Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

264 replies

Nespressso · 26/11/2024 09:53

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 21:38

Allfur · 27/11/2024 21:32

We do presents, whats not to love?

Show quote history

Random tat? Like wooden pictures or fingerprint cuff links

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 21:33

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 21:33

I would take my kids to a £1 shop, and say they can pick 5 things for daddy. And let them loose.

To add:
Because it is not about the present, it is the fact his kids have chosen them.

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 21:33

I would take my kids to a £1 shop, and say they can pick 5 things for daddy. And let them loose.

Allfur · 27/11/2024 21:32

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/11/2024 20:29

Crazy! Adults don't need presents.

We buy each other lots of fun things to open on the day - or even dull things like socks and cans of beer - but we disguise it so the person has to guess, and usually has no clue. We don't spend money on 'real' presents - if we want stuff we buy it anyway. Don't most grown ups??

We do presents, whats not to love?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 27/11/2024 21:12

Seeing as he's paying for his own presents just get him something off his list.

ChopstickNovice · 27/11/2024 21:09

I'm exhausted just reading that OP. Sounds like you did LOADS!!! He sounds awful.

Havinganamechange · 27/11/2024 21:09

I think he is a total dick and I would make zero effort. What a total prick. Another bachelor playing a part time role as husband and dad while taking the piss out of his sahm wife.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 27/11/2024 21:00

Not on the high street do lots of custom made items for (ungrateful dickheads) dads, like cufflinks with a fingerprint of your child engraved on them, shit like that. Not hideously expensive, but tbh he sounds fucking awful, having had so much time away whilst you are continuing on at the coal face with what sounds like fuck all recognition for doing it all 24/7, SAHM or not. Feel for you.

SpunkyKoala · 27/11/2024 20:58

You are adults do you really NEED birthday gifts ? Unless there is something really specific we want we tend not to bother we go for a picky bits tea and a cake and that’s enough

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2024 20:57

Amazon wish list, limit to £50 if he buys what he wants anyway. He sounds like a right wanker, sorry.

chugalugme · 27/11/2024 20:56

Wonderi · 26/11/2024 14:06

I’m surprised by the majority of these responses.

If I was working hard so my DH didn’t have to work and was able to still have a decent lifestyle, then yes I would want a bit of effort on my birthday.
(I think it should be reciprocated also).

A works do is not effort and I would be annoyed that my DH said this was part of my birthday treat.

I would like an experience eg a meal out or cinema trip and a thoughtful present from my DH and kids.

It seems this relationship is quite transactional and the gifts may be expensive but there is no thought or love behind them.

@Wonderi Just seen this post and pleased I’m not alone!

chugalugme · 27/11/2024 20:47

I do understand that it can be so hard to think of nice things to buy your other half, especially when they just buy the things they want when they want it.

However, I am of the unpopular opinion (it would seem) that it’s reasonable for him to have a bit of a fuss made of him on his birthday. I wonder whether his disappointment was not about how much you spent, or what you did, but because of your clear cynicism and impatience about doing any of it. Just because you don’t want or need the expensive gifts, doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried, and maybe that’s all he wants from you? That doesn’t make him a child.

You’ve had a tiring time with him being away and you looking after the kids single handedly. I think you should be able to talk about this openly with him and work out how you can have a bit of time to yourself etc.
But separately to that, I think take a bit of time to think of some fun things he might like. Sometimes the more thoughtful things can have the most impact, because they show that you really care and love that person. Not that you’re trying to tick boxes and get it over and done with.

Have the kids randomly drawn something they’ve said is their dad? Frame it.
Could the kids get a baking set or something he could do with them on a Saturday morning while you have a cuppa?
Has he got a watch or something he loved but is broken- get it fixed so he can use it again.
I think sometimes mumsnet forgets that life isn’t just about judging people or surviving the day to day. We can also be kind and have fun with things.

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/11/2024 20:29

Crazy! Adults don't need presents.

We buy each other lots of fun things to open on the day - or even dull things like socks and cans of beer - but we disguise it so the person has to guess, and usually has no clue. We don't spend money on 'real' presents - if we want stuff we buy it anyway. Don't most grown ups??

Missingpop · 27/11/2024 19:47

Sorry but not sorry he sounds a right self centred tool, when he’s home tell him your going away with girlfriends/sister/mum for a spa weekend leave him home alone with the kids no meal prep, no shopping done phones off & with no idea as to where you’ve gone let the selfish tool learn life with children doesn’t mean he has to act like one too

Teenyweenytinytrees · 27/11/2024 19:46

He needs to grow up!

Raineys · 27/11/2024 19:39

He sounds like such a juvenile loser.

Middlemarch123 · 27/11/2024 19:26

Bugger this for a game of soldiers OP.
I’d get him a sippy cup and a dummy. Perhaps a rattle if I was feeling generous.

RavenhairedRachel · 27/11/2024 19:21

He sounds very childish

Lostincyberspace · 27/11/2024 19:14

Wow. What a catch! I'd buy a £250 voucher for all the brand shops and tell him to go buy himself something. Or book a lovely family break 😊 so you and your children can enjoy his birthday treat! Good luck,. 👍

Sometimesright · 27/11/2024 19:11

Nespressso · 26/11/2024 09:56

If anyone has any ideas what I can buy him ‘ from the kids’ then please share. He already has mugs, keyrings, bottle opener, a couple of ‘dads shed’ or dad’s office signs.

I know these are all shit but what else do I buy? One of his specific criticisms was I didn’t get him anything from the kids (they are 4&2)

Get him some beer from the kids 😜 if he doesn’t like it next year get him pants!

Reddoorredhandle · 27/11/2024 18:54

Get him a day out for just him and the kids, to spend quality time together and you can spend the day chilling. Paulson park or something. 😂

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 18:40

@JayJayj "rustic" you say? Lovely

JayJayj · 27/11/2024 18:29

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 18:04

@JayJayj That sounds like fancy kindling! who wants a wood picture?
I know her husband sounds like a dick but ... A wooden picture ?!

I do. My husband. It looks so rustic. You do understand that people have different tastes yes? Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean that no one else would!!!

Letmegohome · 27/11/2024 18:04

@JayJayj That sounds like fancy kindling! who wants a wood picture?
I know her husband sounds like a dick but ... A wooden picture ?!

JayJayj · 27/11/2024 17:59

Have you nice photos of him with the kids? You could get them printed into wood. I’ve done that a couple of times from my daughter who is 2. I would be really disappointed if I didn’t get anything from my daughter.

as for the rest he sounds a bit much. Has he always liked making a big fuss?

How about experience gifts instead? Like zoo trip with animal experience something you could do as a family. Or if solo, escape rooms, paintballing. Something a bit different