To say no, as I was an afterthought

As I was leaving Mum said oh i must go in and call Sibling 1 to check they are OK.

That's awful.

And perhaps an answer?

I mean if they both thought that the other had asked you that is what would have been said isn't it?

How strange. You could just style it out and join them on the day by changing the booking. See what transpires. I would.. They have treated you badly.

Is it on Xmas day or just an event before ?

That's very sad, and quite weird, that they'd do this, not least if you're ill. Very crap of them. I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas and make the most of the peace and freedom you'll get now.

😂😂

If they’re leaving you out of things they’re being unkind. I wouldn’t go…

However if they’re paying I’d go and order as much as you can at their expense for revenge. 😉

I can understand why you feel hurt, but have a few questions that may help you understand why.

Who organised the get together? Is you brother from abroad staying locally near your Mum and other brother? Are your brothers closer in age? Do they have a closer relationship? Have you turned down similar invitations in the past? Do their children get on better together? Is the meal on Christmas Day or some other time? Would you have wished to attend if you had been invited? Does your DH/partner get on with your siblings? Is money tight for you? Do you have special dietary needs/preferences which would make venue choice difficult? Or a different attitude to alcohol? Had you already indicated to your DM what your plans were?
Have you fallen out with siblings in the past? I do feel it might be helpful (albeit hurtful) to find out why you may have been excluded. There may well be a different side to the story.

If you do wish to go, why did you turn-down the late invite? If you did want to go and would like to be included in the future you’re maybe being a bit over-sensitive to the perceived slight.

But that was exactly her point. The fact that OP’s family may be treating her differently because she is ill is back story that is relevant to the advice sought.

Sorry you are unwell.

As o say i have cancer...if i thought my family were treatimg mr differently because of ot o would not be happy. Her comment was nasty and unnecessary

because a terminal illness would mean (a) there may be limited time for future family interaction and (b) OP feels like her family are moving on without her already.

Why is being ill a back story? Why should that have any bearing? I am undergoung camcer treatment i wpuldnt think to share thar in a post like thia. It jas nothing to do with it...you just come across very nastily

I don't think I'd bother. Doesn't sound like you're a very close family tbh

OP, this would hurt my feelings too. I think you should choose whichever option will hurt less. I'm usually the one parachuting in and around whom the plans are made, but I get in touch with everyone, including those I don't plan to see, to explain and catch up before anyone else starts talking about it.

So why do not you ask your mum (and perhaps siblings separately) why you were not initially invited and are an after thought? If mum says something like she thought you had other arrangements say "how would you know that if you have not asked". I do not understand why people do not talk to other people instead of asking on here. Have a conversation with your mum and let her know how you are feeling.

Aww I totally feel for you, surely one of your siblings could have asked even if your Mum didn't think to, it's a strange one, awful not to be included by anyone most of all family. It is a dilemma go to something you feel you were an afterthought to be asked or not go and be constantly thinking about it anyway. Can you not ask your sister who arranged with your mum? why she didn't ask you. how close are you to her? How does your family usually get on with your Husband? Sorry for all questions, you don't necessarily have to answer them on here just things for you to think about as to why you weren't asked. I'd see if you can go to it sometimes you have to be the bigger person and you'll all have a great time maybe it's what all family needs to get together and your mum to realise her mistake in not inviting you in first place. All the best.

See, for me, unless you have told her that that is the reason the yes you are BU. You're just cutting your nose off and being PA.

As for people saying the wedding is a dripfreed, I disagree. I dont see the relevance.

I've done something similar with a family member, mainly because they never ever contact me, it's always the other way round, they never spend Christmas with the rest of our family as they "have animals that need taking care of" and if they do spend Christmas elsewhere it's with their partner's family. I would love them to make the effort to be with us but I guess I've got to the point where I assume they won't. Could it be something similar with your family? That they've just assumed you'll have other plans because you usually do? If you'd love to be there why not swallow your pride and tell them? I'm sure they'd love you to be there.

YABU to turn it down without addressing the issue.

“Why wasn’t I invited from the beginning? No I won’t be joining as I was an afterthought”

Could it be a passive-aggressive critique of your not having children, as if you don’t fit in to their idea of a family Christmas?

I don’t think it’s fair to criticize the OP for not asking why at the time — sometimes there's a scapegoat and it’s beyond logic, and the hurt in the moment leaves the person disoriented.

I think you should go to the Christmas dinner if at all possible. Whatever rupture or problem exists - that has led to you being excluded from the dinner - will only get worse if you and your family are not there. I also think that you should tell your mother how hurt you were not to be invited in the first place and to ask her to explain why this happened. This conversation will be difficult, but it is essential.