Is this Coercion? Going to the police to report? Please give me you opinions / help?

He is sexually assaulting you. Put a lock on the door and if he bangs on it and tries to get in, tell him you're calling the police. And do it. I would suggest calling Women's Aid for advice too, they can support you to take action. Please don't put up with this one more day OP 💐

Phone the police now. Don't wait. Don't let him force you out of your home. Also speak to women's aid because I'd bet my house he's been abusing you in other ways for years and he's ramping up because your leaving. You need this all on record because he will only get more dangerous.

It's coercive and abusive. Apart from the unwanted sexual contact, he's depriving you of sleep and privacy. He's doing it to prove he can control you and deny you agency. And he's also in denial about the fact that you're leaving him. He can't bear the fact that you've got autonomy.

It's quite a common thing for abusive partners to do during a separation. My friend's ex-husband did exactly the same thing during the time they were separated but living in the same house.

I'm really, really sorry that you're having to go through this.

I have always promised that I wouldn't go to the police - I don't want my kids to hear that their mum reported their dad to the police

No, OP. He is sexually assaulting you. And you are setting a very poor example for your children

You are I. A very dangerous situation, he has shown you that he does not care anymore your boundaries or your wants.

so far he is “only” assaulting you and verbally trying to erode your resolve so you relent and he can get his way
but
this could so very easily go into full rape, what are you going to do if he suddenly one night just flips you over and gets on top of you. The truth is nothing because you won’t be able to.

i am not trying to scare you @ThatFairDeer i am trying to show you the real reality you are in. ONLY YOU can make yourself safe and to do that you have to not be in an environment where he has access to you, he will not stop because he has shown that nothing you say makes a difference to his thinking.

i don’t want to hijack your thread but maybe my experience might help you feel less alone.
but suffice to say iv been in very similar circumstances to you many years ago when I was a young woman, an already bad/abusive relationship that was coming to and end but contact wasn’t stopped and him regularly in the home at night. finding him in the bed when he had been on the couch when we went to sleep, trying it on etc which eventually led to me waking with him on top of me during the act on more than one occasion. To this day I assume from his reaction at the time he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
it only stopped because I told a professional who was horrified (I was more confused about how to get him to stop coming round) and insisted I reported to the police. And literally got me to pack the last of his things and change the locks. I felt she was blowing thing out of proportion but did as she told me

in the end I didn’t pursue a case but it was enough to finally break things and get the locks changedetc.

its only years on that I understand how bad this was, i minimised it to cope while in it.

you deserve better than this. Your children deserve better than this.
please get back in touch with women’s aid and be truly honest with them about what is going on using the facts rather than your interpretation of it as that will for you to cope be minimised.
as for protecting the children from seeing their father arrested, think more of it as you are showing your children that they deserve a minimum treatment in a relationship one day when they grow up and if that doesn’t happen they are entitled to seek help and not stay in that.

I think your best option here - as you are divorcing anyway is to move out to the rental place asap. Take yourself and the kids away from this situation - permanently.
Yes it's worth reporting to the police. Unfortunately abuse like this gets worse at the point of separation/divorce and the fat he's already ignoring your "No's" indicates his behaviour is escalating so there is potential he may become violent.

Don't feel bad upsetting the kids by moving. You are protecting them by getting out.

How old are your kids OP?

Do you have a DD op? Wouldn't you advise her to go to the police? If you have a ds how would you feel if he was behaving like your soon to be xdh? If you would be horrified (and you should be!) can you see how you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Do you have a friend or any family that you could stay with until you find somewhere else to live, or a women's aid shelter?

Yes, I can totally understand your reluctance to go to the police.

I'm not telling you to do that, but understand why WA encouraged it.

He is committing an offence, and you want to protect the kids from that. But these are his actions, not yours.

Reading your posts I'm concerned for your safety. Is there a room you can lock? Keep your phone on you, and fully charged.

Cross posted with your update Op. He's using the DC as a shield, he knows you don't want to upset them so he feels he can get away with all this. If you won't go to the police then move out but he won't change Op, he'll still tell your DC it's all your fault

Please move out as soon as possible. I understand not wanting to upset the kids but this is absolutely awful, this man is abusive and disgusting. If you can’t even put a locked door between you then you absolutely have to leave. It sounds like you are all walking on eggshells so it will be better for the kids to not be in a stressful environment. Report him for sexual assault.

If there is somewhere else he can sleep then get yourself a small rubber door wedge and keep it about your person when not in use. Lots of women have one for travelling, hotel rooms etc for security.

And yes, report him.

Who did you promise?
Any fallout from this will NOT be your fault, any upset for your DC will be caused by his actions not yours.
I know its very easy for me to say as I am not the one living it but please report it. It might make him stop and it also may help your divorce (horrible to say but true)

No consent = sexual assault, if he touches you when you're asleep there's no consent. Go to the police Op, tell them everything. Your Ex sounds a slimebag, don't feel you have to keep him happy for the sake of your DC, you and the DC would be much happier without him

Why doesn't he stop Sexually assaulting her?

OP DOES sleep in another room I believe but he comes in - Maybe you also blame her for not locking herself in?
FFS

Why don't you sleep in another room, or on the sofa?

Get a single mattress and put it in one of the kids rooms, tell them he's started snorting so you need to sleep somewhere else. Kept me safe from my XH pushing for sex after he told me he didn't love me anymore and when he knew I didn't want it. You deserve to sleep safely in your own home. .

This is sexual assault.

Can you leave sooner rather than later, temporarily, with the kids?

What you describe is really quite chilling.

Have you spoken to anyone from a domestic violence charity?

Its sexual assault and you can report it to the police even without recordings etc. At the very least it might make him stop

I've told exH to sleep elsewhere and he refuses the majority of the time.

If there is a spare bedroom then maybe you need to move into it, with your clothes etc, to emphasis a clear break. Some people (usually men) assume that your words mean nothing and they need to see action for it to sink in. Otherwise move his clothes etc into spare room and put a lock/bolt on your originally shared bedroom.

If he tries again tell him to stop sexually assaulting you otherwise you will go to the police, unless of course, you think he will react badly to that phrase in which case don't. Stay safe

THIS.