AIBU that husband is going out too much?

@ChristmasGrinch24 Thats a bit harsh, she doesn’t sound controlling she sounds lonely.

This

This seems to be a reaccuring theme people get together have children and that's it they are not allowed to do anything else

In a grown up mature relationship with people who have some level of intelligence work it out so both people can go out and if person choose not too that should not stop the other

What about going out for lunch or for a few afternoon drinks or a coffee?

No, it’s not too much. Your life doesn’t have to stop when you become a parent. It’s good to have outside interests.

Saying you don’t have anyone to go out with is a separate issue to him going out.

I don't really understand why you are "desperate" for another child, OP, when you seem to be so unhappy with your life as a mother. Your husband is doing nothing wrong. Maybe your time would be better spent putting the IVF on hold, going back to work, finding some new friends/hobbies. In other words, getting your life back. You are more than just a mother.... you're a person who deserves a full life.

So offer to babysit so she can go out with her husband one time and then go out with her on a different evening.

Go round to her house with a bottle of wine or a takeaway and have a nice chat?

This is sounding like "Mother's Martyr "
Just make arrangements and go out!
Ask people out!
Start a babysitting group amongst friends.

We have two nights out each a week which for me is hobby based and for him sometimes a hobby and other times friends. I rarely go out on a weekend but he probably does once or twice a month. Only bit that annoys me is that he rarely organises a night out for the two of us. So I don't think it is too much

OK I think this is probably a bit of trying to find your way after having children.

Your husbands life hasn't changed much but yours has.

You therefore need to start working out how to do things that make you happy.

Make concrete suggestions to friends to go out. Its far, far, easier to go out and leave children with their dad than it is to get a babysitter.

So once a month try and go out with friends. Start small, a couple of hours in a pub late after bedtime.

And try and find yourself something you like for a regular evening or weekend slot. Yoga? Learn a foreign language? Art class?

So didn't have any hobbies or things you did without your husband before children?

Not just seeing friends but actually doing something you enjoy- sports, music, arts etc?

You need to find something that you want to do and makes you happy away from your children and husband

Having children doesn’t just automatically mean you stop going out?! We have a group of friends who we often socialise with and have both pre and post children. We all have kids. We all find time to socialise.

No I don't. I think one weeknight and a monthly social is very moderate and a healthy addition to a life. Your perception is coloured by the fact you don't do things outside the family. If it were me I'd be trying to increase my own activities rather than get him to reduce his, as I think his is the more balanced life.

Well, see it as a wake-up call. Don’t retreat inside your family. Work on making new friends, and the chances are very high some will be childfree or have older or adult children, or women like you who have young children but still go out, or indeed men in any of these categories.

I agree it doesn't sound too much at all and agree with others who say that you are the one that would benefit from reframing your thinking ie (enjoying the alone time and seeing it as an opportunity to rest/ catch up with yourself/ watch TV / whatever.

I don't want to sound like one of the 'join a choir brigade' but when my husband walked out on my 2 year old and me 15 years ago I joined a choir (a friend babysat for me) and I met a lovely person there who is childless and still one of my best friends now. We have done loads of brilliant things together over the years and she was / is always up for doing stuff.

It sounds like you have a bit of a limiting belief about what's possible.

I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much.

Wow.

To be fair there is a certain type of mum who doesn't go for this as an option. But then I think you need to focus on finding a broader group of friends!

This is a phase. And if you're considering more ivf then it one you're likely to be stuck in for a while. Can you take a bottle of wine round to theirs? Meet up on a weekend for a lunch & afternoon social time then home for 8pm ish? Maybe just think out of the box for a while.

Oo OP I can empathise with how you’re feeling. It sounds like from reading your updates most of your social time was taken up by your DH or a friendship group who now seem mostly unavailable. It is a bit of a shock to the system the reality of having a young child and that one of you is always left with the baby (even though you think you are prepared for it the reality can be difficult.) It sounds to me like you are socially isolated, that’s not to mention the difficult journey you’ve been on trying to conceive baby number two which sounds very challenging and I’m sorry for your losses.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel that your partners outings are too much. Is it because you miss spending time with him or because you resent not being able to do anything like you used to whilst he’s out having fun.

If it’s the former - do either of you have family that could have DS or a babysitter for one night ? And do an evening or a day together like life pre-baby. Trying to get regular date days/nights in makes you see each other as more than just caregivers and can make you both feel happier!

If it’s the latter, like others have suggested it would be wise to take the initiative to do stuff whilst your husband is away with your DS that’s fun for you (cinema/ coffee shop/ nice podcast / gym/ lunch or brunch) or do things with your friends when your partner is out - you could invite your friends with kids to yours for the evening or even go to theirs - surely if they’re good friends they would be happy to have a nice evening with you once the babies have been bathed and put to bed. BF shouldn’t preclude time with friends either - if anything I’ve found it easier as you just pop your boob out and it’s done. If your friends are still not up for this then might be time to make some friends who are more flexible or start a hobby. There are loads of apps for making friends locally.

As you’ve asked for our opinion I’m afraid I don’t think your husband is unreasonable at all and I’m worried that you see it as “craving” time away - that’s certainly not how I see enjoying time with my friends and doing my hobby. I do think it’s a good thing to try and address this before you have your second child as the feeling of isolation may increase once you have double the responsibility.
Good luck

I don’t understand why your friends think that Mums with babies/toddlers can never go out 🤷🏼‍♀️ No need to martyr yourselves.

I had a baby, a 1 year old and a 3 year old and I would still go out with my friends at least once a month. I would breastfeed at 6.30/7pm and then leave my husband to do bedtime routine. Left a bottle of expressed milk just in case. Met my friends at a local pub or restaurant…… still home in time for 10/11pm and plenty of time for a good night sleep.

I’m assuming your friends have partners, so why can’t your partner and their partner stay in one evening while you and your friend go to the pub? Or leave your kids with partners on a Saturday morning for a coffee? Or meet up during the day at the weekend with your kids?

You need to get a life tbh your friends won’t be breastfeeding forever and you can eventually surely leave babies behind with dads for the evening !! Or get new friends or your own hobby

you can’t go out together all the time anymore so have to do things separately for a while until you can start getting babysitters

You shouldn’t begrudge your husband a social life because you don’t have one.

why don’t you join a gym or a Pilates class that you can attend once a week? Or even go and treat yourself to dinner and cinema alone.

Your husband can stay at home on that evening and do bath and bed time.