To be annoyed about DD Secret Santa?

Wow, that mum is awful. If she doesn’t want to take part, she needs to tell the teacher in advance and then her kid doesn’t give or get a present. You can’t just decide not to give to another child, who is participating fully.

And this is why, despite the majority of the students begging for it, secret Santa is not allowed at my school.

it only takes ones or two student who either forget the gift on the day or give an inappropriate or offensive gift and it ruins it for everyone.

You should message receiving Mum & say that you have mentioned to teacher that he does not receive a gift, as he is not participating.

Tell the teacher, or whoever initiated this good intentions but stupid idea, they need to sort it out so no child is left disappointed. It is a ridiculous idea for a classroom environment and the teacher should knock it on the head for next year.

You are fortunate the mum contacted you to let you know so you could intervene.

If the teacher, or whoever initiated it, won't take responsibility to sort out the problem that is of their making, then tell them you will put a gift in for your dd to resolve the immediate issue but you will also be putting a complaint into the head to stop this in future years.

Absolutely buy a gift.

Then I would suggest they make adjustments for next year. I'm not sure an opt in will work. Just because some people will opt in and still not buy.

Personally if I were a teacher, I'd have a back up of gifts for times like this.

This could have been avoided by the teacher asking the parents whose children were opting in and who were not taking part, then put the names into the hat accordingly. I think the blame lies with the school and not the other parent.

The son should not be included in the game.

I remember when my daughter was in the secondary school and the girl who had it couldn’t bother to buy even sweets. Just picked some old slime. DD was really disdainful as she put a lot of effort

I would totally buy a gift for dd, stealthily wrapping it in different paper to what you have in, or asking her teacher if they can wrap it.

The boys mum, I’d be wondering if she just wasn’t happy buying a gift for a girl maybe? Especially as SS isn’t a new thing at the school and she had plenty of time to opt out!

Because he's a kid and probably was excited about getting a present when he normally gets nothing.

My mum didn't celebrate Christmas, so we were always "opted out" of any related activities at school. It was shit.

The first thing I would have done is just buy the gift and give it the teacher.

The other mom just might be really struggling right now. We don’t know her situation. We can make it worse by judging her and bullying her child by excluding them in a gift exchange they wanted to participate in. Or we can just buy a couple extra little things and give it to the teacher to wrap up and hand out - and not have children burdened with adult problems.

Some of the comments in this thread are horrid.

It's a very strange thing to do. You would think she'd just play along with it. I think the school should stop doing secret santa anyway because it puts extra pressure on, at an already over stretched time. If it was me I would buy the present and make sure you tell the teacher not to include that child next year.

This Is the teacher’s problem to sort out- if you organise a whole class secret Santa you need to be chasing them
up to make sure they’ve bought their gift, and I would have a couple of standby presents in case any of the kids forgot or were off sick the day the gifts were handed out.

OP I would explain the situation to the teacher and ask what she’s going to do about it!

That's a good idea. Your child should not be singled out by not receiving a gift. That mum is ridiculous. Badly handled by the school too.

Yes do that, it’s a lovely idea! And really shitty of that mum

We always did secret santa at work and 2 Xmas on the trot the person who got me either was off sick or forgot the gift. Cant imagine a child not being upset by that so yes buy something for her

Oh wow! So now the Mum who we know has TOLD the OP what she will do and MAY have told the school and MAY STILL tell her son not to accept a gift is a ‘pitiful excuse for a human’?! Completely over the top.

She is setting out to deceive. She's taking and not giving in a game that only works if everybody gives. She is the epitome of somebody who ruins it for everybody esle. You're very passionate about this. I would assume based on your inability to see the issue, or willingness to acknowledge the moral fialings of this pitifull excuse for a human, you are also the type of person who takes things and feels entitled to ruin nice things for others. Others who is playing by the rules and and understand fairness and common decency.

YANBU

Other mom is a Grinch

the boy’s mother may well HAVE told the school as well? Who knows? After all the OP simply says the teacher told her it was too late to make changes so the teacher may have said the same to the boy’s mother. And so what if it’s money or religious choice or not believing in giving/receiving even more tat, or simply not wanting to be dictated to by others, that is guiding the boys mother? It’s not the boy’s fault; the mother may have legitimate reasons and there is no justification for the vicious language used by you and a number of posters here. Scummy? Come off it. Reserve that anger for the cheats and thieves who set out to deceive and deserve it:

If her kid gets a gift it is unsolicited by her and the child. She may well have told him to give it back when that happens. Point is a child is being put in a difficult position and they should not be. The mother hasn’t opted in to this. You may be too young to remember the days of charities sending unsolicited gifts to your home in the hope of charitable donations in return. It used to happen a lot. Would you apply the same vitriol to the receiver in these circumstances? The common point is that the item is unsolicited and no one opted in to take part.

Of course it's scummy! I grew up on a council estate and we were so poor we occasionally had packet pancakes for dinner, cooked on the old estate gas fire because we didn't have enough money to have the cooker on as well, so you're preaching to the choir.

If she 'doesnt believe in it' or can't afford it, the reason doesn't narter that they won't be involved, she should have told not just the person her son is meant to buy, for but also the school, so they could remove his name from the pool before somebody got him a present. It's basically akin to stealing otherwise, you go into agreeing to pay it forward with no intention of paying it forward. It ruins the experience for everybody. We don't even know if finances are the reason they don't want to be involved, it could be the mother isn't arsed, it could be they don't celebrate certain religious holidays, the reason doesn't matter.

There are givers and takers in the world and setting somebody up to think it's fine to be a chronic taker is batshittery.

Did you miss where I also blamed the teacher and their lax response too?

And who says they're poor? They could just be anti secret Santa, it could be religious reasons, why jump to poverty? You are worse because you assume someone's income. Typical MN. Anyone not joining in isn't out of order just poor.

What strikes me about this is that the other mum didn't forewarn the teacher that she would not take part so that her kid would be removed from the draw. Her kid misses out, that's on her. No, instead she does it so her kid still gets a gift but someone else's loses out. Double CF.

I don't think it's fair that the boy gets a SS gift when he's not participating. Unless his Mother thinks it's acceptable to take but not give?! I do think you providing a gift for your child is a great idea as long as the other child doesn't take the credit! I think you need to have a word with the teacher about this.

We once did a non specific secret santa in one job. Everyone put their wrapped gift on the table and picked up a different one, no labels, choose the one you liked the look of. It meant you had to be quite generic. Poor male PE teacher got a pamper kit with bubble baths balls, mug, hot chocolate and marshmallows etc. At least it wasn't earrings though.

This thread is crazy. The OP says the Mum of the boy won’t be buying a gift as they ‘don’t believe in it’. I read that as they don’t want the whole Secret Santa to take place AT ALL.

Some of the vicious language on here and lack of any insight into being in poverty or needing every penny just not to go under, is depressing.Now the mother is ‘scummy’ and (the child?) will ‘end up an entitled prick’, ‘hasn’t thought twice about how this will effect your DD’ and ‘grabby’. Really?!

So much care for the little girl who will be left out (yes that is bad and wrong too) but no care for the boy who would be left out if his Mum had been given an opportunity to opt out. The only way the Mum of the boy is bad in this is if she suggested this activity then didn’t buy a gift.

School should be an inclusive safe place for every child. I could afford a gift for every child in my kids class. I’d still be having a word with the school as the memory of being shamed, marginalised and left out due to my parent’s financial situation is still very real to me. This activity has no place in school.