To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

How would that be funded?

Buy her a present - my daughter’s class did a SS in Year 8 - £5 limit. She spent ages picking bits and pieces and wrapping them for a boy in her class. On the day she was the only one not to receive a gift. She was gutted. It was so so sad. Turns out the girl who got my DD’s name ‘forgot’ to buy anything. If I’d known in advance I’d definitely have bought something and given it to the teacher.

What the mum meant was "I'm not buying a gift but I fully expect my son to receive one" as is so often the way with secret Santa!

Was the DS able to opt-out? We don't know. He's 10. It's being organised by the teacher. Would he feel able to say 'I don't want to participate in this'? Would this be accepted by the teacher without shaming and attempting to get him to 'agree'? Was it even a choice or did the teacher just put all the names in and inform the children of the rules?

Maybe DS would have liked to participate, but his parents aren't willing to, because they don't want to give money for this. Maybe DS never wanted to and couldn't opt out. In the end, it doesn't matter, because either way shows that such events shouldn't be organised on a whole class basis rather than a self-organisation opt-in basis.

Teachers shouldn't be organising these things for children.

Teens and groups who want to do secret santas can organise it themselves, like my DCs and their friends always did.

I think it's crazy the school has arranged this without express agreement from all parents to participate. Even if there's no obvious hardship going on they may be having to watch purse strings very closely over Christmas. It's a wild pressure to be putting on people.

I would accept the ‘boy gift’ to essentially make the point to the other mum - ok she opts out but her son is then left out.

However, I would explain what happened in advance so your daughter isn’t disappointed, and tell her you’ll donate that gift to charity and swap it for something you’ve bought her.

Otherwise, the other mum gets away with this year in, year out and her child benefits but another child loses out.

Secret Santa for school children is always such a bad idea. I had it two times when I was younger and both times the daft teachers made sure to pair boys and girls together (which I don’t even think is the way you’re supposed to do it, but anyway).

The result both times was that all the boys had nice, thoughtful gifts from the girls and all the girls had either nothing or rubbish from the boys (used pencils, a few biscuits from their lunch, etc). Any girls that complained were scolded by the teacher. It still irritates me that they were normalizing the idea that girls should be quiet and put up with shoddy treatment/low effort from boys.

I think your solution is perfect, OP. And maybe having to do this will make the teacher rethink the process for next year.

Your idea is a good one. I'd be annoyed too but more at the teacher from the sounds of it. OP was there no letter home or permission slips or anything? Lots of families don't celebrate Christmas or can't afford an extra gift or just don't want to. How weird to just assume everyone would be involved.

The idea is anyone who wants to opt out doesn't have their name in the hat. Then if numbers are uneven staff/teacher/organiser or whatever buys an extra gift. The other mum shouldn't have tried to pull out mid way through the event.
Either way I'm sure you'll be able to make sure your child does get a gift. I guess at least she give you some warning!

Secret Santa seems like a terrible idea for a teacher to set up in their class tbh.

I think your idea would work well though.

They should get the parents agreeance before drawing the names!

Because his mum probably hadn’t told him he doesn’t believe in it

Its a bummer, OP . We have a SS at work but we put our names on a list and tick the amount we would be happy to spend, this year the consensus is £15 apparently. I don't take part. The teacher should have sent a message to all parents asking for permission for their child to take part.

Yes absolutely buy her a gift.

The alternative is awful.

Well done you for taking others decisions on the chin and finding a suitable solution.

Interesting that the mum who doesn't believe in that sort of thing isn't likely to turn her ds present down and have him go without.

When i worked at TGi Fridays they did a secret Santa and used to do a whole store staff breakfast where the secret Santa pressies were handed out and opened. i bought mine for my person , but come to opening time i was the only person who didnt get one god knows why but it hurt especially knowing the person who should have got mine was sitting in the restaurant never did find out who it was

No not DD either. This should have been an opt in by the school. There may be families where even £4 is too much and it might be more if they have children in different years.

It's rubbish. If I were the teacher I would have forseen this and got a few gifts to compensate for those who haven't brought in a gift.

Definitely unfair that the boy will be getting a gift from someone else but won’t be buying one! If I was the other mum I’d probably return it, the whole idea is that you give to receive

YANBU

And it is super shit of the mum to say her son won't be buying a gift for anyone while not at the same time telling the teacher to remove him from the receiving side of things as well.

Because she hasn't and you can't make her at this point, I think you tell the mum/teacher that yes, you will accept the gift that's already been purchased and it will be donated to an appropriate charity. Send in a little something yourself for her so she gets something on the day.

It’s €5….roughly £4.

These things are rubbish , usually administered by someone fairly inexperienced, who hasn't got the foresight to see how it can easily go wrong. There will always be someone who doesn't participate, either for financial or more selfish reasons, and unless the organiser has spare presents to cover this eventuality, someone will be left without a present.
Speak to the teacher, ask what their plan is, and send DD in with an extra present wrapped, of something she will like, with instructions to open it if she gets left out. If you have the budget, you could even send her in with a few extra pressies, as there'll be more than one person who did't contribute.

I think that’s a perfect solution, but I would like think that the boys present isn’t given to him, as spiteful as that sounds it’s not the child’s fault really.

Secret fucking Santa. It's forced entertainment and the cause of a lot of grief. £10 is a lot of money to some people, especially for some kid or colleague that means basically nothing to you. I just think it's wrong on so many levels, including tat for landfill.

I would buy a gift I know she would love