To want to see my parents without DB there...

It’s a really tough one because I don’t know what the solution is and I don’t necessarily think either you or DM are being massively unreasonable, I can understand both POV. I totally understand why you feel the way you do, I’d probably feel the same, but I can also understand why your mum is hesitant to rock the boat with DB given the issues you describe, and I also think as a parent especially when you have a child with additional needs, no matter their age, you feel very protective of them and she probably see’s it as unfair that while you would all be together he would be on his own if he has nobody else.

You are well within your rights to set your boundaries and stick to them, but be prepared to accept that may mean weekend visits aren’t on the cards.

Why are so many people on here assuming this man is some kind of sex pest? My grandchildren absolutely love a bit of rough and tumble with anyone who’ll join in - tickling is their favourite!!!
The DB is disabled, has significant mental illness and yet when his DM wants to support him his sibling acts like a jealous kid!

i also feel people are fixated on the tickling thing which seems to have been solved?

How old are the DC, OP?

Can't they come round after school and stay for dinner? Or you go to them after school?

Could they do school pickup once in a while?

it sounds hard, OP but imagine you are the mother in this scenario. You have one child who is happily partnered up with own children, a job and so on.

And you have another who seems to need you an awful lot more.

Your mum has got into a routine, can you try to nudge her into a different routine, so that she comes to you once a month for one of the weekend days for a few hours? Can you go over there for a few hours with just one of your DCs at a time (not ideal but better than nothing).

She must be exhausted looking after your brother all the time. Have you talked to her about it? about what will happen when she is no longer there? You all need to start planning for eventualities.

It sounds shit for you though, i have to say.

Absolutely no child should be forced to hug or kiss an adult they don’t want to, it was always something I was strict on with our children as I hated having to hug and kiss adults as a child. You need to have a conversation with your mum and put firmer boundaries in place.

I agree with this and I’d go a step further to say he’s not allowed near my children. If your parents are not willing to visit without him then I’m afraid that’s their choice and there’s not much you can do about it but my children’s safety would come first. Innocent or not I wouldn’t be allowing another adult to act this way with my children. I’d be having a frank conversation with your parents and if they’re not willing to visit you or allow you to visit them without your brother present then that says it all really. The situation is really unfair on you and your family OP, surely there’s one time in the week your parents can spare an hour or two to spend with your family.

Can you not ask your parents to come round on a weekend morning before she has to go back to make DB food? Or can you invite them round one evening in the week or you go to theirs in the week?

It sounds hard for DM to change DB's routine, and she must be very concerned about him. So visiting at weekends probably means seeing DB at the moment.
However you certainly don't need to visit when DB is present, or to host DB at your home if he's making DC and you feel uncomfortable. You could invite your parents on weekday evenings and spend time with them in your home, without him.
You could also discuss with DM how to arrange things so that DB sees DC without touching them, but that might be harder.

Oh, I feel for you - in the first instance I was thinking you were being a bit harsh, because I have a little dd with ASD, who realistically might never work and I thought you were sounding a bit judgmental and then I read about the stroking and tickling. It doesn't matter if its sensory seeking, it really doesn't. It's not okay for grown men to stroke little girls. He most probably doesn't have good understanding of this, so I'm going to say the problem is your mother - if she won't explain the boundaries and just lets it happen she is not helping him at all. You're not unreasonable, but dm is the problem and if she won't meet you half way I'm not sure what you can do.

ASD goes hand in hand with needing structure.

Is it possible the stroking is sensory seeking? Just wondering as I have an autistic nephew (age 12) and he will sit and stroke my face/leg. He's done it since he was little.

Regardless, if it makes you and the girls uncomfortable, that's fine. Have you asked him to stop and explained boundaries? He may have poor understanding due to his autism.

He clearly has significant mental health needs and relies on your parents. We would all do extra for our child in this scenario. But you're also perfectly entitled to want to see your parents alone.

Will they meet you out the house to do an activity or etc?

I can see why DH doesn't want to say anything as it is your parents not his so doesn't want to upset the cart. Are you approaching it from we want you to ourselves without DB as he is always there or from the DB has odd behaviours which we do not feel are appropriate and our concerns are not being listened to?
However I think DH does have a right to hold your brother to account if he is doing something deemed as inappropriate. At the end of the day DH is a role model for your girls. If they are to see a strong male role model in their lives stand up for them in that way no doubt it'll help them as women to what is deemed as acceptable in their own relationships. Sorry that sounds really harsh and absolutely not my intention honest. I think of what is the worst that can happen? Your parents don't see their grandkids possibly but then they aren't exposed to a creepy uncle that is never held to account. Yes he may be autistic and have MH issues but he wouldn't be able to do those kind of behaviours in public without repercussions so being family is no excuse. I think your DM is blurring the boundaries to what is acceptable behaviour whether that's generational or because it's her child I don't know. I'm sure your DB has no sinister motives and just hasn't been taught well enough about body autonomy but as you say it can't continue.

don't take your kids? vist them on weekdays during the holidays?

invite them over to yours.

from your description it seems unlikely our parents will stop him coming.

So it's up to you to adjust how/when you see them that makes you and your kids comfortable. or don't see them.

His behaviour is not okay, and your parents are minimising it. He might be autistic with MH issues, but he’s a grown man with the same physiology as any other grown man. It’s massively inappropriate.

I would tell your parents they are welcome to come around, but DB isn’t.

To be honest your parents are enabling him and don't want to do anything that rocks the boat. A simple "I'm afraid we can't visit whilst DB is at yours as his behaviour towards our girls is unacceptable. We teach our children body autonomy and touching them in the way he does would not be tolerated by outsiders so it's not acceptable for him to do it either. We have a responsibility to keep our children safe."

Do you or DH actually say anything when your DB does this behaviour or just call the children away? In our household we are very clear, I've actually had to pull my dad up on stuff before. How do your children also react? Again in our household we practice "Stop, my body" with all of us. We all have a right to say it and the other person has to take their hands off when it's said.

I would be very clear to your parents that this tickling and stroking behaviour can’t happen these days and they must understand that, innocent or not it’s the sort of thing that could get your autistic brother in massive trouble and makes people incredibly uncomfortable. That’s a hill I’d die on.

How old are the children? not that this matters in regards to you being uncomfortable but I wonder if the kids themselves are uncomfortable with it too? You're not unreasonable btw