To try & ask for some/more grandparent input

"To try & ask for some/more grandparent input"

Do you really mean free babysitting?

If they only see your child when they take him overnight, then when do they see you or their own child?

Don't you ever visit as a family?

Some people don't enjoy the company of young DC. GC or not. I don't think my DM did either. Never a sleepover in 13 years.
They don't want to. Don't ask.

There are different views on grandparenting. Here's mine.

Me and partner (both late seventies) currently spend two nights a (school) week at the house of one of our children. We used to collect the grandkids from school when they needed that, now we wait for them to get in, take them to after-school activities, cook for them and their parents those two nights, sleep overnight (on a comfortable sofa-bed bought for the purpose).

They live almost two hours away; we cycle to the train station, get a taxi or bus the other end, cycle back early morning from the station. We've got quite handy at cooking stuff at home, packaging for the trip and re-warming.

The grandchildren's parents work late the nights we're there; the days we're not there, they each work different part-time hours so one of them is home when their children arrive (and take them to other after-school activities).

This works well so far. (Though Covid was a bit of a nightmare of course.) And ... we (me and partner) love doing it! We have really good close relationships over three generations of family, our child and partner get to do relatively high-powered jobs whilst still keeping close to their kids, and we grandparents continue with a shape to our lives now we have retired from paid work.

We oldies still volunteer elsewhere and have (mostly separate but some joint) hobbies and other activities when we're not grandparenting. And we use school holidays, half-terms etc., to visit and stay with other children and grandchildren (in other countries; we're quite a spread-out family, for various reasons).

Some grandparents, like us, love to spend time with grandkids even when it takes a bit of work. Others, I know, feel that they've done enough with their own children and don't really want to do more. I don't judge - it takes all sorts - but I do think it's worth pointing out that some of us grandparents do really enjoy looking after the next-generation-but-one. (And I do feel the 'hands-off' grandparents miss out, even if they don't see it!)

So, OP, in the light of this, I recommend you ask; explain parameters carefully, don't be too disappointed if the answer's 'No', but do give them this chance of joy.

I honesty think it’s best not to bother approaching the subject to ensure the relationship. Maybe look at some date weekends/nights for you and partner and see if they can babysit have a sleepover? I don’t expect any of my kids grandparents to have any of mine regularly nor frequently to enable a relationship. My parents do bother more even if it’s just phone calls. The in laws bother less, usually odd visits or birthdays as Christmases, the in-laws live 1hr 40 mins away. Putting it in perspective in my situation my dad was in the army till my twins were born (no4&5) they moved there before my eldest was born and I had no2&3 when they were there too and my parents lived in Germany and I in the uk. My in laws then lived in the same town, my children were closer to my parents than my husbands not because of physical contact or sleepovers it was because my mum rang every single day. Now my parents live 20 mins away and now the kids are older they incredibly close but they’ve never had sleepovers, they have never been ones to want to sleep out unless at friends. But I do ask them to come and sit and babysit if we are going out on a date night etc. if they can they will if they can’t they don’t. I didn’t have them for child care or physical support which was fine for me, my sister has two and my mum has been her childcare since they were 6months old now 8 and 5. They have seen my mum and dad much more really but they’ve never are no closer to my parents than mine. So hope that helps your worry. What will be will be and your son won’t actually miss out, growing up my grandma (dads mum) didn’t bother, only bothered couple times a year, my mum tried everything, and you know what I don’t care and never did it affect me - I’m I contact with her but I don’t miss what I never had xx

I’m sorry you feel you need some more support, but unfortunately they live 2hrs away it’s not really a simple case of them being able to help/support more than they already do. I’m not sure what your expectations from them are?

If it’s solely that you are concerned about your sons relationship with his grandparents and concerned that what happened currently will not be able to continue some sept, then just mention it in conversation and explain things will have to be adapted come sept due to school. See what they suggest? Unfortunately it’s not your job to ensure they have a relationship with their grandchild, that’s on them xx

Why sort out sleepovers? I don't think this is right. It's more "let's get some weekends in the diary we can come up and visit/ you can come down"

Just using them for childcare 3 weekends a year and spending no other time together is a recipe for resentment.

“As GS is starting school in September we’ll have to sort some days out or sleepovers in the calendar so you don’t miss him too much”

I wouldn't ask - ultimately it's their choice you can't make them see gc more. 2 hours is a fair distance do they still work?

This
As hard as it is OP, I wouldn't ask or make suggestions
If they wanted to see your son more, they would.
If they wanted to be more involved, they could do so easily.
This situation isn't unusual

Seeing your grandchild three times a year in total isn't a lot at all. But having him overnight on his own three times a year is a lot, given that they live two hours away. Don't you all spend time together, with you and DH there too? Do they only see him on the occasions when they have him to stay for a night on his own?

@TheOnlyHonestOne YABVVVU by framing this thread as wanting GPs'"input". Weasel words or what?
You want them to look after your children. Own it.

What are your parents offering? You say nothing about this.

Or can't be driving 4 hours so Dil can go out.

Your post said your exhausted and want support not that you want the relationship....young children are exhausting but you make it sound like you want them to have the kids weekends so you can rest. ....that's not a relationship that's work.

So to pop in means they are in the car for 4 hours is that right? If so why not invite them to stay? The wanting to meet half way makes it sound like the drive is the issue. I'm 60 and get very stiff if in a car for an hour despite being very fit and active.

How old are the grandparents OP?

I think a lot of grandparents only remember the easy bits of parenting, and then when presented with a boisterous 3 year old who gets up at 5:30am, they find their energy levels can't keep up.

My DPs live 3 hours away, so we all go to see them every 8 weeks or so. They used to come to us more, but struggle with night driving now.

They'd probably have the kids twice a year when they were young. They loved their grandkids, but being early retired, they also had full and active social lives.

In-laws live 4 hours away, and we will probably see them 2-3 times a year. Again, we all go. They used to visit more, but can no longer drive long distances and health issues mean public transport is difficult for them.

We saw grandparents a lot with ds but it was family visits not rests for us as a rule. It was sometimes a bit of a break as eg dh and FIL would go off with ds for a few minutes, but tbh there was remarkably little of that. Most visits were about me trying to keep ds appropriately entertained in someone else's house while waiting for big family meals.

I was perhaps lucky that my own grandparents were pretty old by the time I came along, and there were so many of us, that my expectations were low. I think my dad's mum babysat me for my parents for the evening once, and we lived in the same house! As for my mum's mum, she had 17 grandchildren and i was number 15 of those so i was no novelty. I have good memories of my grandparents but they didn't pitch in as substitute parents in any way.

I think if you visit parents, it's to maintain family relationships, not to get a break as such.

Bit unfair- they're all thoughtful, they just don't all tell you what you'd like to hear. It's not that 3 weekends a year is a lot, it's that it's a lot for someone who lives quite a ways away. I suppose my only advice would be to bulk up your visits to them, show that you don't just want a transactional relationship. It might be 3 or 4 overnights with their grandson, but you could still go down and see them more often for a visit.

@TheOnlyHonestOne do you visit then as a family? Do they come and visit you for weekends?

I don't really understand your posts. It seems like you're just looking for them to give you weekends off, but I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding.

My wonderful in-laws lived 2.5 hours away. It never once occurred to me that they would have our children to stay alone. We saw them every 6 weeks or so for family visits. They'd come and stay with us or we'd stay with them. But it didn't occur to me to ask them to give us a weekend off. Their role was to love their grandkids, not to provide childcare at that distance.

We had v little support with our two. It's a bitter pill to swallow, OP, so I get it, but some people like the thought of being grandparents more than the reality. It's not socially acceptable to say you're not that fussed and barely see your grandkids, though, is it.

The tiredness you feel now does get better. He's very young. It won't be like this forever.

I wouldn't bother, personally.

I would only remind them that DS will only have weekend and school holidays soon and leave it there. If they really wanted more time, they would plan it, not just say it.

@TheOnlyHonestOne are you leaving you lo there without one of you for the night? I definitely wouldn’t, he doesn’t know them, this could really freak him out and also you said she likes a drink ? I definitely wouldn’t leave a little child in that situation, especially when they spend so little time with him.
All the grandparents on our side have been totally hands off and aunts and uncles. I have a relative who visits (has never once offered to mind my kids ) goes out themselves but wouldn’t dream of offering to watch them so we could go for a walk or get a coffee . In fact my inlaws cause work , the complete opposite of help. I remember my mil asking me to get her a cup of tea when she visited a couple of days after I had my 2nd, like you couldn’t make it up !!
It is what it is🤷‍♀️ Some families want to help each other and others don’t.
Some grandparents just want to see their grandkids with their parents which is fair enough I guess. I would not be pulling him out to drive 2 hours and leaving him there with people he doesn’t know properly yet .

Both sets of my son's grandparents live an hour away from us, in the same village. That's too far for day to day help and only my parents have had him overnight as babysitters and only 3 times since we've had him, he's now 12 so 3-4 times a year is loads. It's hard when you work full time as we both do and don't have any family close by who can help out but it does get easier as they get older.

Your MIL loves to think of herself as a really devoted hands-on grandmother but actually can't be bothered to make the effort. I wouldn't even bother asking as you will only be disappointed. The comments she makes must be really annoying though.

I think its the distance. In my experience the children who see the grandparents very frequently live under an hour from them and the grandparents don't tend to do as much of the travelling. They live close by and the whole family see the grandparents regularly rather than the grandparents providing a lot of childfree time for the parents. Eg whole family go most weeks for sunday lunch.

When it gets to 2 hours away, the travel time means no one can manage it as often. Every 6 weeks - no way. My parents live that distance and i consider we're doing well to see them 4/5 times a year and thats not them providing childcare, that might only happen once a year. It's more us all visiting.