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Original poster

To be so upset and triggered at ex living mile and half down the road

35 replies

Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 14:12

As above, his flat is on my route into town. I don't have to go past there everyday but when I do I start getting anxious and upset. Difficult relationship through hardly any fault of my own. He's now with somebody else. I feel like I want to move away but I own my home and have only been living there 2 years in Jan. Too much happened and I have struggled to get past him just discarding me. Not to mention he cheated on his new gf with me in August and has flat out denied it. Trying to move on but there's too much trauma and too many bad memories.

OP posts:
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ChristmasCheesecake · 26/11/2024 12:11

It’s irrelevant when it ended anyway. He lives in that area with his GF and so, with respect, you just have to suck it up.

Original poster
Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 21:06

redalex261 · 25/11/2024 19:33

A mile and a half is not close, unless you live at the end of a VERY long country lane and his house is the closest one to you!

I get your relationship ended badly but it ended at least 22 months ago (based on you moving to current home Jan 2023) so there is a reasonable distance there. Whatever happened that led to having sex with him in August was a very bad idea, presumably it was followed with you/someone else informing his GF, him denying it and GF believing him which was again very hurtful (again taken from content of your original post).

Try to go an alternative route if possible. If not, go straight past as quickly as you can; don’t look at the property just get past it, try focussing on something else. Do not, whatever you do, try to get a look in windows, see him/her coming or going, at best it will slow your moving on from the relationship and at worst you could conceivably be accused of stalking-type behaviour, especially if you were the one to tell GF about the cheating in August.

Without wanting to jump to insane conclusions in the style of @WitchesLadder I do sort of get the impression you didn’t want to break up with this man in the first place and perhaps you’d hoped he would bin his GF and return to you after your “interlude” in August. Instead he’s rebuffed and hurt you again and probably made you out to be a liar into the bargain. Do what you can to put this behind you, speak to a friend or counsellor, don’t listen to any updates about them or check any social media if you’ve been doing that kind of stuff. You will feel better if you let this go and don’t ruminate on it.

I think you're the one jumping to conclusions .. my relationship only ended earlier this year.

OP posts:
redalex261 · 25/11/2024 19:33

A mile and a half is not close, unless you live at the end of a VERY long country lane and his house is the closest one to you!

I get your relationship ended badly but it ended at least 22 months ago (based on you moving to current home Jan 2023) so there is a reasonable distance there. Whatever happened that led to having sex with him in August was a very bad idea, presumably it was followed with you/someone else informing his GF, him denying it and GF believing him which was again very hurtful (again taken from content of your original post).

Try to go an alternative route if possible. If not, go straight past as quickly as you can; don’t look at the property just get past it, try focussing on something else. Do not, whatever you do, try to get a look in windows, see him/her coming or going, at best it will slow your moving on from the relationship and at worst you could conceivably be accused of stalking-type behaviour, especially if you were the one to tell GF about the cheating in August.

Without wanting to jump to insane conclusions in the style of @WitchesLadder I do sort of get the impression you didn’t want to break up with this man in the first place and perhaps you’d hoped he would bin his GF and return to you after your “interlude” in August. Instead he’s rebuffed and hurt you again and probably made you out to be a liar into the bargain. Do what you can to put this behind you, speak to a friend or counsellor, don’t listen to any updates about them or check any social media if you’ve been doing that kind of stuff. You will feel better if you let this go and don’t ruminate on it.

Blueeyedmale · 25/11/2024 19:07

OP if you were physically or emotionally abused I could totally understand the trigger but there is no indication in your post to say that this was ever a factor.you slept with him after he left you and was involved in a relationship imagine how she would feel living so close to someone if she found out,not saying that to be nasty but it sounds like it might have been a case of maybe it you slept with him he would come back.

Maybe look at counselling or therapy to discuss things rather than running from the issue.but you now know what he's like but sadly the other woman will probably suffer the same fate.

SalsaLights · 25/11/2024 18:58

Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 18:52

Thanks for majority of messages.. tbh I'm not helping myself whatsoever. I really need a kick up the arse. It was the way that they got together that upset me the most, as well as the time and effort I put into our relationship. I just feel hurt, betrayed and lied to and it hasn't half messed with my self-esteem. I do think im gonna have to avoid his area for the time being even though it's a bit of an inconvenience to have to go all the way round the world to get where I need to go.. just for my own mental health. Hopefully in time this anxiety fades.

It will do. I mean this as nicely and gently as possible, but try not to pathologise it. Breakups are shit, it's a common thing to go through. Some of them are unbelievably distressing and cause serious trauma, but the majority - and particularly where it's a short relationship, - should not.

Instead of thinking about mental health impacts and anxiety, try and acknowledge it as a common thing that lots of people go through, which is unpleasant and upsetting whilst it's fresh, but that it won't last and the feelings will fade.

Framing it this way can help keep it in perspective and stop it becoming bigger in your mind than it needs to be. If avoiding that area for the moment is helpful, then do. But don't avoid it forever.

Original poster
Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 18:52

Thanks for majority of messages.. tbh I'm not helping myself whatsoever. I really need a kick up the arse. It was the way that they got together that upset me the most, as well as the time and effort I put into our relationship. I just feel hurt, betrayed and lied to and it hasn't half messed with my self-esteem. I do think im gonna have to avoid his area for the time being even though it's a bit of an inconvenience to have to go all the way round the world to get where I need to go.. just for my own mental health. Hopefully in time this anxiety fades.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 25/11/2024 16:24

Relationships end, it's part and parcel of life. Yes, it's shitty that he discarded you and decided he no longer wanted to date you. However, you haven't helped yourself by having sex with him back in August, when you knew he had a new girlfriend. He took an opportunity that presented itself, and probably knew you wouldn't say no, because he knows you are still mooning over him. Of course he went back to his girlfriend and denies it never happened. As far as he's concerned it was just sex, he had no intention of coming back to you. If that's what you thought, then you were naive. This man is an arse, he's not worth the headspace or bother and most certainly isn't a nice bloke. He's used you, and you let him. I would suggest you seek some counselling, because you need to drag yourself out of this current mindset. You can't pick and choose where he lives and considering moving yourself is crazy. Unless there is a backstory here of abusive behaviour, then your reaction to having to walk past his new home, is a massive over reaction.

holju · 25/11/2024 16:01

YANBU to be still upset about a relatively recent relationship, especially one that was difficult. Have you got any friends you could spend some time with and get a bit of this off your chest? Going past his house will get easier with time.

needsomewarmsunshine · 25/11/2024 15:55

You really do need to get a grip on this and move on with your life. You slept with him in august through choice and he went back to his new gf. He really isn't a catch for any woman. You had a fortunate escape.
He doesn't want to be with you, it's hard, but you will get over it because you have to. Relationships break up every hour of the day everywhere. People can't afford to mope and get upset long term.

RubyHiker · 25/11/2024 15:55

looking at OP's previous posts you clearly have issues with poor mental health so when I say this I truely don't mean this to sound unkind.

But this is a you issue. You are overthinking and wasting time and energy worrying about something minimal. You need to find a healthier focus in your life or you will just continue to drag yourself down and make yourself unhappy,

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 25/11/2024 15:51

WitchesLadder · 25/11/2024 14:37

So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to feel this way, ESPECIALLY as you were still involved with this man as recently as 3 months ago. Even though you now can clearly see him as the toxic person he is, 3 months would be far too soon to expect yourself to have fully got over the pain he put you through.

Unfortunately, practically, there’s nothing you can do to avoid running into him as he lives so close by, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to move now that you are settled in your new home. And, if your ex IS a narcissist, then I strongly suspect he deliberately moved somewhere to be close to you in order to cause you further distress and to rub his new relationship in your face!

If you can’t move away, the only thing you can do is seek healing from the relationship with your ex, through seeking therapy if you can afford it, and/or reading books about healing from narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani has written a great book called It’s Not You, and she has also made lots of free YouTube videos AND runs an online support community for people who are being or have been abused by narcissistic people, and I thoroughly recommend her.

If you have supportive healthy friendships, also focus on those.

And when you inevitably run into your ex, do your best to pretend you haven’t noticed him or appear indifferent. People like him crave getting any reaction from their victims. You can break down in tears you are safely home, but try your best not to let him see he is triggering you. ❤️

It’s a horrendous and difficult process, but it will slowly get easier with time and healing.

Blimey, you got a lot from seven lines of OP there, @WitchesLadder ... ! 😂

JustinThyme · 25/11/2024 15:46

Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 15:41

It's genuinely just down the road and it's a route I take fairly regularly if I need to.

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But so what? You aren't having to stop and pay a toll at his house, you are literally passing by. You are making a big fuss over something it's in your power to banish.

He left you. That hurts. You foolishly shagged him again while he was seeing someone else. That probably also hurts but was self-inflicted. Now you don't have to have anything to do with him.

Seeing his front door or noticing whether his curtains are open or closed only 'triggers' you if you are dwelling on it. Most people don't even notice where their exes live because it no longer is their concern.

Original poster
Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 15:41

x2boys · 25/11/2024 15:39

It's not even round the corner it's a mile and a half quite far really .

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It's genuinely just down the road and it's a route I take fairly regularly if I need to.

OP posts:
x2boys · 25/11/2024 15:39

ChristmasCheesecake · 25/11/2024 15:21

You’ve diagnosed him as a narcissist and emotionally abusive because he’s moved in round the corner from his ex and also slept with her whilst with the new GF? What? Bit of a leap there 😏

Edited
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It's not even round the corner it's a mile and a half quite far really .

Original poster
Overthinker2022 · 25/11/2024 15:37

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 25/11/2024 15:17

“Triggered” is another word which is overused on MN.

People have relationships which end. Such is life. Clearly you weren’t triggered enough to shag him in August, so why now?

Or is it that you in fact hoped he would come back to you and then he didn’t.

I think passive aggressive responses are also overused on MN. Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
ChristmasCheesecake · 25/11/2024 15:32

tuvamoodyson · 25/11/2024 15:27

Where are you getting all this from? You’ve made that entire thing up in your head!

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I wonder if it’s Dr Ramani trying to drum up sales for her book 🤣😂😆

tuvamoodyson · 25/11/2024 15:27

WitchesLadder · 25/11/2024 14:37

So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to feel this way, ESPECIALLY as you were still involved with this man as recently as 3 months ago. Even though you now can clearly see him as the toxic person he is, 3 months would be far too soon to expect yourself to have fully got over the pain he put you through.

Unfortunately, practically, there’s nothing you can do to avoid running into him as he lives so close by, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to move now that you are settled in your new home. And, if your ex IS a narcissist, then I strongly suspect he deliberately moved somewhere to be close to you in order to cause you further distress and to rub his new relationship in your face!

If you can’t move away, the only thing you can do is seek healing from the relationship with your ex, through seeking therapy if you can afford it, and/or reading books about healing from narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani has written a great book called It’s Not You, and she has also made lots of free YouTube videos AND runs an online support community for people who are being or have been abused by narcissistic people, and I thoroughly recommend her.

If you have supportive healthy friendships, also focus on those.

And when you inevitably run into your ex, do your best to pretend you haven’t noticed him or appear indifferent. People like him crave getting any reaction from their victims. You can break down in tears you are safely home, but try your best not to let him see he is triggering you. ❤️

It’s a horrendous and difficult process, but it will slowly get easier with time and healing.

Where are you getting all this from? You’ve made that entire thing up in your head!

ChristmasCheesecake · 25/11/2024 15:21

WitchesLadder · 25/11/2024 14:37

So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to feel this way, ESPECIALLY as you were still involved with this man as recently as 3 months ago. Even though you now can clearly see him as the toxic person he is, 3 months would be far too soon to expect yourself to have fully got over the pain he put you through.

Unfortunately, practically, there’s nothing you can do to avoid running into him as he lives so close by, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to move now that you are settled in your new home. And, if your ex IS a narcissist, then I strongly suspect he deliberately moved somewhere to be close to you in order to cause you further distress and to rub his new relationship in your face!

If you can’t move away, the only thing you can do is seek healing from the relationship with your ex, through seeking therapy if you can afford it, and/or reading books about healing from narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani has written a great book called It’s Not You, and she has also made lots of free YouTube videos AND runs an online support community for people who are being or have been abused by narcissistic people, and I thoroughly recommend her.

If you have supportive healthy friendships, also focus on those.

And when you inevitably run into your ex, do your best to pretend you haven’t noticed him or appear indifferent. People like him crave getting any reaction from their victims. You can break down in tears you are safely home, but try your best not to let him see he is triggering you. ❤️

It’s a horrendous and difficult process, but it will slowly get easier with time and healing.

You’ve diagnosed him as a narcissist and emotionally abusive because he’s moved in round the corner from his ex and also slept with her whilst with the new GF? What? Bit of a leap there 😏

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 25/11/2024 15:17

“Triggered” is another word which is overused on MN.

People have relationships which end. Such is life. Clearly you weren’t triggered enough to shag him in August, so why now?

Or is it that you in fact hoped he would come back to you and then he didn’t.

StormingNorman · 25/11/2024 15:15

Did you think having sex would bring him back to you? Is this why you are surprised and upset that he denied it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/11/2024 15:10

He didn’t make you shag him while he was in a relationship with someone else and he doesn’t make you drive past his flat. Work on taking some ownership of your actions and gaining some perspective. He’s not going to move and you can decide to move on and detach from the past.

StormingNorman · 25/11/2024 15:06

WitchesLadder · 25/11/2024 14:37

So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to feel this way, ESPECIALLY as you were still involved with this man as recently as 3 months ago. Even though you now can clearly see him as the toxic person he is, 3 months would be far too soon to expect yourself to have fully got over the pain he put you through.

Unfortunately, practically, there’s nothing you can do to avoid running into him as he lives so close by, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to move now that you are settled in your new home. And, if your ex IS a narcissist, then I strongly suspect he deliberately moved somewhere to be close to you in order to cause you further distress and to rub his new relationship in your face!

If you can’t move away, the only thing you can do is seek healing from the relationship with your ex, through seeking therapy if you can afford it, and/or reading books about healing from narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani has written a great book called It’s Not You, and she has also made lots of free YouTube videos AND runs an online support community for people who are being or have been abused by narcissistic people, and I thoroughly recommend her.

If you have supportive healthy friendships, also focus on those.

And when you inevitably run into your ex, do your best to pretend you haven’t noticed him or appear indifferent. People like him crave getting any reaction from their victims. You can break down in tears you are safely home, but try your best not to let him see he is triggering you. ❤️

It’s a horrendous and difficult process, but it will slowly get easier with time and healing.

You are massively projecting. There is nothing in the OP that would lead to an assumption of narcissism or emotional abuse.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, but it’s not helpful to escalate a very ordinary situation.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 25/11/2024 15:01

A mile and a half in London is life a while different world!
OP if you date people from the same town as you, they are likely to still live in the vicinity when you split up. Choose a different route into town if it upsets you and consider the triple R programme, it's available online and might help you move on from this relationship.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 25/11/2024 15:01

@WitchesLadder what? How on earth did you equate this to domestic abuse?? So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist
And a narcissist?! Seriously?

Cavalierchaos · 25/11/2024 14:57

My ex moved into a flat about a 3 minute walk from my house, on the route into town. I always thought, how dare he! It was such a traumatic break up for me. Luckily, I never saw him.