To try & ask for some/more grandparent input

I do think your expectations are too high @TheOnlyHonestOne. How often do you see them outside of the few overnights that they watch your DC?

Every family is different. I have friends whose parents take the kids at least one overnight a fortnight. I have some who don’t have any grandparents input at all. There are kids at Dads nursery who’s parents I’ve never met because grandparents do every pick up and drop off 🤷🏻‍♀️

In our family - all grandparents were hugely excited about pregnancy and talked constantly about spending time with grandchild (now 4yo). The reality is very different:

My Parents - 3 miles away, physically see DS twice a month at my house for an afternoon each time. FaceTime him probably 3 times per week too. Can’t go to their house due to dangerous dog. They have looked after DS once for most of a day while DH and I went to a wedding of a close friend. Wedding was a 3 hour drive away but they weren’t comfortable looking after DS overnight so gave us a midnight curfew 🙈😂 That’s the extent of the alone time DH and I have had since DS was born 😂 car journey, ceremony, meal and journey home lol.

MIL - lives 5 minute walk away. Doesn’t welcome visitors in her home and is very much in her own routine so we don’t get to drop in and visit her and are limited to when she wants to see us. She comes round for 1 hour every fortnight. We occasionally see her in passing in town too so it’s a quick hello. DS would never feel comfortable being alone with her at this stage, he’s very shy around her as he doesn’t really know her.

FIL & SMIL - Lived abroad for first 2 years of DSs life. Saw him twice on video call. Moved home to spend more time with Grandchildren (DS, and 5 GC on SMIL side). Live 15 minute walk away and have seen DS 6/7 times in 2 years, mainly all at events rat
her than casually spending time together. They look after 3 of SMIL GC 3 days per week and the other 2 of SMILs GC have bedrooms at their house and see them as and when they want. They live a 5 min walk away.
Whenever we try to make plans to spend time with them (as a family - I would never want/expect childcare!) they’re busy with SMILs kids or “needing some time without GC” - which I get as they have their other GC a lot. DS would walk past them in the street, he barely recognises them at all. SMIL did pop round a few weeks ago to borrow something and DS asked her why she never stays to play with him 🫠🙃 I think it’s the most he’s ever spoken to her tbh!

You need practical help with this age not weekends away and you live too far away from them for this to be an option.

If you moved closer then you could ask for more help but at the moment you are frustrated at a non issue because no matter of their offers or your asking could make this possible.

Sounds like you want to use them for unpaid babysitting. What if they want to see you all family but without them being the ones doing all the childcare work?

Can you go and see them for the weekend/invite them to come and stay/book a weekend away to all spend time together?

How often do you see them all together as a family and spend time making memories? I’d guess they’d really like to spend some time with their son and you too rather than just looking after the grandchildren as a babysitting service so you can go away together. Dropping them off to be picked up halfway seems transactional to me. I’d feel used.

Similarly you could facetime them and he can show little pictures he's done. "just ringing so he can show you what he did. Today at nursery" etc. Build the relationship you want.

Your op isn't clear.

If you want more time together invite them for meals for the night over around birthdays, celebrations or just because. "we're thinking of having you guys for a bbq when can you come"

How do you visit them. Do you do it there and back in a day? Mine didn't do that easily when small bit did when older. Do you go and stay overnight some weekends as a family?

I'm confused as to whether the times they seem your son are always bbsitting? If so I'd try and move towards more shared family time with no expectation of bbs or otherwise they will dread visits/they become a chore.

I wouldn’t want to leave a 3 year old overnight with people he isn’t that familiar with, even if they are family. That’s without the added bonus that one of those people drinks and gets ‘prickly’.

Sadly some people just aren’t that interested in their Grandchildren. I’m also in that situation and it’s taken a while to accept but I don’t try and force it. It’s their choice at the end of the day.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years so I understand how tired you are.
However they live 2 hours away so what support do you want? It's logistically difficult.

The other thing is I guess I would love to support my daughter when she has kids too but after 40 years of working full time I'd be reticent to so do more than once a week.

4 times a year and he stays overnight so you get time as a couple? Sounds like heaven to me!

Just seems the OP wants cheap baby sitting as she is tired. I don’t think you can expect grandparents to help out like this - small children can be exhausting and they have done their child rearing.

I get how tired you are OP but your expectations are too high. They are as involved as they want to be.

Also OP given these are in-laws rather than your own family, their family may just have a different culture around grandparenting than yours. If you grew up with grandparents that were practically extra parents then they may seem cold and detached to you, but if your DH never stayed with grandparents when he was little he may think they're doing loads.

Toddlers really aren't much fun; they're exhausting and many people don't want to deal with nappies. I can't blame the GPs.

Maybe cultivate friendships with parents near you and trade off minding one another's kids on weekends.

I think the fact they live 2 hours away is a factor in all this as presumably, they can't really just 'pop' in for a quick visit for a four hour round trip. I would for a grandchild but everyone is different.
Also, why is your husband not communicating this to them? And do your parents visit more frequently?

I’m not resentful of this, but in my mind it was going to be more like once every six weeks.

but it’s not up to you how often someone looks after your child, you’re not entitled to it. You have been asking and they say no they are busy so that’s completely their choice if they have him or not.
You said he goes 3/4 weekends a year that is far more than a lot of parents get and you should be very grateful for that and not act so entitled that you should be getting more. I genuinely can’t remember the last time my children stayed with grandparents overnight but it’s definitely not been in the last 5 years and that ok because they’re my kids to look after. If you wanted them to see him more you could always go to them for the day as a family and all spend time together

My parents live a 10 minute drive away and really weren’t interested in my two. Whereas they saw first born niece practically every day and helped sis out with childcare.

Sorry but your IL’s like they idea but in practice it isn’t something they necessarily want. They clearly don’t want to do this or they would have made more effort before now. Time passes quickly I wouldn’t waste my breath. In my experience they either want to
and make the effort and do it freely and without pressure or they don’t.

Where are your parents in this?

My two are at Uni now and have little to no contact/relationship now and don’t feel any closeness. Whereas niece rings DM daily often more than once and visits several times a week. But it isn’t the healthiest dynamic.

Good decision. I wouldn’t ask them. They are very well aware of how much they see him if they wanted more they’d ask. I don’t think every six weeks is too much but they obviously do. It’s a shame but their loss. Maybe just visit with him more but don’t drop off and leave him and not look for ‘support’. They might like to see him with no caring responsibilities.

I think that many overnights a year is loads.

When you don't live near family they can't provide childcare in the same way that local grandparents can, no matter what everyone wants.

Ours are a similar distance. They usually visit us for an afternoon (which I think is crazy, they're invited to stay but prefer not to). One side does one or two overnights a year, the other hasn't done an hour of childcare in six years but is still a wonderful grandparent who we all love dearly.

I think you need to adjust your expectations.

If they wanted to, they would.

Our children's gps live 2 and 4 hours away. Too far for any practical help. My mum watched my oldest recently when I had a c section and my fil watched him for a few days last year while I was in hospital. Apart from that they only see them a few times a year. We love miles away and don't expect it but I do prefer it that way too. Both my dh and I usually work full time. We get tired I guess but having young children is tiring and it's what we signed up for.

My MIL sees her grand kid 2-3 times a year and we always have to come to her. She moans about not seeing her but won't make the journey. If they wanted it, they would. It's lovely that you're trying with them but honestly I'd let them be.

I think just leave it and get on with your own lives - if they request to see him then try and make plans but otherwise stop forcing it. Their loss - 2 hours is quite far..

OP why can’t your DH have this conversation? It probably feels awkward because they’re your in-laws. If it was your own parents you probably wouldn’t feel this level of cringe. If DH wants this too then he should be the one to open up this conversation.

They live too far away to be of any practical help at all. But I wouldn't be doing four hour round trips on request - you go and see them when it suits you (weekends) and if they want to see him otherwise they travel to you.

My parents are awesome but they see my son when I bring him to see them - because of distance and pets that is just how it is. I do feel envious of those who have local grandparents, but then I moved away so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Two hours isn't far. I'd say we're just looking at weekends away / family plans / trip to X and wondering if there was any time you wanted to come and stay here - obviously we won't be able to bring DC to you once he starts school - just want to make sure we are facilitating as much contact as you want.

I always viewed my job as facilitating that relationship. MIL was pretty useless with the kids until they hit upper juniors / secondary when she found them much more interesting / engaging / less tiring.