Mum expects me to take care of her in old age, I don’t want to AIBU?

So do their personalities change then, and go from not wanting care to expecting it? Because I have heard from friends that reasonable parents have this with dementia or just very old age.

You have your own life to lead. Children don't owe their parents to care for them.

Unfortunately dementia comes along though. And all of a sudden, entirely sensible people retreat into a child like state where they expect their daughters to take care of them (presumably this does also happen with sons). It's an utter nightmare and the problem is, you aren't prepared for it because you never had it on the agenda.

Mine aren't grown up yet but I'd rather they lived their own lives then looked after me too. I'll probably have to fight convincing my DD though.

Same. If I can no longer care for myself I'd expect to go to live in a care home.

I won't be doing it either, OP. My childhood was also pretty difficult - my parents already stole my childhood. I'm not giving them any more of my life. Father was a vile bully (domestic violence, drug use and coercive control). I was NC with him from my late teens until he died. I'm LC with my mother and have been for a long time. She wasn't awful in the way that he was, but in adulthood it's became apparent to me that she wasn't a good parent either, very self-involved, using me to fix problems she didn't want to deal with and emotionally prop her up. A few months ago we were talking about my childhood and I told her that my plan had been to get through school, go to uni and then basically cut contact with them and disappear. She was utterly shocked. I couldn't believe that she'd thought I would put up with that shit for the rest of my life. Or, more likely, that she'd never thought about me at all beyond when she wanted something from me. But you can't give someone a horrendous childhood and expect to have a good adult relationship with them.

The person who needs the most convincing will be you. Once you've made that decision and come to terms with it, it will be much easier to say no to any external parties who may expect you to do it further down the line.

I also recommend therapy (I've recently had a long spell of CBT to thrash this out). Just having someone to talk to freely, who is unconnected to the situation and doesn't have their own agenda, has been really helpful.

My dh and adult kids know I don't want to be cared for by them. I have a chronic condition that as soon as it or anything else starts to impact my life that that I am going to kill myself before things become difficult.
Dh and kids know this and I have the means for a peaceful demise. I am probably being selfish but it would be selfish to rely on others when I am going senile or doubly incontinent.

My mother was extremely difficult to live with when I was growing up. As the oldest child, I got the worst of it and, as the oldest child, I know I am the one she will want to be most involved when she can no longer look after herself. I don't think she expects to live with me but if she does, she will be disappointed. But I won't discuss it until necessary.
We're not actually low contact. We live 3 hours away from each other but I speak to her on the phone at the same time every week. And although that's not actually LC, we are low contact in my head. I natter on to her about her life, the lives of her neighbours, the news etc. She barely ever asks me about my life and, if she does, I give minimum information and change the subject. I really don't think she even notices. I think in her mind, we're close.
By speaking to her at the same time every week, I manage my own feelings about contact and she takes up very little room in my mind anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And I am pretty indifferent these days. I will be genuinely curious to see if I feel grief when she dies. I suspect I won't.

My dh (we dont live together) moved his elderly mum into his house a few years ago....she is now chair and bed bound and he is heading for a heart attack...dont do it !!!

There are definitely a lot of threads like this. Neglectful/abusive parents who expect to be looked after by their children in old age.

There is often the dynamic of the 'golden child' who doesn't need to do anything for their parents but where the expectations of care are all on the 'scapegoat' child.

I don't think anyone should be obliged to be a hands-on carer for their elderly parents, even if their childhood was happy, but to expect your children to care for you in old age when you have given them a dreadful childhood is deluded. It is just another way to continue the abuse in my opinion.

It was made very clear to me,while growing up,I was the only girl and I was to provide care when the time comes

I had a similar upbringing-im convinced my darling grandad (who brought me up,saved me)

He died and it was always the expectation I would take on any care for them both when the time came

They've had a shock when I said I was going to contact

They've not bothered to ask why or make things better (in fact they td me in a fit of temper that im nothing more than a common slut and a bad daughter) so I've stuck to it and moved over 140 miles away

My brothers,who joined in in the bullying of me ('its only a laugh innit?') are starting to get worried-if I'm not around to do their care,who will be without costing them a fortune?

(After all,they don't want to be dipping into their inheritance-it was made clear that women dont deserve to inherit anything,so i would never get a penny-not the point as i dont want it,but in their eyes women are free labour and nothing more than arse wipers)

It can be one of their wives or girlfriends-more fool them if they do-my brothers will show up enough to be the caring sons,but they won't ever get their own hands dirty

All I know is,it won't be me and I will go to my own grave having never lifted a finger for them (and I don't expect any care from my own adult dc)

(My mil,I'd do her care and more,she's treated me as her own dd from day one and we utterly adore her)

Did you mean to type that or was that a typo? Surely if your siblings are aware that if they choose to look after her you will not be helping because you wouldn't be helping anyway, even if they decide to.

Just wondering one other thing OP - are you the only daughter/sister in the family and are your siblings all male?

I have a pretty dreadful relationship with my 91 yr old father and loathe having anything to do with him. I'm as LC as possible, totally understand you OP, I don't be getting involved in his care although would make appropriate phone calls as he's all alone in the world (funnily enough....)

I don’t want my kids to look after me in my old age. My biggest wish for them is to lead healthy, happy and fulfilled lives, not become my carer. I would like to be visited, but not cared for.

Even if your mum hadn’t been such a terrible mum, I’d tell you not to become her carer in old age, unless you desperately wanted to. I’ve done that for my mum and my grandparent and it’s all consuming and really hard.

I suspect this is because the abusive ones are often narcissists.

My mother is an utter bitch. She allowed pedos to abuse myself and my sister, when she found out what was happening to me she was more concerned about having a pregnant 13yr old than stopping the abuse so she put me on the pill.

That was the worst in a long list of neglect and abuse.

She thinks she was a wonderful mother.

I hate her and have had no contact for many years now. She has no idea what country I'm in even.

Before I went NC she told me she expected me to financially support her. My answer was a firm NO.

She now lives alone in poverty, she's always been horrible with money and she's so nasty she drives friends and family away.

The only upside of having an abusive parent is you get to drive the Karma Bus. I have a clear conscience in being NC and refusing to have anything whatsoever to do with her. She will die alone due to her life choices and she is not my responsibility.

For all of us with abusive narcissistic parents I recommend the concept of reciprocity. They deserve no more than what they gave us, which is nothing.

OP, I spent years caring for a different family member, mostly out of guilt and worry (it was mental health and alcohol related).

You're doing well in realising you don't have to do this (unlike myself). Stand firm, like PP says.

Stand firm OP.

I agree. It's because I love my grandmother that I wanted her to move to a care home, and long before it happened.

Before dementia, she was caring, generous, fun and loving and we had a very close relationship. In her own home, she wasn't safe or happy, and her high care needs, dementia behaviour, and constant crisis were damaging her relationships.

In the care home, the carers are trained and experienced. She's settled there, and family are visitors rather than carers. And I, as her POA and next of kin, can live a life outside of it (although I still need to do a lot especially when she has a health scare etc). It's much better for everyone.

Now she's on end of life care and I am so glad it's happening in the CH where she is well looked after, settled, medication available, etc. I can spend time with her, but don't have to dress bedsores, do PC, move her, etc. I can just sit with her.

We lost six or seven years caring for my FIL who lived his whole life as a self-indulgent and manipulative child.
Our reason for doing so was that we didn't want to feel that we hadn't lived up to our values and strong sense of family.
My advice to potential carers is that any boundaries need to be outlined at the outset - doctors, social workers etc only want a single name, email and number. If possible - if there are several family members - suggest an irregular time period, ten days or three weeks each, if you do a whole month, the rest of the family will have disappeared by the end of it.
As it was, we still felt guilty (for nothing) and spent thousands making his sheltered housing flat fit for habitation.

No No No YANBU

I remember my mother clutching my hand and through tears saying she was going to need me now to lean on and help look after her as she couldn’t rely on “the boys” at my DFs funeral. I walked away after and said to one SIL one of “ the boys” wifes it wasn’t going to fucking happen! Her precious golden boys could look after her, I was never ever good enough at anything else in my life according to her so there is absolutely no fucking way I was taking her on after my DF died.

There is a lot lot more but after my DF died I actually couldn’t take it, I’d only resumed contact after several years NC because I wanted my DCs to know my Dad even if he was her biggest enabler, I couldn’t face that at the time and still wanted a relationship with him. After he’d gone I lasted 12 months almost to the day to go fully NC and haven’t looked back.

I feel no guilt which is very strange when you’re brought up to feel in the wrong about everything in your life. I just feel relife she isn’t my problem. Family that have a problem with that can deal with it, I don’t want to know what they think, they didn't have my life.

The golden child fled the country a few years ago so I don’t think will be around to wipe her arse and the other “boy” still feels a sense of duty but absolutely would not have her under his roof, it will be a home or nothing. Given she’s not got a pot to piss in I suspect she will put up with him paying for a home.

Yes but I am sure you also cant imagine having early stage dementia, where the world is now a scary place that you dont recognise or understand.. Where people you know and love are suddenly not as familiar anymore and where the kids you love are saying that you need to uproot from the one last thing you have that makes you feel safe, your home, and live in a new place with complete strangers.

Thats the reality of ageing with cognitive decline.

I complete agree that the OP should say no to her mother, but I am simply pointing out that saying, when you are not elderly or suffering with illness or dementia, that you dont want your kids to care for you is very easy but there is a very good chance you wont always feel that way.

YANBU at all

Yeah, I can't imagine expecting my kids to take care of me.