To say no, as I was an afterthought

Did your Mum have more notice? Is she the type or parent that enjoyed pitting her children against each other?

The question you asked was whether you WBU not to go, as you were clearly an afterthought. The approach that people are suggesting is that your response may depend on understanding the reason why your Mum did not include you in the first place. So as to clarify the “afterthought” status. They are saying that YABU to decline without understanding your Mum’s motivation better, or even just giving her a chance to apologise for a misunderstanding. But seeing as you are clearly determined to be a martyr and close your mind to any further discussion, there is not much more advice that can be offered. Maybe your family did not include you because you are quick to take offence and not relaxing company?

Life is too short! If you want to go, go. You rarely know which Christmas is a loved one’s last, and is cutting your nose off to spite your face really something you’d hypothetically live happily with?

I agree, would’ve been nice to have been included in the initial plans, but you can say yes, go have a great time and have no drama about it. You’ve been invited a whole month in advance.

Being offended is a choice. I suspect if you have an otherwise decent relationship with your mum this wasn’t something out of malice.

Forget about how you were invited, do you want to go?

There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I don't think that is petty at all. I think it is honest and direct.

Whilst there, she mentioned that her and my two siblings (along with their partners and kids) had booked a xmas meal

Its fatal to assume, but is the meal in question a Christmas Day meal? Or a meal in the run-up to (or just after) Christmas?

I no longer have contact with my mother and siblings after years of this, it got too painful to be constantly snubbed. However often I explained how I felt there were always excuses and it would still happen again. Meals, holidays, spa days. Like you a sibling abroad but still missing me from the meet up when they were visiting my mother. It was a hard decision and I still hurt, but it’s better than the constant additional pain each time it happened.

I wouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t. But I really think life is much easier if you don’t constantly take offence all over the place.

I have a DC who due to age and lifestyle chooses to do fewer things with the extended family than their siblings. I'm very much an opt in rather than out person, as there's nothing worse than your DC feeling obliged to be there, and i want there to be no pressure, and for it to be clear that there's no offence if they have other plans. This often results in me mentioning family plans to this DC who will then say 'lovely for you. I'm off to Thailand' or 'oh, I'll come to that'. Could your history have led your mum to be taking this approach?

I would join them and I wouldn't care at all that I wasn't part of the original plan. In my family what happens is someone says "We should eat at X place! Let's see can we get it booked in now" and it gets booked, without the added complication of asking the siblings or family who aren't there. Often when those people hear about it later they say "That sounds good, can we get in on that too" and if it is possible, it happens, and if not that is not seen as a rejection because it isn't one.

I am guessing something similar happened in this case - one sibling booked a meal with the parents, and the other sibling wanted in.

Why did you arrange the meal without including me Mum?

Charming! They’re nice aren’t they. And your sibling is flying in, and you haven’t met their partner? WTF? I’d tell her how hurt you are for one thing - I wouldn’t be going unless I got a good explanation frankly.

I think it would be churlish not to go as you want to go. It is a massive oversight on their part, and one that will reverberate unless corrected. Personally I would say the following:

'Please can you change the booking, if need be finding a new venue that can hold all of us. I am upset we were not included in the first instance for a Christmas Day celebration.' (maybe you even phone the venue direct and see if they can add two onto the booking?!)

Act quickly though. Places get booked out

I'm sorry. I'd find that hurtful too
More so as your sibling is flying in from Abroad.
In that situation I would've rang round and check everyone could make it before booking.
Being an hour way is close in my view for a family get together.

I would be very hurt and insulted. I would be asking why you weren't included from the start and make it clear how upset you are.

Did she assume you were busy and only realised you could come when it cropped up in conversation?

So did all the other members of the family go to the wedding abroad? There must be a reason why you've been excluded surely?

Any back story about not going to the wedding?

Have you asked why you were not invited? I’d have to just outright ask as it’s very bizarre.

Much drip feed.

Sibling abroad, never met their partner.

Why didn't you attend the wedding.

Were the rest of the family invited to the wedding?