Mum won't spend Xmas with me

I’m not suggesting her brother is compassionate and kind, as clearly, I’ve never met him.

However, I do think it’s quite selfish to expect your mother to spend Christmas Day with you and leave her vulnerable son alone? Are you aware that suicide & self harm rates increase over the festive period?

No she doesn't, she sounds like a person that has been sidelined her whole life and wants to enjoy a Christmas with her mother for once, perfectly understandable and guess what?
Not everyone with MH issues is lovely and kind! Her brother could be a complete areshole but still gets preferential treatment.

Wow you sound horribly selfish. Why would you want your brother to be left alone on Xmas day?

I worked for years as part of a charity, with siblings of children with severe disabilities and mental health issues. The project was run because siblings often end up feeling sidelined by parents whose time is completely taken up with looking after the sibling.

To this day, it’s hard to see any real answer; it’s natural the parents effort is diverted where they feel it’s needed most (and it’s often fundamental help), but I completely understand the effect on the siblings. It follows to adulthood. Sympathies. OP

You don't have to invite him but it's perfectly reasonable for her to spend Christmas with her son when he is going through a difficult time.

Just concentrate on your children and husband. They are your family now and no one else matters. Enjoy spending time with them and let anyone who doesn't want to be with you jog on.

I have been you with my darling Mum dealing with a brother who had MH issues thanks to smoking weed all his adult years ...but he was unpleasant with it .
I am also the Mother of a son who definitely needs me more so than my other 2 and I worry desperately about him.
He would take priority over the my other lovely children in your situation.
They would understand and not be resentful.
They also really care about their brother because he is a lovely but complicated guy .

The OP hasn't answered the question about what she would do if a similar situation arose with her own adult children. I'm sure her Mum would have a more enjoyable day with her and her children but she is doing what she feels she needs to do.

It depends what the legal issues are, which only you know and you don't need to tell us.
I knew a woman who had a golden man child who was put above his siblings in this way even though his legal issue was abusing his little sister. In that one I understood the sister being pissed off at coming last.

It's very difficult being in your position and I understand your desire to be chosen for a change because no matter how old we get or how well we cope, we would still like to see our mum on Christmas day.

Whenever I go to her with an issue which isn't often she says 'not you too I've only got so much space for this kind of thing.'

That's really shit @rainingitspouring2 I'd feel pissed off too. We all need our mums sometimes. .

Your poor mum. Her Christmas isn't going to be much fun is it? Especially if your brother is unwell or decides to withdraw from the day. It must be very difficult to be duty bound to be there for her son when she could be having a lovely day with you and her grandchildren if that wasn't the case. She must spend so much of her life worrying and compromising her own wishes to do right by him. Try and have a little empathy for her and feel sorry for her she can't be there. And as PP have said, do something nice with her another day. She'll deserve it.

If his legal issues impact the safety of your children such as potential child pornography or abuse then you ABSOLUTELY keep him away. If his issues will not impact your children consider it. If it's more about his stability and if he causes a risk of harm to his self then I would not want him on his own. Without context of the legal issues it's hard to judge.

Be generous. I doubt she truly prefers to spend Christmas Day alone with your troubled brother. She’s doing it so he isn’t alone and is safe. You definitely aren’t alone.

Just ask when she will be available and create a Granny Christmas Tea or Lunch with presents etc.

We only used to have our grandparents around on Boxing day for tea op, and still did all those things, as they brought gifts with them so it just extended the Christmas excitement by another day. Can't you arrange this for your mum to take the pressure off you both?

It doesn't sound like she won't spend Christmas with you.

It sounds like you won't spend Christmas with your brother.

While your reasons are valid, you are forcing her hand, and she is, rightly imo, prioritising her son who has issues, rather than the daughter that is making her choose and is spending Christmas with her husband and children.

I think what people are missing here is that people with mental health problems can still be selfish and awful. It’s very hard when a parent keeps on choosing them over you

Because everyone's been brainwashed into thinking they have tospend 25 Dec with others, whether they want too or not. There are 354 other days of the year.

It is frustrating and unfair, it sucks. You can understand and get why they're doing it, but it still hurts. I've been dealing with this all my life,
Both my siblings have had mental health problems, I've always been the one to look after everyone, support DM. I wouldn't begrudge Christmas day, but the feeling isn't just about that one day. My DM has taken enabling my brother to ridiculous levels and then they both want me to listen while they complain about each other, DB think DM is controlling, DM complains DB isn't grateful, uses her for money and is lazy. I don't engage anymore. I know why DM is doing what she is, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it is what it is unfortunately . We're seeing more of DM currently but only because my DB has taken himself off again until he runs out of money and I know if he turns up again she'll drop us, which stings, especially when it hurts my DC. I know too if DM ever needs care that will fall to me.

I've also been on the other side of it with my 3 DC all having SN and sometimes I think similar to what she said, but it's not aimed at my kids. Sometimes I sigh or say something under my breath, like for gods sake, it slips out and I hate myself for it, but it's aimed at life and God and myself and my useless ex, not my kids. You may find if you could see into her mind and heart that part of this is her regreting not having the capacity for more, I know I regret that and I hate that I can't fix everyone for my kids.

Sounds like mum would spend Christmas with both of you but won't leave one alone at the request of the other. I expect it would be same if he refused to spend Christmas with you.

It is not unreasonable of you to not spend time with him if not safe/sensible for your children. Instead if being annoyed i would plan a Christmassy day with your mum and kids on Christmas eve or boxing day.

“AIBU to think that just because his life has messed up and mine isn't doesn't mean I shouldn't ever have family around me or my children at this time”

This feels like it’s an answer to the wrong question.

My DB has recently gone socially beyond his unpleasant selfish behaviour to the point it can no longer be fobbed off withall the normal golden child excuses.
I have voiced my strong boundaries - that is not my journey, is he thinking about you? Type stuff and finally my mum is getting it but ultimately she will always pick him for time, money, attention.
I think once I got over the disappointment that my children wouldn't be the centre of her world it got better. My kids are really adored by friends, teachers which has grown slowly over the years. Don't force it, it will happen.

@rainingitspouring2 It might not be bro's fault that he has mental health problems but it is bro's fault that he is having legal problems and it is those problems which are worrying OP. You say mum has never spent christmas with your kids? that is a loss which she might live to regret. the golden child will always win, sorry. do you have a friend who also has no one to spend time with? invite them along and make a day of it for the kids. have a good christmas x