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Original poster

To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

621 replies

twogreentrees · 26/11/2024 10:31

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

OP posts:
Isatis · 28/11/2024 08:17

twogreentrees · 26/11/2024 11:27

The dog is now not allowed off lead following various incidents where it ran off. They have a fairly small house but a large garden backing onto fields so it has killed things whilst in the garden or out with BIL in the fields.

Even if we had the kittens upstairs and our dog elsewhere the dog will go ballistic every time it sees the ducks through the garden doors.

DH does agree with me, he is just trying to find a solution.

BIL won't come just for the day. It's too far. They are nearly 3 hours from us.

I must say, I question whether they are doing the dog any favours by keeping it permanently on a lead. If it is that untrainable it may be kinder to put it to sleep.

Isatis · 28/11/2024 08:15

twogreentrees · 26/11/2024 10:39

DH has been nagged at a lot by BIL and SIL. He's ended up suggesting we try to put our dog in kennels! Apparently it would be fine if we shut our kittens in a bedroom upstairs and just don't let the dog into the garden with the ducks!

I am very much the baddie in this. DH is trying to keep the peace and not upset BIL/SIL too much.

Has your DH or his brother managed to explain why it's offensive to put their dog into kennels, but not offensive to put your dog there?

RecklessGoddess · 28/11/2024 08:07

twogreentrees · 26/11/2024 10:39

DH has been nagged at a lot by BIL and SIL. He's ended up suggesting we try to put our dog in kennels! Apparently it would be fine if we shut our kittens in a bedroom upstairs and just don't let the dog into the garden with the ducks!

I am very much the baddie in this. DH is trying to keep the peace and not upset BIL/SIL too much.

Tell your husband you're not ruining your own Christmas, for a dangerous, untrained dog!

Pliudev · 28/11/2024 08:05

Sorry I'm not able to read the whole thread and someone may have said this. Obviously stand your ground. But also, are they making attempts to have this dog trained? I know someone having similar problems with a Romanian rescue dog, albeit a small one. It might be altruistic to rescue these animals but it's naive to imagine they will easily adapt. Some of them have survived on prey for several generations and the instinct is bred into them. Breaking that pattern is hard. We are alert now to the dangers of certain breeds but I wonder if our kindness may be adding a whole raft of problems. I've just realised I sound like a Reform supporter! I'm not. I just think it's very important to be realistic about the issues that might arise from our well meaning actions.

rookiemere · 28/11/2024 08:05

Send them a link to rover.com. Dog care will be available if they really try hard.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/11/2024 07:50

There are loads of individual dog sitters around-get them to put something on their community facebook page; I’m sure something would pop up

NeedToChangeName · 28/11/2024 07:47

I'll gently push back at your suggestion that SIL should do more to help with Christmas catering, as its not / shouldn't be womens work In the 21st century.

I assume you meant that SIL and BIL should do more

Thursdaygirl · 28/11/2024 07:24

Thanks for the update OP

KnigCnut · 28/11/2024 07:20

Don't be so reasonable @twogreentrees . This is MN and AIBU where everything is hyperbole and extreme. No one discusses and comes to a sensible solution. People are either Mary Poppins or Hannibal Lecter, nothing in between will suffice!

7yo7yo · 28/11/2024 07:07

Totally irrelevant but. DOG IN LAW. Love it.

Original poster
twogreentrees · 28/11/2024 07:03

I do feel some on this thread are writing their own narrative here.

DH is not a selfish arse. He is trying to explore solutions to a difficult situation. He doesn’t need to speak “for” me but would do if I didn’t feel I could. He is largely the one obviously having the conversations and messages with bil since they’re 3 hours away. He’s backing up what I’ve said.

Dog-in-law is not a rabid child killer. He’s not well trained has zero recall and has a very high prey drive but is perfectly fine with people. I don’t agree with adopting animals (cats or dogs) from abroad but that’s a different issue.

BIL is not a horrible person he just made assumptions. He is now in a strop and I am the baddie in their eyes but that’s because they wanted to come for Christmas and see everyone but now that plan has been scuppered and they have limited other options for leaving the dog this close to Christmas. He knows I’m sure that he ought to have thought it through more carefully. He disagrees that the risk is high which means he is frustrated and has expressed that to DH. He has also said that Christmas has been ruined now etc but they’re brothers and fairly close so not unusual to say things like that whilst venting the frustration. Theyre not just going to turn up unexpectedly on Christmas Day FFS- they’re not completely psychotic. DH is also grumpy and stressed since Christmas plans are now disrupted but it’s more frustration with the fact that none of the proposed solutions are workable and that impacts on our plans. It’s a shame for everyone and in particular PIL are elderly and it’s nice for them when everyone is together. dH is not the one thinking I’m a baddie, that’s BIL.

Im not a spineless downtrodden wench having family Christmases foisted on me where im a slave to my ILs and sitting crying in the cinders once they’ve gone. It suits me to host because we have animals plus both DH and I get to have a drink, go for a walk with the dog mid in the morning and avoid the roads. Plus my teens are happier in their own space. Plus my house looks fucking ace at Christmas. I admit it would be nice if SIL offered to do a bit more/anything but that doesn’t mean I’m going to delight in a quiet Christmas. who wants to be on their own at Christmas? That’s not the family Christmas I had planned and we rarely get together as a whole group.

Anyway no real updates. They have apparently called some kennels but all booked up.

OP posts:
Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 28/11/2024 05:57

If the dog understands Russian не ешь кошку is don't eat the cat, following on the idea from @tolerable

tolerable · 28/11/2024 05:45

Did they ask...dog could join in?
(would suggest 50/50 vhance would be a outright no)
did i read they stay two days?you arent just anti east euro rescue pet as such.Have they try speak \command in its native language ?it maybe doesnt understnd english? (i am so sorry tea is come out my eyes laughincryin at that)
b\ack to it. dog not invited.obvious reasons.non debateable.the end.
f++k em

Newtt · 28/11/2024 05:17

mcmen05 · 27/11/2024 23:37

@twogreentrees what will you do if they show up Xmas day with dog

I was wondering if there was any scenario where they just show up with the dog on Christmas Day too.

Have you got a pre-thought out response and plan?

Much easier to say ‘No Sorry’, dogs name is not down, he’s not coming in… If you and your DH have discussed it before hand.

Maybe even have a ‘jokey’ conversation with PIL about how there would be no room at the Inn if the dog showed up ‘unexpectedly’ too.

No invitation, no admittance.

Talk through the possibilities with DH and be clear what you’d accept if confronted with it on Christmas Day.

The family joys of the jolly season 😁
Have a good one !!

andIsaid · 28/11/2024 04:09

twogreentrees · 27/11/2024 22:19

And I didn’t say DH wouldn’t defend me. However I don’t need defending thanks. I am perfectly capable of having my own views and opinions and standing up for myself.

Crazies gotta crazy! 😁

Codlingmoths · 28/11/2024 03:52

twogreentrees · 27/11/2024 22:19

And I didn’t say DH wouldn’t defend me. However I don’t need defending thanks. I am perfectly capable of having my own views and opinions and standing up for myself.

You said he wasn’t defending you, that ‘I am very much the baddie in this’. I can also defend myself, but obviously I also expect dh to. What is the point of him if he isn’t a team here, why would I marry someone and expect to be on my own in every disagreement including with his family?

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 28/11/2024 03:44

I honestly think you're both doormats, your DH should just his brother a flat no, and you should both tell them to contribute to the meal after 17 years of not bringing anything Confused

ThinWomansBrain · 28/11/2024 02:45

Find kennels for "D"h? Permanently.

Have a peaceful Christmas at home, "D"h goes to visit his brother

Lemonadeand · 28/11/2024 02:20

twogreentrees · 26/11/2024 10:39

DH has been nagged at a lot by BIL and SIL. He's ended up suggesting we try to put our dog in kennels! Apparently it would be fine if we shut our kittens in a bedroom upstairs and just don't let the dog into the garden with the ducks!

I am very much the baddie in this. DH is trying to keep the peace and not upset BIL/SIL too much.

Is he suggesting you pay for the kennels in this scenario, given that you’re hosting? Surely even if you went with this suggestion BIL should pay?

oakleaffy · 28/11/2024 02:03

oldmoaner · 28/11/2024 00:00

Don't blame the dog. You haven't trained him, now your fed up of him and showing all your affection to the cat, maybe he feels pushed out, yes animals have feelings as well as humans. If I was him I'd piss in your slippers. Poor dog. Get a child gate, take him out regularly and praise him for doing whatever outside. Otherwise get him done, and get someone to train him if your not capable.

The Pug thread?! 👍 Quite agree with you on this.

oakleaffy · 28/11/2024 02:00

JimPanzee · 28/11/2024 00:16

Have you read a different thread???? 😵‍💫

Show quote history

Ah, I think this is relevant to the PUG THREAD.... where someone has a Pug they profess to hate, and the Pug {un-neutered, un trained} is peeing everywhere in the house.

The OP of that thread has a cat they love, and a baby, and Pug is not really wanted by the sounds of it.

SpryCat · 28/11/2024 01:35

You said their dog is very noisy so not only will it be pacing as it can smell your animals in an unfamiliar house it will be very vocal and you will have a big dog lunging on a lead (tripping hazzard) when it catches sight of your free range ducks in the garden. The dog won’t even be able do a quick wee in the garden and if the ducks are penned for a couple of days I’m sure they will become vocal too. If the dog is male and stressed (even if neutered) he most probably will start marking in the house as it can smell your animals. Then if you put your dog in kennels not only have you got the added expense why should your dog have to go away to accommodate another and they expect to stay for a couple of nights?? You also know how it would end if said dog actually got hold of any animals!

Your BIL is taking the piss, his dog his problem that they cant come over and stay as they usually do, it’s up to him to find a sitter or dog walker to enable him and family to come for dinner and then go home.

Ivymom · 28/11/2024 01:29

If I’m understanding this correctly, OP’s DH didn’t tell BIL he could bring the dog or offer to make other arrangements for OP’s pets. He only tried to brainstorm something that would keep both BIL and OP happy. I don’t think this is a case of a husband trying to appease his relatives at the expense of his wife. OP said no and it seems her DH is backing her up.

My DH did the same when his mom wanted to visit with her untrained, bitey dog. He never once told MIL she could bring the dog. He just tried to come up with an idea that both MIL and I would be happy with. When I said I would call animal control if her dog bit any of us, my DH accepted that the dog couldn’t come and told MIL no.

oldmoaner · 28/11/2024 00:37

Sorry posted on wrong thread.

justworking · 28/11/2024 00:25

oldmoaner · 28/11/2024 00:00

Don't blame the dog. You haven't trained him, now your fed up of him and showing all your affection to the cat, maybe he feels pushed out, yes animals have feelings as well as humans. If I was him I'd piss in your slippers. Poor dog. Get a child gate, take him out regularly and praise him for doing whatever outside. Otherwise get him done, and get someone to train him if your not capable.

Wtf?