Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

OP, you having relatives all over the US and using Facebook to keep in touch with them shouldn’t mean anything to this lady. It is completely irrelevant to what she posts on Facebook

Exactly! The OP communicates with his extended family via FB - ergo, his girlfriend should do the same - or at least post pictures for the OP's family to look at.

I mean WTF?

@StormingNorman No not because he is a man, because he isn't listening and tbh bring pretty weird about the whole situation has a "poor me" attitude and if ppl don't agree they are being "mean & hurtful"

Four years is still a very fresh loss for such a close relationship as a DH, especially if she was married for a long time. It sounds like she's trying to move on with dating and so on, but that probably brings up very complex feelings for her.

I really don't like the comment you made that you might be wasting your time dating a widow. If you are dating a widow, you have to accept this is part of them and her DH will always be part of her. He's always going to be with her, in a sense. People do go on to new relationships as widows, but you can't expect them to forget their past. Dating in your later 50s, people are going to have pasts and baggage. Either you have to accept the whole person or not date them.

You are getting some unnecessary criticism here because you’re a man, so I’ll tell you the same as I’d tell another woman.

In your first post you said: “I just wanna make sure she wants a relationship and not just someone to date”.

She almost certainly isn’t looking for a committed relationship. She wants companionship and someone to have fun with. Four years and eleven men since her late husband died and she still chooses him for her profile picture.

You are wasting your time pursuing a relationship with her if you want more than casual dating. She may develop stronger feelings in time, but it will probably take longer than you’re willing to give it. I get the sense you are ready now to take the next step and she could easily take another year or four to get to that stage.

I’m not a widow, but a very dear friend of mine is. Her profile picture on her SM is her late husband. She has been in a loving, exclusive relationship with a lovely gentleman for about three years now. She just started posting about him in the last few months. She still posts things about her late husband being the love of her life and her new gentlemen makes supportive comments on her posts. Her late husband was a widower and his wedding picture with his late wife still holds a place of honor in her home, next to her wedding picture with him.

I believe that when you have a relationship with a widow/widower, you have to be willing to share them with the memories of their late spouse. You can’t try to erase that person’s existence.

OP, you having relatives all over the US and using Facebook to keep in touch with them shouldn’t mean anything to this lady. It is completely irrelevant to what she posts on Facebook. Are your friends and family complaining that she uses a picture with her late husband as her profile? I can’t see how that would be the least bit relevant to them or you. If this is the issue and you actually care about this lady and want a future with her, then you need to tell them to mind their own business. You need to be prepared to support her feelings over their opinions.

Maybe she doesn't use Fb much

My friend goes on it. Rarely posts stuff

Might do odd reply on my posts

Her children know about you

You have stayed in their old marital home with kids /adults there

I‘m dating a widower, he doesn’t have his late wife on his profile pic but his fb information mentions being widower to her.
we aren’t friends on fb and I couldn’t care less. I don’t want to flaunt my relationship publicly or with Facebook friends and acquaintances, why would I need to?
his close friends and family know and have met me and vice versa for mine.

The more I read of the OP the more scared I am for this woman.

OP you don't sound stable enough in yourself to be dating anyone, you are talking like an obsessed 14-16 year old who hasn't learned emotional regulation and boundaries yet not a divorced 50+ adult.

What your saying is insecure, jealous, controlling and creepy... almost stalker-is and that doesn't change if you are or aren't dating, you genuinely coming across scary.

I can't believe you're late 50s.

This is the sort of angst reserved for lads of 16 who are starting to date.

The way they ask' Does she like me, will it last, am I wasting my time'.

Are you scared of being hurt?
That's part and parcel of dating and new relationships. Everyone takes a chance.
If you don't like that or can't cope with it, don't date.

Sorry.

@NewmanintownRob you keep saying you're not bothered about FB and then you write:

.........she has no mention of me or picture of me or anything else

I think this is quite intense for only having dated for a couple of months to be very honest.

I think if you really like her and care about her you need to step back a little and just accept this for what it is - focus on enjoying the time you have with her rather than rushing ahead in your own mind. If you're enjoying her company and things are going well between you then you aren't wasting your time.

4 years isn't that long really to be over a dead spouse - I've had breakups that took me longer to get over! What might have been right for your family isn't necessarily what's felt right for her and there's a big difference between wanting to move on and being ready to move on. She might need to go at a slower pace than you but that doesn't mean she's not invested. She also has her children to think about and how they might feel about her moving on. I think if you can't accept that their feelings will be the priority here over yours then you're probably not the right person for her.

The things you've mentioned wanting from her - to change her profile/ add you/ visit your workplace are also quite trivial things... many relationships last years without people doing any of those so I find them a bit random and it's making me wonder if your expectations of her in general are a bit too high or if you're fixated on the fact she's a widow and looking for signs that she might get cold feet where you wouldn't normally.

I think you either accept her for who she is and where she is at (essential in ANY healthy relationship) or you walk away and date other people. Your posts are coming across a little manipulative/ controlling/ needy and I think you need to reflect on that.

........................wondering if I am wasting my time on a widow that could simply live her life out and since she has no mention of me or picture of me or anything else

Yes, it's always a waste of time to date a widow FFS

One little thing, I’m out - and she’s dating someone else the next day

Why shouldn't she date someone else?

I am not insecure

Erm.............🤣🤣🤣

I think some of the posts on this thread are hateful and mean

Well that's a shame

This is getting silly.
You've spent hours saying you want to know her feelings for you.
Then suddenly you've said you don't want to know (now.)

Which is it?

Grown ups don't define their relationships by photos on Facebook.
If you want to contact your friends in the US through Facebook that's your choice.

She doesn't use Facebook (much) so that really is the end of the matter.
You don't need evidence of her (form a photo) to inform your many friends that you're dating.

And the fact that she's not announcing your dates on Facebook doesn't mean she is dating other men (and keeping you all a secret from each other.)

Honestly, you do sound very confused.

Are you in the US or from the US?

In your own words, you have been seeing her "a few months" and see each other a few times a week.
Yet you are coming across as desperate to get married, if not to her then to someone else, and you don't want to waste any time.

Are you desperate for a wife? Why are you not happy living as a single man?

Nothing is more unattractive to most women than a man who is needy and cannot stand on his own two feet and live his own life independently.

But if you like her as much as you say you do ( I don't actually think you do ) and are enjoying the time spent with her why do you consider that wasting your time?

If you aren't happy with the progress or how she chooses to handle her own social media without your input then you are free to finish things, stop trying to find ways to manipulate or monitor this woman.

FFS I've just read some more of the thread and honestly, if you think seeing this woman several times a week and staying at her place is "just wasting your time" then you should probably just leave the poor woman alone. It sounds like you're hell bent on a FB profile defining your relationship and giving you some sort of sign that she's committed to you, and overlooking everything that she is giving you. Your posts are rapidly gaining momentum in waving red flags

Why don't you just ask her instead of trying to infer all of this from her FB profile photo? You're hardly silly teenagers, surely this is an entirely straightforward conversation to have?

It’s amazing you know; Because if a woman posted and said the guy she was seeing still had a picture of him and his deceased wife as his fb profile pic, everyone would be telling her to run

What’s with all this scheming and planning and focussing? You implied things were going well but you wanted to take it up to the next level and ask her to change the photo. People said ‘woah there cowboy’ Don’t start with the game playing. Things were going well, just continue doing that for a while surely?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'm sure it will naturally be replaced when she is ready to move on, whether that's next week. Next month or never

Women telling you that you are moving too fast, is not being hateful or mean. There is a real underlying arrogance to your posts, you know you aren’t moving too fast, you use FB to keep in touch with your family and friends and therefore FB needs to be important to everyone, you think that she’s wasting your time like your God’s gift. You’ve said it’s not about FB but then it is about FB. But let’s be honest, it boils down to you don’t like being told no by women. In which case, I hope this woman doesn’t move forward in the relationship with you.

OP, please don't pay attention to any of these responses. It's a common theme on MN that if the post is made by a man, they get attacked by default.