Mum expects me to take care of her in old age, I don’t want to AIBU?

Thing is, its easy to say when you are young and fit and able.

My own parents both said that to me, but I know for a fact that when the time comes for my mother, she will fight tooth and nail and lay the emotional bullshit on the line. Not least because, in a lot of cases, by the time care is becoming needed, the person themselves often cant or wont see that and thinks that are coping fine and just need a "bit of a hand now and then". Thats why so many refuse carers despite very obviously needing them.

I have a friend who works in care and she said that by far the easiest service users are the ones who have needed to utilise carers for a spouse or child. The ones who had them for parents were very difficult as they saw their parents as old and ill but themselves as still being ok.

Definitely not unreasonable. I looked after my parents, and even when I really wanted to, the stress nearly killed me. Caregiving is a hard, hard job, and that's when you feel privileged and honoured to do it! You can't possibly take that on, feeling the way you do about your mum.

There's nothing wrong with going into a home. There are perfectly good ones out there.

It might not even happen, anyway. She might not need lots of care. But do have a think about what you'll do if she develops cancer. Both mine had that. She can go into a nursing home, or have carers go to her house. There are prior stages though, where someone can still live independently but needs someone to be with them the first night after a chemo infusion, for example. I haven't read the entire thread, but if you have other family members who could do this for you, and things like going with her to appointments and scans, you could split these things up.

If she DOES get cancer, do NOT be guilted into living with her or having her live with you. It's not necessary. Plenty of people live alone when they have cancer and they generally cobble together lots of help via Macmillan, other visiting nurses, home helps, friends, relatives, etc.

I couldn't ask anyone I love to put their life on hold to be my carer. I want my children to live their lives to the full - have their careers, own families and wonderful experiences, not be tied to the physical and emotional labour involved in caring for an old lady. They can visit me as often as they like and tell me all the great things they've been doing with the lives they never asked for.
YANBU

Of course yanbu - you do not have to be a nurse for your mum, you have your own life.

If you can do so without being emotionally abused further, you can be involved in arranging care visitors etc. Most elderly folk are able to live a long time in their own home with gradually increasing care visits as needed, and some never get to the point where that's insufficient and a care home is needed.

Even if someone has a great relationship with their mum and had a happy childhood, being a full time carer can destroy that relationship and sour all the good memories. Far better to outsource the practical care work and use what emotionally energy you have wherever it is most needed.

"Just to add - I’m currently working on going lower & lower contact with her but when you’ve grown up and this has been your normal and all of a sudden realise as an adult how fucked up that was it’s incredibly hard to just go NC when it’s never been an issue before and many other family members would be greatly affected."

This happened to me too, I didn't realise things were wrong until I'd tried to kill myself and a specialist at the hospital was explaining to me why a whole bunch of things she'd done and said and how I was raised and how I viewed families wasn't normal.

I strongly agree with the mumsnet recommendation of Toxic Parents, it's an incredible book.

I went completely NC and yes it was hard, but having that poison and manipulation for another 20 years would have been harder. Especially as mine was constantly running up debts in my name from addiction related spending. You can do it if you want to. And you certainly shouldn't be going along with her lies or lack of mentioning the truth because it's validating.

Well, I am glad to hear it. But I was manipulated by Social Work. It ended up in me formally cimplaining because I was being told I had to do things I was unable to do by SW saying it was my legal responsibility. I was bursting into tears at work, in hairdressers, at random other times due to SW. My complaint was fully upheld. I am glad you aren't one of those Social Workers who coerce people, but I can only say my experience with SW was that they coerced me and made me ill. I had a 40 year job in financial seevices but have never fully recovered from my experience of Social Work for my father

Oh and should add @AdvicePleaseHelp as the daughter of a mother who totally underplays my childhood abuse to the point where she accuses my sister and I of simply making things up that make her look or feel bad, you have my sympathies.

This thread certainly gives food for thought! We'll all be in that boat one day.

If it comes again, either from her or other family say "I would give you/her the same level of care you/she gave me but sadly that would be abuse and I would end up in prison. So shall we drop this now?"

No! Fuck that. She sounds horrible. I’d feel no guilt either.

Even if she'd been the best mum in the world you shouldn't feel obliged to provide care. People talk about it like its just another act of family love. It really isn't. Its a full time skilled job that takes over your life and is physically and emotionally draining and should never be requested or promised lightly, regardless of the relationship. So whatever your history you would not be unreasonable. If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal of it one way or the other right now as it will lead to upset, drama and her blaming and upsetting you. Which is pointless as theres not even any knowing what the future will bring, and if your mum will even need care. The majority of people don't. So my advice keep off the subject altogether. Focus on the here and now and getting your contact with your mum down to a level you are comfortable with.

i love my parents to bits and they were great parents but I won’t be properly caring for them and they wouldn’t expect me too.

You should have no qualms about saying no!

Some parents are completely lovely but it still isn't possible for their adult children to care for them. I am hoping I will be able to do so for my wonderful parents but I also accept that elderly care can be a job best left to professionals, depending on the specifics.

In your case, not a hope should you have to do it.

Go NC @AdvicePleaseHelp your future self will thank you for it. Then go get the therapy. It will work so much better when the cause of it is no longer causing new trauma/guilt.

You owe her nothing. You owe yourself everything.

You take exactly the same amount of care of her as she took of you - which sounds like virtually none at all.

You don't owe her anything. She hasn't exactly earned it has she?

I’ve already told my kids, don’t any of you be giving up careers to care for me, ill be happy in a home as long as I get regular cups of tea and people to chat to. For their dad might be harder, as in his culture you don’t put your elderly relative in a home. Though for ex MIL not sure who would look after her given she’s burned her bridges with al her DIL’s. I’m the only one she’s never fell out with or been rude to, but sorry but nope, not my problem!

I would agree. My father had an expectation after neglecting me in childhood then ignoring me for many years that it was my duty to "care for him". And I did. I should have just resisted but it was difficult as a 60s baby brought up to "do" for others. Meanwhile, I made sacrifices so my DC were first in family to go to Uni and both are professionals. The last thing I would ever want is them to be forced into a care role. I want them to have a good life.

You're definitely not unreasonable OP and you need to do whatever it takes to protect your own mental wellbeing and if that means being no contact then that's what you need to do.

And I can't speak for other local councils but I work in Older adults social work and there's certainly no manipulation of getting family members into taking on caring roles they either are unable to or don't want to. We understand family relationships are complex and I work with many people who are estranged from children. Certainly from my own professional stand point, I'd never look to meddle in family relationships or force people who had traumatic and complex relationships with their parents into maintaining contact or being involved where they don't want to be. I can't speak for everyone but not of all of us are manipulating bullies!

Yes. My own mum is the loveliest loveliest person and she says to me she wouldn't want me or my sister to look after her, she wouldn't want to put that on us. But she is wonderful and has given us so much, we would want to give back to her. But the opposite seems to be true as well, bad parents feel they are owed care somehow when they never gave it themselves.

Live your life OP, you don't owe anything and your care cannot be demanded or taken for granted. Well, it can be demanded but that doesn't mean you have to give it

Right. I became a strong woman after my neglectful childhood but still got coerced into care for my father. Just so you know and can guard against in case it comes to it and you don't want to do it.

Does my head in when old people say "don't put me in a home" or similarly, adult children say "Oh I love my mum, I'd NEVER put her in a home".

Quite simply, you have no idea what is around the corner. I "put my dad in a home" not because he was a shit father and I didn't love him, he was a brilliant dad and we all loved him a lot. But caring for someone is a full time job, especially someone who has dementia, is confused, frightened and paranoid, up all night, can't dress themselves or remember to eat.

It is not unreasonable to say that you are not up for that level of caring, whatever the relationship you have with the parent.

YANBU. Sorry can't vote on my mobile. I've have actually gone Nc with my mum this year. I know that's drastic but I wish I had done it years ago. Beginning of 2023 my step dad was very poorly and I was in the hospital with him daily morning till midnight. They didn't know what was wrong with him. One thought was cancer but his organs seem to be shutting down. I had a panic thinking I could never look after my mum. She was hell as a child. It's all very much like your relationship with your mum. She thinks she was a perfect parent and tells everyone that. But most know. I didn't cut contact with her for that reason. She turned on my eldest daughter and the timing was just right. I'd had enough and I was done. My step dad obviously got better after the right treatment and he's now back being her slave. I have a step brother and it's his turn. I can't do it and I won't do it. I'm sure if my step dad goes before her which is likely as he's 10 years older then family will put pressure on me but I would rather chew my foot off than step back foot in that house again. So please think about what your future would be like. If I had a lovely mum then no chance would she go into a home and I would think it's just the natural way in life and enjoy her final years etc etc. But not this woman. No way. Sorry for the long reply! Xxxxx

Narcissism I guess - they literally think they should be the centre of everyone's world and can't see the faults in their behaviour.

@Kendodd

Because they are selfish and only ever think about themselves . They are hugely self unaware . Good parents don't want to burden their children with their care needs and make provision .

Yes, I love my kids and they love me but if/when the time comes, they can put me in a home, I don't expect either of them to give up their life for me.