To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

I'd tell the teacher that she needs to sort the present for the other child and you'll get a gift for your dd.

The teacher should sort something for her. It's not fair or eight to have 1 child left out like that.

School should have put a form up for parents to sign up to first, but I do find it sad that the parent couldn't join in. I note she's accepting a gift for her child.

Definitely buy your daughter something. It would be awful to be left out.

Rude. Your post drips disdain and has not an ounce of empathy with the child or family. The child has no control. Children from poor families suffer in situations like this. You advocate telling other parents to what end? shame the family? You think the message doesn’t get back to the child?

I would forewarn DD, accept the boy's gift, donate/sell it and buy her something else she wants.

I don't think it's fair for anyone to receive but not give.

The mother
I literally mentioned the mother.
DFOD

I think that the teacher should be finding out which kids/parents are up for it before the do the draw. I can envisage all sorts of problems! And not every family can afford an extra present for a child the parents maybe don't know - and perhaps the child doesn't even like!

I think definitely get something and give it to the teacher but make sure it's not wrapped in anything she would recognise etc.

The kids mother not buying a gift but allowing him to accept one is so scummy. This is how you end up with a bunch of entitled pricks who thinks the world revolves around them. Bet he hasn't thought twice how it will effect your DD.

The school needs to have a clear opt in / out policy for this to prevent this one way gifting that favours the grabby!

Wow! So much to unpack. A grinch, a fun sponge, couldn’t be bothered to spend a fiver, tell other parents. Poor child. I can tell you weren’t the kid in the class who learnt to dread events like this. Have you forgotten how much agency a child has? Be thankful that you don’t have to sweat over a fiver. Plenty of other people do. There’s only one source of responsibility for upset here and it’s not the parent or child.

I think it’s fine to buy your DD a gift and give it to the teacher to mix in with all the other presents.

in my sons last year of primary school they were going SS, limit if £3. My son mentioned one of his friends wasn’t doing it - so I messaged his teacher and asked how many children in the class weren’t taking part. She told me 3 of them weren’t, so I said I would get them a little something, probably just a chocolate bar, so they weren’t the only children in class not opening a gift. I think SS for children needs to be something they opt into, but I also think they should agree they won’t do it if everyone can’t - it must be horrible for a child to sit there with nothing (especially as it will presumably be the children who already have the least in life).

Yes, buy something and give it to the teacher to give her.

What a fucking stupid idea though. I hate secret santa at the best of times - had to suffer it in a couple of workplaces. But doing it in a school class is next level stupid. There are going to be people who can't afford to buy something, people who forget, people who don't celebrate Christmas and so on. It's awful for the children who might miss out because the child who drew their name hasn't brought a present for them and most of the rest of the class get something.

I hate anything where people spend other people's money for them by forcing such "jollity" on them. I'm probably miserable as sin but I don't care. We need to be much more aware of how much other people are suffering with CoL and how quickly 5 or 10 quid here or there for nonsense like this adds up into unaffordable sums.

Is this at a private school? I find this really inappropriate for a school to do this. It’s not very inclusive, lots of families really struggle to make ends meet at Christmas. Sorry this doesn’t help you specifically but it seems like a crazy idea to so in the first place.

This happened to me when I was a child, a boy I didn't really like had drawn my name and he decided to just not bother. It was not a money issue as school provided the funds.

My teacher went about it in a really dumb way, he told everyone that there was going to be one person who didn't get anything, but didn't say who until all the presents had been distributed.

In the end the boy's very apologetic mother bought me a Harry Potter sticker set twice the allocated amount, I like to think she got it out of his pocket money.

I would buy something for your DD, OP. Though part of me wishes this boy ends up with nothing.

I'd do the same buy the gift and give to the teacher ..

Yes, give the teacher a present for your daughter

It's a stupid idea from the school to do this without giving an option for the kids (and parents) to opt in or out...

The mum should have made this clear to the teacher before. I would be annoyed too. I think it’s all very unfair but I would buy her the gift so she doesn’t feel left out.

Why didn't the kids mum say something so his name wasn't in the draw? The fact he will now get a gift and accept it is terrible. What a Grinch!
Yes, do get your DD a gift, she will be so left out otherwise and that's not fair. I actually think the teachers attitude to it is poor as well. Surely some sort of message should've been sent out to make sure those who want to be fun sponges and not take part are withdrawn?

Also the family not bothering, they couldn't be bothered to a little fiver gift? Disgraceful and I'd make sure other parents knew.

I was left out of a secret Santa once, I spent ages picking my gift, and everyone else was happy and showing their gifts off. There I was with nothing and my gifter just said they didn't know what to get me! We gave a list of what we liked! And this was adults and it still sucked.

Probably a good idea to buy her a gift - but I would be surprised if the school hadn’t bought a few back up presents. I’m a teacher and we always provide a few spares for situations like this!

I would pass a gift to the teacher , but I would kick up a stink. I hate these things. When did buying gifts become obligatory.

I would ask the teacher, what she is going to do now, when the gifts can’t be swapped. If she says there is nothing she can do, I would say to her that your daughter now also won’t be taking part in the Secret Santa and therefore won’t be buying a gift for the person whose name she got. I know it is unfair on the other child as well and it is a bit tit for tat, but it might make the teacher realise how awful this situation is, when she knows there are going to be at least 2 very disappointed children. If you aren’t comfortable saying that, I would definitely take the gift, that was meant for the other child and either gift it to someone else or give it to a charity.

To be honest, if I were the teacher, I would actually buy a few small gifts to cover for this eventuality and I would not be organising Secret Santa again.

Surely a teacher organising this makes sure there's a present for every child before handing them out?? Pretty shoddy if they don't as it must be very common for someone to not bother or even be off sick. Even as an adult it's upsetting to be left out when everyone is gleefully exclaiming over their gifts, so it will be awful for a ten year old.

unfortunately quite a few times I got nothing. even as an adult, that stings. in all cases, it was because that person wasn't able to make the Christmas do, or manage to drop it off beforehand. but it happened a lot of times over my years at the company, and it is not fun being sat there while everyone else gets presents and you don't. they got to me afterwards, but it still felt very sad.

that said, I have had some amazingly thoughtful Secret Santa pressies. we had a facebook group where we were encouraged to write a bit about the sort of things we like, to give our Secret Santa some ideas. some of the things I got were LOVELY. even when they were a bit late. and it was almost a long running joke, if you've not made up the budget. get her fluffy socks. I bloody LOVE fluffy socks.

one year, I had to drop out due to finances, but my lovely co worker had already bought a load of lovely reduced TK Maxx halloween stuff for me, so people chipped in to take over my assigned person, and I was sat there feeling sad when the pressies were being handed out, and ended up crying because I was so touched they still included me, and what they got me was SO ME.

I wonder if the mum actually cannot afford this, and it's her saving face explanation? Either was I do not agree with schools doing Secret Santa, or 'enforced' present giving like this. I would far rather a school asked for presents to give for charitable reasons to others less well off on a voluntary basis , perhaps a giving tree type thing.

Where I used to work in the late 1970s, we used to all go out for a meal (paid for by ourselves, not the company). We each brought with us one present, suitable for anyone, with a cheap budget the equivalent of Poundland today, and wrapped it. The presents were all put in a sack. We then had a 'secret vote' for Santa, and whoever won the (heavily rigged vote as it was pretty much decided beforehand) had to don a Santa robe and hat for the meal. At the end of the meal, and after much alcohol had been consumed, Santa started gifting the presents. He/She would pull a present from the sack, feel it and guess what it was and then decide who it would be best gifted to and why. So, for example a tin of travel sweets could be described as a tin of car polish and gifted to the person with the dirtiest car. A bar of chocolate could be a hardbacked notebook, and gifted to the person that always raided the stationery cupboard etc
I have never experienced such a hilarious SS since leaving that company. Highly recommended.

Definitely buy her something from secret santa.

Your school are NUTS to be entertaining this during school time.