I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.
Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.
I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.
I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.
I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.
For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.
Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.
I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.
I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?
Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.