Mum won't spend Xmas with me

OP, If one of your children (when all grown up) was happy and settled with their own family, and the other was struggling with mental health and would be alone on Christmas, what would you do as their mum? How would you navigate that and who would you prioritise?

I would think you would be proud, and grateful that one of your children was ok, and prioritise the one that isn’t, as they need you the most and don’t have other support (their own family)
You wouldn’t want your child to be sat alone (especially on Christmas Day)

It sucks for the one that’s doing ok, but unfortunately that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

She couldn't leave one of her (adult) children alone to be with her other child who has a husband and 2 kids. That would be really horrible. The only way she could spend it with you is by bringing him. If that can't happen there isn't any other option but for her to spend it with him.

You're married with two kids and you'll have a family Christmas whether your mum's there or not.

Your brother has nobody. It's completely understandable that your mum would choose the child who would otherwise be entirely alone on Christmas Day over the child who will have her husband and children with her.

YABU.

Hes her child

Of course she won't leave him alone with his MH issues on Christmas Day

You have the opportunity to make lovely Christmas memories with your children

Concentrate on that

YANBU to choose who you want to spend Christmas with. However, your DM is also NBU to want to be with her child on Christmas especially if he's going to be alone.

I don't know how your relationship is with your brother. I'm quite close with my brother and would not want him to be by himself for Christmas and vice versa.

It's not petulant, it's years of built up feeling coming to a head. It's years of "getting on with it" while all attention goes on a sibling. It doesn't matter if logically you can see why and know they need the support, it still really hurts that it means there's basically nothing leftover for you. It's ok for op to be sad she's missing out on family support and nice moments with her mum enjoying grandchildren that others probably take for granted. It's a mess of sadness, frustration, resentment and guilt for even having those feelings.

Also, let's face it, when the op's mum needs support as she ages, who do you think will be expected to "get on with it" and do all the practical and emotional supporting there? Because it sure as hell won't be the brother.

Yanbu in deciding to create the space you want for Xmas with your kids but yabu in expecting your dm to leave your brother with mental health issues alone, and you're putting your dm in a difficult position. You won't be alone, as you have LO. I appreciate it's a tough situation but I can totally see your DM point

She is doing the same as you it is not all about you and what you have decided she has to do

I don't think you are being unreasonable if the legal stuff your DB has going on means protecting the safety of your family. Honestly that isn't selfish of you. I've had to stand up for my children with family It's really hard as you want your family but want your children to have that safe space.

Your DM doesnt want her vulnerable (adult) child on his own at Christmas, its the same situation your protecting your children and she is protecting hers. I think sometimes for our own peace of minds we have to concentrate on the reality rather than the what should be and try looking at the situation through the eyes of others and their feelings. It helps as things are not always as they seem.

Compromise may be needed here.

I know she's favoured him which is really hurtful but in this case she's done you a favour. The last thing you need is your brother turning up.

Can you make Boxing Day the day she comes round for a special meal?

so in say 30 years time one of your kids doesnt want to invite the other to something but wants you to come along leaving them alone, what do you do?

YANBU in not inviting your brother but being very unreasonable in relation to your mother - right now she needs to be with your brother.

AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time.

That sounds very petulant.

You're the mother of two - one day you might find yourself similarly torn.

If it was me, I would want my mum to spend the christmas with my vulnerable brother, who is struggling.

Can you do christmas eve or boxing day with her instead? Or if she is loval and will be home at some point thay day you could take your little ones for an hour or two.

Course it's not fair but I'm sure you wouldn't want to trade places with him. You've got your own children to be with. It'd be awful for her to leave him alone. Try to be more understanding and not put pressure on her. She can't be in both places at once and you're genuinely going to be fine without her.

I have almost this exact scenario with my mum. It’s absolutely shit. Brother also in his late thirties still living at home with her. Not much you can do. It does hurt though

A family member with mental health issues changes the whole family dynamic. I understand this because I am in the same dynamic and I know it’s not easy.

Your poor DM has been dealing with and the pain of watching your adult child suffer their whole lives is unbearable.

At the same time you and any siblings have dealt with always having your DB suck up most of the parental attention. That’s not going to change and it’s best to make your peace with it and be thankful that you are doing well

Yes but he's her child!

I understand where you are coming from. Therapy may help grieve the mom you deserve and accept (on your terms) the one you have.

I can understand your resentment and hurt with an upbringing like that, if she was fairer overall I don't think you'd feel like this over her stance for Christmas.

He's still her child. But there is clearly more going on here, and I do feel for you for that. It's not easy being the the one in the family just to have to get on with things. Speak to your mum at a less emotionally-charged time about how you need her, too?

YABU for expecting your mum to leave one of her children alone on Christmas Day.

(As in, why do you want to be so cruel to a vulnerable person?)

I can kind if see your point but I wouldn't leave a fragile child on their own for Christmas.