DD Hates Y6

OP, as a former teacher and as a parent of a daughter who sounds very much like yours, I deeply sympathise.

School used to be so simple! Especially primary school. God, why do they have to DO all this stuff? I agree that what you've described sounds contrived, unfair, divisive and just plain stressful. I'm glad my kids are now grown up. I don't know what to say to make things better - I'd just echo what other pps have said - it will pass. Yes, so much of all this guff is for show, and often amounts to a popularity contest.

But Year 6 should be a special time for children. I wonder if it's worth you having a word with the class teacher just to explain how demoralised your daughter is feeling? I completely get that she's been split apart from her 2 best friends (effectively) and this hurts.

So many initiatives are thought up by committees and have unforeseen consequences. I don't know if the awful Gifted and Talented thing is still going, but I hated that. Neither of mine were chosen (despite both of them getting into Oxbridge) but they were made to feel like second class citizens and seriously thought they WEREN'T Gifted and Talented. I had a lot of work to do as a parent to soften this blow. The sort of enrichment this scheme offered should be available to all children who want it, not those selected by some arcane means.

Rant over, but you have my sympathy.

I can’t help but feel that some of this negativity is being supported if not encouraged by you. The whole ‘it’s not fair’ thing - you started this thread after all! You’re not happy with the choice of head girl and deputy head which the teachers chose, you’re not happy with house captain selection because the children chose and it was ‘a popularity contest’, you’re not happy with quiz selection even though you say the girls chosen are the brightest ones, you’re not happy with the head and deputy going to the memorial event though it sounds like that’s part of their role in representing the school. You’re not happy your DD can’t be part of a team with the girls as it’s a max of two per team for the local history competition and you’re not happy with your DD’s partner because they’re ’not very bright’ and you think your DD will have to carry them.

It completely understandable that your DD is disappointed not to be chosen as head or deputy - it sucks. It’s never feels good to be left out. With a friendship group of three someone was going to miss out. Instead of complaining to the school it’s your job to acknowledge the way she’s feeling and encourage her to focus on other things. Making new friends, trying new things, maybe looking to the activities she does away from these two girls for the opportunity for some kind of mentoring, where older girls help the younger ones. That sense of being a role model can really help build a child’s confidence. Even when she’s working on the history project, it sounds like she’ll be taking the lead - that’s a more positive spin. Unfortunately she’s going to have years of tough experiences ahead of her in senior school when friendships come and go and she will miss out on opportunities she wanted. You can’t prevent that but you can help her learn that she can get through it and thrive.

then i wouldn't stress about it. she'll be picking up on your vibes, as well as her own!

it's 7 months. it'll go quickly.

if she's got any companions from perf arts group, maybe see if she wants to make some plans with them - if they're likely to end up in the same secondary, even better. but try not to make too big a thing of it.

we talked to DS1 a few times about the fact that friendships ebb and flow, and sometimes just fade away completely - it's perfectly normal as people grow and change.

we also reassured him that in a bigger setting with more people, there would be more people that liked the same things he did.

he eventually found his people, and is now very happy in his 1st year at uni

your DD will be fine!

It sounds like these children are getting opportunities which match their abilities and achievements. What have you done to enable your daughter to develop the same academic excellence?

DS1 had a really tough time in yrs 5 and 6. on the very fringes of several different friend groups, but not really included or involved with any. borderline bullying several times (instances where he admittedly didn't always help himself).

he just had to struggle through.

secondary school is much bigger, with lots more new potential friends, more opportunities to do different things.

DS1 absolutely flourished from pretty much day 1 outside his junior school.

your DD has a good opportunity to focus on whatever assessments are ahead of her this year (and they more than likely will make a difference to which classes she ends up in in yr 7).

are there any activities outside of school she could try, that might offer her some different social groups (sport, guides, music etc)?

If your dd had got the head girl role, would you be complaining about all these opportunities, or is this just sour grapes?

Sounds like your dd needs to broaden her friendship group, and you need to start focusing on qualities other than being 'bright'. 🙄

Ahh I was similar in year 6. My mum told me to put my head down and crack on with my work and look beyond year 6. Wr counted down the weeks. This sort of selection thing happens in life and it often hits hardest at that age when we're still learning and less secure in ourselves and what we do have, rather than what we don't have.

The history trip thing would've annoyed me though. I was actually interested in the Holocaust at that age. Such a trip would've been wasted on the rather vacuous deputy head girl in my year. That would've annoyed my mum as well but she had the ear of my junior headmistress so might have been able to swing me that one based on academic performance and known interest.

It's lazy to pick the usual suspects for such a trip when it could be a moment of recognition and reward for a child with a genuine interest and good record of achievement in history, don't you think?

this!

If these two particular girls weren't her friends I doubt neither you nor she would notice who was doing what. I'm sure there are other kids with other interests and talents who have been given other opportunities, but because your dd isn't interested in those you don't know anything about them.

The whole role of HG/HB is to represent the school, so it makes complete sense that the school sends them to such events. They want kids who will behave well and speak articulately and confidently to adults/crowds, which those 4 proved they could do in their audition, and which to be fair is something not many 10/11 year olds would be confident in doing. As you've pointed out there are some pressures to the role so makes sense there should be some rewards too.

She needs to learn the lesson that different people are good at different things, and sometimes those things come with rewards, and that this isn't unfair, but normal, and how life works. If she was musical and won a place at a local orchestra you wouldn't expect her friends to be given seats as well even though they couldn't play an instrument. If she was sporty you wouldn't expect all 3 kids to be given spots in the A team just because they're all friends. Of course the school are going to send their 4 most intelligent children to a quiz, they want to win!

It's your job as her mother to teach her this, not to back up her feeling that it's unfair and she's being left out.

She needs to develop her own talents and interests rather than following her friends but not being quite as good, and ideally also spread her wings and get to know a few other children. The current dynamic doesn't sound particularly healthy.

DD was one of the bright ones and still hated year 6. We survived the year but if I didn’t have to work, if I’d had a crystal ball and if I’d known we wouldn’t get any of our state school choices anyway, id have pulled her out for the year.

As a year many kids dislike it.

Both my kids hated year 6 despite being happy in all other years up to then. It’s a really tricky year. The very bright or mature ones have essentially outgrown their primary school and others are desperately trying to catch up in time for secondary. Those who have gone through 11+ are bored as have learned the entire curriculum already, others are very stressed about upcoming SATs. Friendships shift as these differences become apparent.

But I do think that going through this tricky final year of primary school builds resilience and prepares them for secondary.

Haha the irony!!!

You want to complain that your DD isn't treated like her friends because she's not as 'bright' but then lumbered with someone who's not very 'bright'.

If they were all treated the same maybe one of the other parents would be on here complaining their child was lumbered with your DD.

DD is only missing out as much as every other child apart from the head boys/girls.

And the history project......shit happens. I would encourage her to chill out with it. Enjoy the research aspect but don't break her back to present the project and carry the other child. Who cares?

It sounds tough for her op but in reality probably one of those situations we all have to learn to suck up and move on.

Ultimately much of the issue seems to come from the fact her two friends got picked for the leadership roles - and that kind of thing happens in life.

Can you encourage a friendship with someone else/another group so dd doesn’t feel like the third wheel? Threesomes are always tricky anyway … in some contexts more than others!

I feel your frustration. Many state primaries are trying to emulate private school models and it just means the kids who aren’t super confident/gob shites/ really academic get left behind. The expectations sound completely mad!!

Is it private school OP? They have very high expectations of all children and it’s really not for everyone!

Year 6 is tough because they also have a surge of hormones and their peers will suddenly be behaving like 14yo’s. It’s confusing as hell.

Im going to recommend a book to you called 101 things girls of teen mums know by Lorraine Candy. I know your DD isn’t a teen but it is relevant to preteens and honestly it’s saved my life during the tough time of having a girl aged 10/11!

I think the weekly assembly is a bit much and should be spread out between the kids, it's beneficial for all children to do some public speaking. Nothing else is particularly unreasonable.

This is what happens as children move to high school, usually most markedly in sports: kids who were good enough for the primary school team suddenly find they're not good enough at high school level and it can be a nasty surprise.

Nurture your daughter's talents and encourage her to make friends outside of school; she'll have a new friendship pool next year anyway.

And what about SATs, is the prep fully underway for the most important part of Yr6? Unless you are in a private school.

I think they could spread the duties and responsibilities out a bit more. The idea of a head boy and girl in primary school is different from the state school model round here. Usually it’s just a school council, so a bit less formal. No head girl or boy until end of secondary school.

Private school we attended for a short while did have head pupils but not until their last year, which was Yr8. They also did bonkers stuff like meaningless Effort and Attainment grades for Yr3 onwards in which the categories were English, Maths and Sport. The last of those 👀 🤷‍♀️ if being shouted at by an unqualified TA on a sports field wasn’t your bag. Also no SATs

It's usually the job of the head boy/girl to represent the school.

Many kids would not want to stand up in assembly and present parts, or get involved outside of school.

Schools usually spread actual opportunities around pretty fairly and head boy/girl do work that actually benefits the school but not particularly the person - showing parents around etc.

I don't think you can blame the school for the external project being in pairs.

Year 6 is sometimes very difficult for children. As others have said, it will be over soon and she will be at secondary.

It will all be over in two terms and they'll be off to their secondary schools where lots of new friends will be made.
Year 6 is often crap due to the obsession with SATS but it will be over soon.