That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

It may not even be about the gifts. When I have in the past felt as he does about gift giving, it was because I wasn’t getting the undevided attention and affection I needed from my partner, and I saw the gift giving as a symptom of that lack of care.

When I was in another relationship when my partner made e feel loved, values, and appreciated, I couldn’t care less about gift giving, it became a non issue because my needs were being met elsewhere.

Not saying your at fault, you must have your hands full raising little kids while he’s galavanting around this time of year.

It may be that this crack grows bigger if you don’t both help to fill it in together.

Ask him when he’s relaxed and happy what a perfect birthday would look like for him, then try to do that. Make it spectacular, a day out in a super car, sky diving, a weekend at a country castle hotel, big tickets to his favourite concert or sporting event, hire a company to deliver and install birthday decorations in the house, have his favourite music playing… that sort of thing.
If you don’t have time to do it, outsource it to professionals.

Then make sure he understands your love language is NOT gift giving, and you would for yourself instead like more help domestically, or more varied affection and sex, or whatever it is that makes you feel content and loved…

He needs to understand it’s give and take and he is not 5 years old snd you are not his mummy, and that you may also have unmet needs, no matter how baffling it may be to the other person.

Urgh! This behaviour is ick-inducing. What a baby.

Sounds good

I tell mine not to buy me anything expensive, I have no reason to put that ridiculous societal pressure on him.

A friend and his wife decided they wouldn’t get presents for each other’s birthday but instead put the money together and bought a family membership to a local health/sports club.

I do think it's a bit rubbish not to involve the kids a bit - aged 4 mine would definitely have made daddy a card with some stickers and we'd have gone to the shops to choose Daddy a present - it doesnt have to be expensive its the thought that counts, mine would have chosen daddy some chocs or other treats. Even at 2 id have sat with mine and helped them make a card for daddy using stickers etc.

But i think he's being a bit of a dick expecting lots of money spent.
Does he not give you ideas of stuff he wants? Tech items like new wireless headphones maybe?

Is he ok with you being a SAHM or would he prefer you to work, could it be that there's an underlying frustration that his birthday has to be a bit scrimped on in order to enable you to stay at home?

Special doesn't mean expensive.

This might be a nice idea “from the kids” - lots of different options on Not on the High St https://www.notonthehighstreet.com/birdiebarn/product/personalised-metal-photo-wallet-card?attributionToken=pwHwpgoMCLDblroGEKm8rPsCEAEaJDY3N2FkZDdiLTAwMDAtMjU2MC1iYjFiLTc0NzQ0NjNmNjU4NSobR0ExLjEuMjAxNjk0NzY1Ny4xNzMyNjE5NjIzMjyjgJcimd3YMNqZsS_C8J4VjpHJMNSynRWc3dgwjr6dFZzWty3Fy_MXt7eMLZ_Wty2o5aotkPeyMJruxjA6DmRlZmF1bHRfc2VhcmNoSAF6Andh&referredBy=search

Well that's a bit of an exaggeration as some people do hold sentimental value to special gifts but it's clearly not the case here. And expecting a constant stream of material gifts is indeed weird.

Special gifts are more special when they're few and far between, like for a special anniversary, or something the partner has saved up for knowing you really wanted it. Not sending a list of branded items...

He sounds like a child. I’d buy him an Oxfam goat from the children and tell him to organise his own presents if he’s that disappointed in yours.

Tell him he is right. Your SO EXCITED to see what he is planning for YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS. Would he like a similar gift list.

Then once you have his attention, say does he agree it would be better for you both as adults to get 3 small cheap gifts. One from partner, one from each child and £100 cash to go sale shopping...
Hear me out you hive him £100 on Christmas he gives you the same £100 back. Even if he won't realise and so you now have the money to do what you like...
I think gift experiences are good ideas, as it is something we don't do everyday.

If he was disappointed after your ‘lack of effort’ from his last birthday, I wouldn’t buy the ungrateful bastard another thing.
Book yourself a spa for his next birthday and leave him to solo parent your kids.

In our house the kids decide what to get from 'them' then its a genuine gift. Even the 3 year can come up with something she wants to get daddy! It may be shit but at least its genuine and thoughtful from them, and we both really appreciate what they choose. He sounds like a childish ungrateful so and so who needs a reality check.

Material presents are for kids who haven't learned the value of anything. I don't know why anyone would care about receiving anything material past a certain age, or giving for that matter.

Nothing says I haven't treated you well this year more than an expensive gift.

Seriously?

The works do isn’t a gift… and as others have said you seem to be pissed off with the amount of jollies he goes on. Which is entirely reasonable btw but it’s a separate issue.

Aside from that he sounds like a spoiled brat. If he has very exacting standards about what he wants for this birthday it’s on him to sort it out and organise it. You’re not his mum.

Best post!

I can't imagine that anything you do/buy will ever be enough. It's a peculiar way to live to feel obliged to buy things the receiver neither wants nor needs. Your DH sounds incredibly immature.

Wondering about your access to money, your pension etc with you being a SAHM. Are you vulnerable here? Spending thousands on Christmas is nuts. What does your DH say when you talk about presents/spending. Does he look after the children when he's about?

Get them to decorate a t-shirt with their handprints.

If you don't want the Fairfax & Favor boots, can I have them? I covet a pair (kidding- my calves are far too fat, which probably a good thing).

Did you work before having kids? Do you have plans to get back into work once your little one us at nursery? I would be thinking hard about it if I were you.

Tell him birthdays and Xmas are for children and women - not really for men!
Did he not get the memo??

His attitude would really give me the ick. He NEEDS presents? I don't understand how he was 'disappointed' at all the stuff you did for his birthday previously..what did he actually want you to do? Just pathetic.

Make some biscuits or buy some. Then let kids decorate them and put in box that they can also decorate. He can’t criticise and they’ll eaten so no waste or tat to fill up the house.

OP, why are you even pandering to this?. He is a fully grown up adult man who strops out about not being given enough expensive presents, which he is demanding. If one of your children behaved in such an entitled way, what would you do? The worst of it, it sounds that no matter what you get him it will never be good enough, and it will always be too little. He needs to grow up. And your kids don’t need to be seeing their father behaving in such a bad way. Please speak with him.

You both need to stop. You're both buying (and expecting, in his case) pointless and expensive gifts that neither of you really want, in circumstances where it appears that the money could be put to much better use.

One way to do this is to have an experiences/consumables rule - you only get each other things like trips or meals out or nice things that can be consumed and so don't hang around the house.

In our house, the DC give my DH a homemade card, some "art" (handprints or finger prints made into an animal, usually) and a homemade cake that we make together. That's it.

Honestly, how many "No 1 Daddy" mugs does a man need to massage his ego? My DH has one (given by grandparents) and even he would admit that that's one too many, given that he's a workaholic who hardly sees his kids during the week.

I'd get him nothing.

Then he'd really know what disappointment is. What a spoiled brat.