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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to hint not to bring kids to wedding

117 replies

Meme555 · 27/11/2024 07:44

We are having a very small wedding next year (just registry office then lunch for 35 people). We have around 9 kids that can potentially come ranging from 4 months to 8 years. 5 of these are family/godchildren, however 3 are friends kids. We aren’t super close with the children as we see the parents separately rather than as a family. Is it unreasonable to just invite the parents? They have a great support system and often go away without the kids etc so not worried that they will struggle for childcare. This would then enable us to invite another couple of close friends

OP posts:
Lifeglowup · 27/11/2024 08:22

OrwellianTimes · 27/11/2024 07:47

Br clear, no hints. “Child free wedding” on the invitation.

She can’t say child free as she wants to invite 6 kids but not 3 others. Is there room
for the children or not? For the sake of paying for 3 kids I would just invite them.

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:21

Brombat · 27/11/2024 08:18

I do think you have bigger problems here. You can't assume step-daughter won't be upset & if it is the best man, then I wouldn't exclude just their dc.

I think you need a rethink.

We had a similar size wedding,, 30 years ago & I'm still hearing 2ndhand, how annoyed MIL was...

yes, however it’s quite a complicated family dynamic due to other half’s dad being a shit when he was younger, so his other siblings will often do things together which we aren’t invited to etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:19

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 27/11/2024 08:17

I missed your update - not inviting the best man's children Shock Terrible form, OP, sorry. You want him to come and do for you, but cba to accommodate his children?

Thanks, this was my thoughts but my other half doesn’t agree which is where we are stuck!

OP posts:
Brombat · 27/11/2024 08:18

I do think you have bigger problems here. You can't assume step-daughter won't be upset & if it is the best man, then I wouldn't exclude just their dc.

I think you need a rethink.

We had a similar size wedding,, 30 years ago & I'm still hearing 2ndhand, how annoyed MIL was...

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 27/11/2024 08:17

I missed your update - not inviting the best man's children Shock Terrible form, OP, sorry. You want him to come and do for you, but cba to accommodate his children?

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:16

Morph22010 · 27/11/2024 08:12

Given your update that there is only one family of children not being invited and thst one of their parents is the best man id speak to the parents first to see their thoughts rather than just impose it and risk offence. Being best man is slightly more than just being a normal guest, on a par with being one of the family, and if the best man’s children see the only ones not being invited it seems abit off. If you explain the situation maybe they will be perfectly happy to have a child free day but I’d initially keep the option of the kids being able to attend open until you’d spoken to them

Thanks, my other half has said he will speak to his best man, but they both have the sensitivity of a brick so I will maybe try and arrange for us to speak to both parents together before 😂

OP posts:
ZippyLilacStork · 27/11/2024 08:15

You just have to be explicit.
They will either accept the invitation without kids or they don’t.
I Suggest this is a verbal conversation though as the circumstances (not child free but not your kids) could really piss someone off if they don’t hear the perfectly reasonable explanation.

rookiemere · 27/11/2024 08:15

If they are the only family asked not to bring DCs, I think it seems a bit off to ask them not to bring their DCs, particularly as the DH is in the wedding party.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 27/11/2024 08:15

ArchMemory · 27/11/2024 07:48

You can’t hint. You’ve got to be direct. We said something vague and people still brought young children which was ok, it was a preference rather than a direct instruction. If you really don’t want them you need to say ‘I’m sorry we can’t accommodate children’. And you can’t be offended if parents then choose not to come.

Yes, this - and tbh I'd also be pretty upset if I were a close enough friend to be invited to your small wedding, but I got there and found my child was one of only three who'd been excluded - but I probably wouldn't accept the invitation if it excluded my child anyway, tbh. I suspect I'm in the minority on MN, but I find the exclusion of children from weddings odd and a bit miserable.

Morph22010 · 27/11/2024 08:12

Given your update that there is only one family of children not being invited and thst one of their parents is the best man id speak to the parents first to see their thoughts rather than just impose it and risk offence. Being best man is slightly more than just being a normal guest, on a par with being one of the family, and if the best man’s children see the only ones not being invited it seems abit off. If you explain the situation maybe they will be perfectly happy to have a child free day but I’d initially keep the option of the kids being able to attend open until you’d spoken to them

Wolfpa · 27/11/2024 08:12

Just tell them the truth, they may not want to bring them anyway.

I would revisit your thoughts around your older sister’s step daughter, surely she is now your niece and you should be treating her as family.

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:11

Phase2 · 27/11/2024 08:10

Wait do you are inviting everyone's children except for one family? That feels a bit weird tbh.

Because it’s actually only 2 other families with kids, one being my sisters children, and the other being godchildren

OP posts:
Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:11

Ellie1015 · 27/11/2024 08:08

Yanbu not to invite friends children.

If older sister is close to step daughter you are likely to really offend sister by not inviting her. I would check in with sister on this before sending invite.

Thanks, this was what I was worrying about

OP posts:
Phase2 · 27/11/2024 08:10

Wait do you are inviting everyone's children except for one family? That feels a bit weird tbh.

Ellie1015 · 27/11/2024 08:08

Yanbu not to invite friends children.

If older sister is close to step daughter you are likely to really offend sister by not inviting her. I would check in with sister on this before sending invite.

crumpet · 27/11/2024 08:07

Why do you have to mention anything on the invitation? Speak to them, explain the situation, and when you issue invitations just use the invitees names.

send them home with slices of cake for the kids

Nolegusta · 27/11/2024 08:04

I said YABU because it's unreasonable to hint. You have to make it clear that kids are not invited - this may result in some adults being unable to make it, as they cannot arrange childcare.

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 08:02

mitogoshigg · 27/11/2024 08:01

But based on your subsequent post, not inviting a stepdaughter is a far bigger issue unless you genuinely don't know her. As it's literally 5 people you are not inviting, can't you just get a slightly bigger venue?

Yes we’ve only met her twice and actually only met her dad a handful of times. She’s a teenager so can’t think she’d want to come particularly either

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 27/11/2024 08:01

But based on your subsequent post, not inviting a stepdaughter is a far bigger issue unless you genuinely don't know her. As it's literally 5 people you are not inviting, can't you just get a slightly bigger venue?

ZenNudist · 27/11/2024 08:00

Meme555 · 27/11/2024 07:56

Yes this is it, I’m 99% sure they wouldn’t want them to come anyway so was going to word the invitation as ‘children welcome or please feel free to attend without’ but thought this might be a bit vague 😂 my sister would love to leave her 3 at home but unfortunately my parents are her only childcare so she’s fuming

Show quote history

There's no point writing this. Just invite the adults and then if they check say the dc not invited due to space. If pushed say "we usually see you without DC and we are tight on numbers. It's only a small venue".

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/11/2024 08:00

If they are close enough friends to be invited you could ring them and chat it through or could you organise childcare for their kids and your sister's

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 07:59

Just to add to the situation, the dad of these children is best man 😂 we aren’t having bridesmaids/groomsman etc, just 3 flower girls for me and the best man

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mitogoshigg · 27/11/2024 07:58

It's fine to state no children to the friends at least but fully expect them to be unable to come

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 27/11/2024 07:57

It's a tiny wedding and they'll likely totally understand why their kids can't come. You have to be selective. Don't overthink it, it's perfectly fine not to invite the children.

Original poster
Meme555 · 27/11/2024 07:56

WatchOutForBabyHaggis · 27/11/2024 07:53

Yanbu. Perfectly fine.

Also, don't assume they'd even want to bring the dc. I LOVE a good wedding but it's a totally different occasion if you have your kids there to look after. One of our friends is getting married in May and it's the first wedding invite we've had in 5 years. I was thrilled when she said adults only! 😂🥳

Yes this is it, I’m 99% sure they wouldn’t want them to come anyway so was going to word the invitation as ‘children welcome or please feel free to attend without’ but thought this might be a bit vague 😂 my sister would love to leave her 3 at home but unfortunately my parents are her only childcare so she’s fuming

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