AIBU that husband is going out too much?

Seen your update. After the children are in bed, if your DHs are home, you and a friend or two can go to the pub for an hour or two. Or do something else like dinner or cinema or whatever your shared interest is. Even an evening exercise class!
Once you start doing it once a month or so you'll realise how essential it is to your own mental health.

It's not too much.

The problem really is that you need more time to yourself, however you want to spend it.

Make that time; you'll burn out otherwise. Parenting is a marathon.

Yes, you're right, OP does need to be more proactive

I did read the OP. I think we have very different ideas of what a healthy relationship is, if you think he's "ramping" up his social life. The OP needs to be a bit more pro active and do something for herself.

He isn't ramping up his own social life and leaving her to it He goes out one evening a week. He occasionally goes out of a weekend and sometimes takes the DC with him. When he takes the DC with him OP sits at home on her own, that's her choice she could quite easily go out then.

Well read what she said in her posts.

He's going out with his mates and she's home alone with the child.

I have no idea. You need to ask the OP.

What are they doing as a couple or family?

He's hardly "ramping" up his social life. It's healthy to have interests and friends outside a relationship. The OP needs to find something for herself.

Save your IVF money and don't have another child. You're going to be even more isolated with 2 kids to take care of than you are with one, especially if he's ramping up his own social life and leaving you to it.

@sushiandarollie I think you are getting some really harsh replies here.

I agree with others that on paper the regularly of DH’s socialising is fine, but I’m wondering is he making the same effort with quality family time and couple time with you?

Is similar time and effort going into planning days out with your LO, or dates (even at home) with you as there is for nights out with his friends?

I have a feeling you wouldn’t feel as uneven if so.

Also it’s really hard to make friends as an adult. Is there anyone from work you could go for a drink with? Or a book club or running club on Meetup?

Dh does shift work but has hobbies that would be on a Tuesday and Thursday as well as occasional Sundays so it's a given he'll be out on those days if he's not at work, I just make sure I schedule in my plans with enough notice and avoid his hobby days

I've still been out 4 times in November and have twice booked for December, might just take some planning!

The issue here is that you need some friends that are interested in doing something other than sitting at home breastfeeding their 3 year old.

Your life sounds very small, OP. I imagine that’s the source of your resentment.

You need to make an effort to probably find a couple of child free friends or suggest your friends leave the H to deal with children once a fortnight

Yes, I do understand. Your response was much more sensitive than mine. One of my children is a very anxious child and even now at 11 years old, hates it when I'm not there! I suppose I always felt like I needed a break and to see friends for my own mental health/sanity. I'm not much use looking after everyone (as I do) if I'm completely burnt out. So I would still go out occasionally and let my husband deal with the fall out.
I suppose I also thought it was unlikely that all OP's friends faced these type of issues, but maybe they do, or maybe, like you say, they're just exhausted. I understand that feeling. I often can't be bothered to go out these days but I make an effort and try and do things earlier in the day, when I'm less tired. It would be nice if OP and her friends could find some way to hang out, even if it's just doing daytime activities with the kids. I think perhaps they are doing this already. Having friends without young children is also handy, I've found.

I suspect a lot of people use their kids as an excuse when the reality is they're just not interested.

OK if your friends have toddlers aren't don't want an evening out, then clearly you can't rely on them.

You need to find a regular routine slot where you go out

I think you're failing to appreciate the full range of parenting approaches, and different children personalities in this.

For the most part, I think you're right. The vast majority of three year olds can cope with their mother going out to the evening.

I have two children with separation issues. The youngest was a bottle refuser with weight gain difficulties. Covid, when she reached about a year, so I might otherwise have tried going out in the evening, pushed that back to nearly two. Despite a very involved and loving father, frequently trying, she'd freak out if I wasn't there. Then she got ill and nearly died, I was always by her side. She's okay with me going out now, she's five, but she still finds it hard.

Her older sibling has had separations issues from birth. At a year old, If doing a protracted bedtime I'd pop to the loo, she'd panic to the extent of retching or vomiting. She got better but the impact of a poorly sibling set her back. She's fine with me going out, but if daddy does, I have to restrain her. About a year ago he stayed at a friend's house. My daughter literally sobbed all night. I got 20 minutes sleep. She was six at the time. Yes, we've been getting professional help, yes, we tried building it up slowly, It's better than it was, But it's still hard.

Our situation isn't typical. But I'm not sure any situation is. Everyone has their secret battles, and whilst many 3-year-olds go to bed independently and sleep all the way through, many don't. We don't know the reasons why these mums won't or can't go out at night. Most people don't know about our sleep/ separation battles, and I don't know about other people's challenges. Some women are just too tired, too much juggling of kids and work while still getting broken sleep. Will have lost confidence going out in the evening because kids and covid meant they didn't do it for years.

Practically speaking, suggest going around with a takeaway. I'd have loved that. Or going round during the day instead.

Another vote here that the dh is being very reasonable. I'm trying to imagine what I'd say if my husband didn't want me to organise a christmas meet up (by definition once a year) with friends, to make it "fair" for him because he didn't have an event to go to. Probably the confused face emoji would sum it up best.

It doesn't sound like he is going out a lot. 1 weekend day a month is really minimal he doesn't have to give up his life because you have kids. Just like you should be entitled to go out with friends etc. Unless there's a back story that you're not allowed out.

The issue here is your lack of social circle now his very normal one.
You need to focus on growing your own network not resenting his.

She can't leave a 2 yr old who is dependent on BF? that's. her problem not the child.
How ridiculous.

My goodness. I'm shocked that your friends can't socialise once their children are toddlers! They're letting motherhood completely consume them. Sorry, I don't mean to criticise them. It's entirely up to them, of course - but there's absolutely no reason not to go out when you have a 3 year old!

This just happens in life where a person makes friends with people in different situations. I don't think your husband is doing anything wrong at all, but I think you feel anxious. Simply put I think that you need to invest in yourself a little, take up a hobby and meet people of different ages.