AIBU that husband is going out too much?

It's not too much at all no. It's a bit sad that all of your friends refuse to leave their children for a few hours for an evening. I and all my friends have small children, we still socialise without them at least once a month or so. Dads can do bedtime (assuming they aren't all single parents)?

I have two kids, 5 and 2, and I am out two evenings a week doing voluntary work and probably once a month or so with friends for dinner or something else, quite often a few hours at the weekend related to voluntary stuff, plus the usual stuff like work Christmas parties etc.

I think you've probably realised that this is more about you feeling you don't have a social circle in the same way. All my friends have young kids but we still manage to get out and do things for ourselves, have meals out, etc. and much more than twice a year.

You don't even need to go out with friends or other people at all. Sometimes it's time alone I need. Gym, mooch around the shops, cinema - doesn't even matter what you do, it's just carving out time for yourself that's important.
And if you've all got little kids, why don't you start a babysitting circle?

It's a shame all your friends with kids don't go out, why can't they leave their kids with their partners for a couple of hours in the evening? Having kids doesn't mean no social life.

Everyone’s evening are spent feeding and doing bed routine with the little ones (most are terrible sleepers) . I’ve asked a few and they’ve said they would love to go out but practically can’t and are looking forward to a time when they can when the children are a little older

Start a babysitting club…

Gently, OP, he doesn’t need to go out less, you need to go out more.

I think YANBU to be worried that he keeps adding extra evenings/weekend days for himself.

I do think you should carve out time for yourself in evenings/weekends and try not to worry about costs (presumably his hobbies cost money too)

It would be really easy for it to slip into him enjoying all the premium free time because you haven't carved any out for yourself. It would be much harder to get him to give up time, than for you to take some for yourself now.

Plus plumbing in family time as well as you don't want to end up ships in the night.

Can you have a convo with him to work out what you both would like in terms or splitting time?

You don't need to go out with friends, nothing is better than a cinema trip to yourself or a nice meal on your own.

Having young kids, and your friends in the same boat, finding time to go out can be a pain in the arse, but it can be done, set a date, stick to it, and go out. Like you say, you don't need to go out and get totalled.

Sometimes, I just go to a random pub for a quiet pint and a packet of crisps, spend half an hour scrolling rubbish on my phone, and then get back at it.

Exactly, just because you don’t want to, doesn’t mean he can’t or doesn’t want to. It doesn’t sound like he finds it excessive and l agree. You need to find some new friends with children who do go out in the evening as these people do exist (l do and l have 2 under 2) and / or friends who don’t have children. I say that as someone who had 3 rounds of IVF so l know it’s not easy but it’s important to still have your own life after children and whilst trying to conceive them

You sound like you need to make new friends. Hes not being unreasonable at all.

I am just at home alone
you're even moaning that he takes your DS out with him!!
Most of us would be delighted, you need to find a hobby or interest, your whole life doenst need to be joined together.

It sounds perfectly acceptable and normal to me.

I think the issue is more that you have nobody to go out with and you sound a bit resentful?

I have two nights out per week, my husband has two. We have three kids.

@sushiandarollie

I agree, he's not going out too much.

But you seem to have gotten yourself into a rut of 'always' having your DC. Why can't your DH be 'primary parent' so you're able to go out? Why can't your mum friends' DHs watch their children? Is everyone's DH incapable or unwilling? If so, or if you're unwilling for him to be 'primary' that's a whole other issue. He shouldn't give up his outside life because you're unwilling to leave your (mutual) child with him, if that's the case. But he should be pulling his weight, time wise, if he's not. And that includes ferrying to and from activities and clubs.

I also was in a group where we were 'all mums together', yet we found time to do things without our DC because their fathers (either DHs or exHs) pulled their weight. We left them with their dads without a care. We went out for meals, films, shopping, even just 'hanging out' a few times a month. And if no one was available, I went on my own. Solo movies and solo 'browsing the shops' can be great!

Loosen up a bit, find your independent spirit. Have DH watch/ferry DC and either organize something simple with friends like a walk or a coffee, or go for a walk or to a film on your own.

It's fine that he has interests and friends outside the four walls. Men's mental health matters too, and having friends is crucial.

The problem is the imbalance.

He's in this habit now, and is pushing for more - imagine what it will be like if you do have another child?

Get yourself a hobby. Join a choir, amateur dramatics club, an evening dance/exercise class, learn a language, painting ... Something for YOU. Where you'll make friends who aren't all about babies. Maybe even something he can join you in enjoying.

Nothing at all. I didn’t say or imply there was.

So find some childless friends, OP. Many suggested hobby groups which you are ignoring and keep coming back to your friends with small children. If you want social time and have a supportive partner to do the parenting on a couple of nights a week, there are many childless people around in evening classes.

That's definitely not too much. I think you need to work on setting some more time aside for yourself and together, how often do you have a babysitter? You don't need your existing friends to be free to leave the house, find a class or group to attend. You'll both be miserable if you insist he shrinks his world to match yours.

What’s wrong with her wanting some time away from her child anyway?

I’m going to say two things that sound quite blunt:

• your lack of going out isn’t DH’s fault. You need to sort that. Rather than trying to make your DH change his friends so he can be as fed up as you.

• re meeting up with your good friends, it really won’t matter if the kids have a weekend off football, swimming etc. go and see Them.

I don’t think it’s too much at all, honestly I think alone time/time with friends is so important. It’s important to balance being a parent and a partner with being yourself and doing things that make YOU happy, it makes you a better parent and partner if you also get the chance to “fill your own cup”.

Welcome to parenthood and having your social circles go through it at the same time. Geez let the guy go out. Do you want him in the house 24/7 if he isn’t at work?

You have a young child and that is just how it goes. You are trying for another so maybe think about your feelings now and that having another it will get far “worse”. When kids get older it settles back down so that you have a bit more freedom.

You talk about how you used to go out loads etc. Yeah we mourned our old life too but love our kids. It was a serious adjustment. You can’t have both at the beginning. I don’t understand the resentment. You should be happy for your husband having so,E time to himself if that makes him happy but finding your own time shoukdnt be dependant on him being antisocial.

IVF is tough and demanding - decide what you want. You were defensive about your journey (yeah we have all been there…..) and mad at your husband for going out occasionally. It’s the stage of life you are in, I suggest you accept it or stop trying.

So? Why does that mean he shouldn’t be meeting up with friends who are free? You sound jealous and like you’re trying to punish him.