Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

I have no idea whether your relationship has legs, but I'm puzzled by your preoccupation with her Facebook photo. You say she mostly communicates by text and phone, so not a regular Facebook user. Neither am I. My Facebook is a photo of a long deceased pet... Don't overthink this - instead focus on the relationship and above all listen to her and go at her pace.

Speaking as a widow of 3 years, you are asking her to erase an image of her late partner as if he didn't exist and maybe she feels intimidated by that. I know that I would in her shoes.

Also I think that maybe you're rushing things a little and she's not really ready to go to the next level yet which makes me think that you both want different things from this relationship. This is a delicate conversation to have between you soon.

As you're finding out, being with someone widowed is completely different compared to someone that has left a marriage, or other long term relationship. In simple terms, you can choose to leave a relationship that's not working out, but not choose the death of your life partner.

Having been divorced previously a long time ago, I can conclude that I feel totally different about dating now compared to when I got divorced to the extent that I would be very cautious about dating now.

How did you know the answer to this with your ex-wife? Or other relationships before your wife?

How is this any different?

All relationship go through stages. When you dated as your younger self, did you ask yourself these same questions?

Disregard the fact she's a widow and I think your problem would be solved. The relationship will either flourish or fade out.

Don't you see it that way?

Look at it this way- when women (30+) with a bio clock ticking, they often state on their online profiles that they don't want time-wasters, that they want to settle down, that they want a commitment.

Presumably neither of you did that as older daters, but some would.

You could have that conversation now (another poster wrote a very eloquent post saying this) where you set out your hopes and dreams about having a permanent relationship for YOURSELF. Your date may nod and agree and if she doesn't feel the same (about you or in principle) she will let you go once she understands what you want (and if she can't offer it.)

I also know I’m not moving too fast.

Despite many women here saying you are.

You aren’t moving too fast for you. You may be moving too fast for her. You say you care about her but say you know you aren’t moving too fast. If you care for her, go at her speed.

Is this perhaps the first time you haven’t been chased and you’re actually feeling unsettled by that?

It sounds like you’re not in a relationship, just dating? I think it’s too soon to be talking to your family about her and referring to her as your girlfriend? I’ve been dating someone since March and I haven’t told my family about him, he is in my Fb but as far as people are aware he’s just one of my friends. I think you’re thinking way ahead and worrying too much. She has lost her husband, 4 years isn’t a long time ago and she will still be grieving, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t ready to date someone else but it might mean she’s not ready to change her Fb photo just yet.

I will just say this, I have never met a man who uses "wanna" and "gonna" in a sentence. And I'm in my 50s and living in the USA. It is like the language of the youthful, yet terminally unemployed...!

It was Paul Newman who said that when asked about why he remained faithful to his wife.

I accept everyone is different but your Mum's take on it was that there is only one 'perfect' partner in life.

In the context of this thread, I don't think that's true for everyone.
Before marrying my H, I had a couple of very serious long term relationships. I know I could have possibly been very happy with those men but the timing was just wrong.

My belief is that relationships need more than just compatibility. They need people to be at the same stage of life and wanting the same things at the same time.

I'm became widowed 7 years ago, I remarried this year, I still have a wedding picture up of my late husband and I in the house. I don't even have one of my current husband and I up, he has never ever raised it. Moving on as a widow comes with a whole host of new feelings including guilt. It doesn't mean she feels any less for you, but you absolutely cannot ask her to change her picture and it shouldn't enter your head to do so. She is also probably trying to keep a sense of normality for her DC so they don't think she's replaced their father.
Sounds like it's your issue. DH once said to me (and my DF as he was dating a widow) when I asked if it felt second best to be dating a widow that they actually felt honoured that they had been chosen to be the special person in their life now.

You keep saying it’s not about FB but to your friends and family it doesn’t look like she is with you because they moved on in a different way to her.

In every relationship there is the point that the people involved are trying to work out if this is for the long-haul. You just need to take a leap of faith and trust her when she’s telling you that you are the next chapter of her life. How long do you give it? Well how long is a piece of string? There isn’t an arbitrary number, it’s going to be different for everyone depending on their previous experiences and relationships.

You say you have chemistry with her and have never had this chemistry with anyone, yet you’re needing to give her an arbitrary timeline to move to. Or you break up with her? It sounds like you just want a wife with little regard as to whether it is actually her or not.

And maybe, you haven't given it enough time.

I feel that you're rushing things. It's clear you're very keen on her.

Because of your ages you want to know ASAP if there's going to be a marriage.

If you're willing to give her time, you may achieve that.

But it's only been a few months. Be patient.

Ok, so how does her commitment to you look? If both your families and friends are aware of your relationship you're obviously looking for some public declaration to satisfy your concerns are unfounded..

I'm struggling to understand what it is you want in tangible form. The fact that you're even asking these questions and are uncertain suggests your commitment is to a relationship up to whatever your standards are, not to the individual woman you describe as your soul mate.

You're only going to resolve this by seeing how it goes and talking to her. I don't think changing her profile picture is going to relieve the particular concerns you have.

You should not wait.

You should start moving on today.

You're being slightly contradictory here and also a bit "want to keep my options open".

Either she's the one or she isn't as far as I'd be concerned and given everything you've said, I think you're romanticising that she is, but really you don't want to waste time if she isn't because maybe someone more devoted to you, and willing to publicly declare it, might come along.

I don't actually think you know what you really want.

I can't see how the picture on her profile changes what you are wanting to know. It sounds like you need a conversation about what she wants long term but the picture she uses is irrelevant

Have a conversation.

None of this has any base in reality...

YABVU.

Also, she's not that into you.

And it seems from your OP that you're not even FB friends. Is this a relationship that exists only in your own head?

@NewmanintownRob

And how long should I wait before I decide that I need to focus on somebody else when I’d rather focus on her ?

At the very minimum, I'd say 6 months. By that time she should have a good idea if you're 'the one' or not.

Here's a thought. Why don't you talk to her about it?

So why don't you date some of those 'other women'? You are not yet in a committed relationship with the woman you're seeing so both of you are free to see other people. Nothing wrong with 'playing the field' as long as you aren't sleeping with all of them without being honest about it.

As a 'mature' happily married woman I find your comment about her having dated '10 men' somewhat disturbing. It's as if you feel it's a 'negative' or makes her 'flighty'. So what if she's dated 10 men? It doesn't necessarily mean she's 'only out for fun'. She is a woman who had a happy marriage and does not plan to settle for less in a relationship than she had before. She doesn't intend to compromise on that so it follows that she's going to have to 'date around'. And it also follows that she's going to date men that don't 'fit the bill', but it takes time to figure that out. You know, 'before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads'.

My mum didn't date after my dad died because "Why would I settle for hamburger when I dined on filet mignon for 52 years?". God forbid that I lose my DH, but I'd feel the same way.

Mate, kindly, widows aren't a different species, they are women who have a specific experience and each one is completely individual.

Any reticence around long term futures in the context of relationships might be for a myriad of reasons, and that is what the conversation should be about. Sensitivity around her widowed status is admirable.

I notice you mention she has dated 10 men - perhaps she does just enjoy company and even sex. You say she can see the next chapter of your life together but also you don't just want to be someone who is useful to her. You need to have conversations with her about this and if you really just want to settle down soon because you're not getting any younger so the soul mate aspect you claim isn't as essential you kind of need to be honest about that for both your sakes.