Asking fathers permission to propose

My father in law doesn't speak English, I speak a bit of the language but had extra lessons role playing so I had the right vocab. I was hoping to say I plan to ask her I hope I have your blessing, but given the language difference I'm not entirely sure what comes out, but we've been married many years now so I guess it wasn't too far out.

I didn’t but mum did and that was because the vicar pointed out that dad should never ask her to do anything she wouldn’t want to do - in his vows. I think it’s very individual and people shouldn’t mock other people’s traditions.

Why does your dad have decision making powers over your life? This is so weird

I wasn't my father's propefty but I was still his little princess 😁

Dh asked my parents for blessing. He is from different culture. He was bricking it for aome reason. Dad tried to score a camel out of it. It was hilarious

My DH "asked" my dad because I told him I'd like that because I'm so so close to my dad and it's my first ever relationship (still together 14 years later and married 8). It wasn't really asking as in, it wouldn't have mattered what my dad had said, it was more like telling him packaged up as asking?

I think if the couple are happy to do it then why does it matter? You don't agree and that's fine, others like to do it and that's also fine. I don't see the big deal.

We’d chosen a ring together and he’d booked a trip to Paris so the clues were there. He has a great relationship with my parents so it worked for us. As I say, family dynamics are so varied. What works for one family won’t work for another. We’ve been married 20 years and have 3 daughters. I don’t really expect dh to be asked permission but happy if they do. Not one of the feminism/equity fights I’m bothered about. So many other things to be angry about.

dad did ask dh to repeat the question to mum (while laughing historically apparently 🙄). I’ve always been quite a stubborn and independent woman who was never getting married or having children so df was pleasantly surprised (and loved my dh).

Did you go and ask the same of your future in-laws?

I would have more than cringed. I would have dumped him.

This. It was lovely. It meant a lot to me that he gave my dad that moment.

Same here, though he specifically asked for their blessing rather than permission. My parents absolutely adore DH and said it was one of the happiest moments of their lives knowing he was going to propose and be in our family forever.

Why did he ask your father and not your mother? Did you make a similar request to your father in law? Would you have still got married if your father had disapproved?

Did people who like this promise to "love, honour and obey" at their wedding?

It naff and would put me right off someone. I don’t really care too much about the sexism of it because I don’t think the 2 men involved in it really believe it’s a serious question or that either if them have any say. They are doing a dumb role play activity and we are supposed to think this somehow makes them polite and well mannered when they are just asking for cookies for being soo considerate without considering the woman at all. I don’t think they are sexist as such (although it’s definitely sexist fundamentally) but it’s a way to make themselves the main character. Naff and cringe. They’ll then covertly film the proposal and put in on Facebook.

But surely you only ask the father once. Once divorced you ask the ex husband as ownership has transferred?

Not trying to be argumentative, but do you not find it a bit odd that your parents knew about your impending marriage before you did (assuming it was a genuine surprise proposal)? I'm all for telling close family important news before announcing to social media and the wider world, but before the person whose life it actually involves? Just seems illogical to me.

I also hope for all the people saying that it's important to get support of family in important life choices etc, that when your DH got down on one knee you consulted his parents before saying yes? Or at least checked that you have his mother's blessing for the marriage? No? But why the difference then, why would it be important to have your family's support/blessing/permission but not his? And I hope you're all as deferential to your ILs in general life experiences, child rearing, budgeting and other such comparatively trivial life decisions as you are in whether or not to get married? 😝

Proposals are a bit weird but a man asking a FIL permission to marry his daughter is revolting. Just because something is a tradition doesn't make it ok.

Women aren't anyone's 'property'

Aw no I think it's lovely and respectful. You are your fathers little girl not his possession. it's just a sign of respect.

My partner took my dad to play golf and asked him if he could marry me, then they went back to my parents home together and told my mum and they had lunch together.

It was one of the first things I asked when he proposed to me if he'd asked my dad 🥲 I think its lovely.

My partner asked my dad. I personally thought it was nice, it meant the world to my dad as he is quite traditional

Unfortunately I think a lot of young women see this as a sweet thing for their DP to do. There seems to be an alarming number of young women who think it's cute to be 'little wifey' and even talk about how to be a 'better GF' than the person he cheated with etc, I'm assuming it's driven by social media but I think we've gone backwards in some respects not forwards.

Of course there’s something wrong with it! Why would you involve your dad in your love life??? If, as I’m assuming, you wouldn’t have taken any notice if need said no, why the charade of being an ickle girl with no agency?

Did you have a similar conversation with your future in-laws?

I don't like this tradition and was shocked when my considerably younger friend said her husband had asked her Dad. She said it was out of respect to her Dad but I was more concerned with respect to her.

Not all "traditions" are good but then I'm always disappointed when women change their names, so maybe I'm an extremist?

I think it's different to being "given away" because women can choose whether or not to include that in their wedding by virtue of the fact they (presumably!) know their wedding is taking place beforehand?! Even the proposal itself, women can say yes or no. But someone thinking that your Dad needs to 'ok' it first is nonsense.

Should husband's be asking a father's permission before they impregnate their wife too?

Well if you don't like it, fair enough! Your DH doesn't need to speak with your dad or whoever first. Fine!

Personally I think it's quite respectful to approach the family with your intentions and seek their views. I don't think anyone 'asks permission' in the old fashioned sense anymore, it's more of a 'this is what I'd like to do, are you happy with that? How do you feel about it?'... A sort of friendly reaching out and showing respect.

My husband phoned my mum (my parents r divorced and dad dead by the time DH proposed) about 5 mins before he proposed to me. I thought that was nice. Mum felt really included and so happy her future son in law had reached out to her. She'd not have expected it, but valued his gesture. I think it was lovely.

Each to their own but I like the tradition!

It was important to me for my fiance to ask my dad. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I saw it more as asking permission for him to join my family.