to conform & your hair type is as you as it's possible to get. (also, kinda racist no?)

@Caerulea
I also noticed the 'straighten hair' comment.. as if curly hair isn't beautiful!! Which it very much is!

It's a tricky one for parents and as you say COVID happened right when you would have gotten braces and acne sorted. My daughter came to me about acne and I said we would sort it. But she came to me about it. And we did sort it through a combination of antibiotics, pill and strong retinoids. Undoubtedly, this has had an improvement in esteem. This was through NHS as well. My son also doesn't qualify for braces but his teeth are not straight. He knows we can pay for a brace but I have said he needs to let us know what he wants to do next summer (which also gives us time to save). I think it's fair to leave the ball in their court as long as they know you are there to help.

I would put it down to university rather than how they look. Uni is a really weird bubble which is often an extension of secondary school, the bitchiness, the judgement, the superficiality. It's not always like that but it often is. I find after that things start to calm down, you tend to end up working with people who are more grown up, more professional, more worldly and hopefully more empathetic.

I'd continue to concentrate on things other than their appearance. Relying on your appearance or what other people think of for your self esteem is a dangerous game.

You’re right that young women are judged more on their looks than their accomplishments but I don’t think that’s a new thing. Attractive women always get the better job offers in my experience.

I’ve paid €5K to get Invisalign straighteners for my teen’s teeth. (No free orthodontic treatment here in Ireland)

He’s almost finished with them and he’s looking great. I consider it money well spent even though we’re on a low income.

I hated my teeth all my adult life and it’s affected my confidence massively as my top lip covers my top teeth even when I smile, so it looks very odd.

@Watermelon212 if they expressed these feelings would you immediately equate them with appearance? As I said, if they wanted beauty products or treatments they can buy them or ask you for them as a bday/Xmas gift.
If they haven't mentioned it then I wouldn't assume it's that relevant.
Hopefully if they were upset or feeling like something was lacking in their lives they could talk to you? It's very common for teens to lack confidence.
Those that do have it, well, let's just say it's often vastly misplaced.
We all thought we were hideous as teens, surely? I look back on it now with a wry laugh, talking to my younger self 'listen luv, if you think you're ugly now it'll only get worse' 🤣

OP! Here's the thing - life isn't all roses. When we are very young,we can be happy most of the time as long as our home is safe, our parents good enough and our school supportive.

However,as we get older normal human emotions will inflict us!

I know you desperately want to.protect your children and ensure they are always happy. But that is simply not realistic

Part of becoming an adult is learning that it's ok not to be ok sometimes. 18 to 24 is a time of massive transition, and it is normal to feel sad at points during that period, to lack confidence, to experience anxiety etc..

The best thing you can do for your girls is to be there if they need you, but otherwise step back.

Don't try and get rid of their emotions for them. Don't try and make them happy by seeking to take away whatever makes them sad/anxious etc... That will only teach them they should be happy and it's not ok to feel sad.

Allow them to feel a range of human emotions. To have sad weeks, to have months of poor confidence. They will learn ways to cope and come through it. It is a normal.part of growing up and as parents we have to accept that, like us, our children will not always be blissfully happy and confident. That's ok

In these circumstances i don't think it would be at all helpful to say "actually I've been thinking and we would like to help you with orthodontic treatment" or buy skincare or similar for Christmas. If my mum had done that I would have heard (and did hear) "you're ugly/I want you to look different)

I would pile on the love. If you think DD1 seems a bit down then maybe say that to her and ask if there is anything she's worried about.

Dd2 it's a bit tricky as you say she is already fending you off. Is there a pastoral officer at uni?

Their teenage years would have been affected by the pandemic, that's a pretty major disruption for teenagers. I don't think you're to blame for them to being the way they are now. Though it does seem they still feel a little bitter about the skin issues. Perhaps you could offer to pay for some treatments? Don't be hard on yourself though . We all (most of us) do our best when we can.

Not acne. If the answer is Roaccutane then she's best with a GP first

That was very shallow so I wouldn't pay attention to that.

The only thing that I personally think warrants the money are braces. Good teeth go a huge way towards confidence as well as oral health

As to the acne, depends how bad it is but they need to go to the GP. Some cures are very drastic so they need to discuss with a doctor