Asking fathers permission to propose

I’ve genuinely only ever encountered that on Mn, and I’ve lived in lots of different countries. Even students of mine who would be having an arranged or semi-arranged marriage just after their graduation would have thought this was a weird, reactionary charade, and they were actually going to marry people selected by their parents!

Out of curiosity did she ask for her future PIL's blessings before accepting?

I'd have cringed if dh had done that.

It's surely not "asking permission" these days. It's saying he would like to marry you, their (Dad's or the parents') daughter. Hoping for a big smile and expressions of joy. So getting their blessing rather than needing their permission in order to move forward.
My DH asked my Dad after we'd decided (not a proposal!) and I was really pleased he did.
Traditions matter to some people. This one is a kind of stage in growing up.

It’s one of those old fashioned and outdated traditions - similar to some women automatically taking their husbands surname.

My husband asked my dad and I thought that was lovely!
My dad was thrilled to be asked, gave my husband his blessing, and my dad gave me away at our wedding.

I have no issue with traditions like this

People pick and choose though. Like, there are many women that still expect the tradition of the man paying!

it was lovely that my parents were in on it and first to know

God no, if I'm getting married I want to be the first to know about it, not second or third!

This!! I feel like “proposals” and “engagements” weren’t even so much of thing a generation ago? Theres been a bizarre resurgence in these things- I guess part of insta culture? Proposals made sense in the Jane Austen era, they don’t make any sense in the context of current relationships. People live together/ buy property/ sometimes have kids and then announce their engagement . It’s hardly news is it? I’m thinking- “um yes, we did all already figure you two were an item!”

Dh asked my dad but I think really it’s polite telling/informing. Depending on family dynamics, for us it was lovely that my parents were in on it and first to know. If dad had said no then we would still have got married.

What? 😳
My (emotionally abusive) father was dead at that time, anyway.

I'm surprised this is still a thing it didn't happen when we got married over 40 years ago.

If my DH of 28 years had asked my dad for permission, dad would have laughed him out of the house and told him that if he thought that was a good idea he didn't know me well enough to marry me. I think its just weird.

It's not charming, it's sexist and absolutely ridiculous. Assuming the prospective bride is an adult woman, what on earth has her parents' "permission" got to do with it?

I expect most of these couples are already living together. Did the bloke ask permission of the father to "live in sin" with the daughter. A traditional father would have been more likely to have an opinion on that!

My dad is in his early 80s and very traditional/a bit sexist on some things but he is totally flummoxed by this particular tradition. He says if either of his sons in law had asked permission to marry his daughters he would have said "Why on earth are you asking me? Why aren't you asking her? She's the only person who can permit you to marry her!"

Asking parents (not just the father) for blessing/approval is slightly different, but even that should come from BOTH parties in the couple, once they've already established an agreement to marry. As other posters have said, if Dad says no, what are they going to do about it? Just say oh, OK then we won't get married.

Nothing romantic or special about men deciding women's life choices for them. Yuck!

My DP didn’t ‘ask’ my Dad (or my Mum) but he did tell them both in advance.

He told my Mum so she could help with ring sizing. She engineered a situation where we looked through my late Nan’s jewellery and we tried her rings on. One fit perfectly, so she got it sized and I never suspected a thing as she got me to try it on my other hand!

He told my Dad when they went out for their usual beers (he doesn’t have a Dad, so mine just adopted him as his own). My Dad died very suddenly earlier this year so he never made our wedding, but I’m glad he got to be involved in the engagement in some way as he was over the moon for us.

My DH did this (I overheard the conversation). I forgave him though as he’s foreign and thought that’s what people do in the UK. My dad swiftly and politely said, actually I think this is her choice don’t you. It is the 21st century after all!“

Slippery slope, isn't it? Without going all feminist, I would just like to point out that FGM is also traditional but you don't see many people who follow this tradition being praised for their manners and exemplary upbringing. Yes, I realise this is an extreme example but sometimes it is necessary to take things out of proportion to highlight the point.

My eldest DD partner asked to come over and then asked us both if he could propose to our DD last December. Nothing for permission, as they are both adults, but for our blessing.
Our DD has views and would NOT have accepted any proposal without a blessing. A supportive family is important to her.

I totally agree. People do things because “it’s tradition” without giving it any thought. Just because something is tradition doesn’t mean it has to be adhered to or is even good or benign. I agree with you that it perpetuates subjugation of women in subtle ways, but then I think that about most things to do with the institution and traditions around marriage.

I'm just going to leave this here, says it all really

I'd have been pissed off if my dp had done this but more to the point it would have lowered him in my dad's estimation. And my dad is 85!

I'd be furious with anyone who felt they needed to ask my Dad first. He's not marrying them!!
I know my parents, who got married in 1969 (engaged in '67 or '68), didn't seek permission either - just asked for blessing, once they'd already actually gotten engaged.

Disagree

I like traditions and I'm youngish!

DH asked my parents and I'd have been disappointed if he hadn't tbh

Each to their own.

My dad was born in 1919, I'm pretty sure my DH would have plummeted in his opinion if the latter done something as sexist and insulting to me as asking his 'permission'!

And I know DF didn’t ask DMs father - it was a family anecdote that the latter wanted her to stay at home to look after him and her disabled mother and he’d seen off her previous young man. Instead DF told him ‘ I’m not going to argue with you but I am going to marry your daughter’. GP totally respected him for that and DF was the best son in law he could have wished for.