Is this a massive red flag and should I just end it completely?

It’s the “if you won’t go I won’t go” that makes me want to turn and run for the hills.

It’s not up to him to judge what’s a “problem” for you and I don’t think he’s being particularly understanding to be trying to guilt you to stay.

My understanding is an alcoholic can NEVER have a good relationship with alcohol. They shouldn't ever be drinking again.

He's drinking though? He's not getting help to solve his problem. He's pretending to.

Don’t go, and cut ties. You don’t owe him
anything.

he admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me.

And ^ this is the problem in a nutshell. A person going to AA for a drinking problem, shouldn't be drinking at all, even socially.

You've been there before, don't make the same mistake. Telling him you want a partner without a drinking problem is easy.

I'm an AA member and one fundamental rule of the programme is honesty. If he's serious about AA he should have told you straight away. Plus he shouldn't be drinking, of course.

Drop him like a stone and perhaps seek counselling as you seem to be attracted to problem drinkers. What has been your experience with heavy drinkers? Parents perhaps?

If he’s in AA he shouldn’t be drinking at all. It’s non negotiable. So he’s lying to his sponsor - and if he’ll do that he’ll lie to anyone about anything. The only healthy relationship an alcoholic can have with alcohol is not drinking.

Yeah, my response is, "and why is it my responsibility to ensure you go to YOUR work event?"

My issue is that either he has a problem, or he doesn't. But he seems to be very wishy washy about it and this is not what you need.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

My partner is a recovering alcoholic. But it's VERY different.

Firstly, he told me up front. He's never lied about it or hidden it. He tells other people when it's appropriate.

Secondly, he doesn't drink AT ALL. He knows he can't, end of. He's not had a drink for 23 years. And yet he still goes to AA every week, and if he goes away he finds a local one (even at festivals, they often have an AA tent). He also doesn't take pain killers and doesn't gamble, just in case.

He doesn't try to manipulate me. He knows it's his problem and he doesn't draw me into it.

I did think long ad hard about whether being in a relationship with him would be OK, and it is. I do drink, but not much, only when out really. And he doesn't mind at all. So I don't have to worry about my actions.

If I'd had a violent alcoholic ex I definitely would not be dating a recovering alcoholic, for my own sanity.

Being traumatised and having that unresolved does leave people open to similar relationships and partners.
If you then open up about your trauma during the initial stages (maybe love bombing) it's almost like giving that person control. They find and use every chink in your armour to beat you down (physically or metaphorically) but you can't always recognise until it's too late.

You obviously have awareness because you are questioning this.
He may not become an abuser like your ex, but he is manipulative and someone who has sought help for alcohol abuse but is still drinking.
His Xmas party is FA to do with you and would in my mind be a risky move.
MN is great for advice in these matters as so many of us have worn that t-shirt 💐

it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, he admitted he had a problem and went to AA earlier this year. He’d never mentioned it to me before, and regularly drinks around me... he assured me it wasn’t a problem

He's Schrodinger's Alcoholic, isn't he?!
He's in recovery with AA. Step One: we admit we have a problem.
He's got a problem, but it isn't a problem.
He's in recovery, but he drinks.
😒

Definitely don't go to the party with this alcoholic, OP!

As an observation, it feels like you're his bargain with alcohol - he won't drink too much when he's with you. You've enough experience to know how these bargains always go. There's no reason why you should put yourself out to be used as a prop by some drunk you dated for a few weeks.

I thought so too.

He’s capable of going to his work do without you, it’s not your responsibility to go so that he doesn’t miss out. Just cut ties.

You don't owe him anything. Just end it for good so you can open up to meet someone who is better suited.

If he went to AA and had a sponsor then he must have thought he had a pretty big problem. Most people who think "gosh I've been drinking a bit more recently" just cut down at home. The fact that he is back drinking and trying to manipulate you into continuing a relationship you no longer won't are both big red flags. I'd dump this guy and I don't have an alcoholic ex!

Someone who goes to AA meetings, yet still drinks alcohol?! My husband's cousin is an alcoholic (and drugs) and is currently in a residential rehabilitation unit for a year. This is the third time in probably 20 years. Usually someone who has an issue with alcohol doesn't drink, surely that's the whole point of alcohol support groups?! The fact you told him regarding your experiences with a person who is an alcoholic, and he never admitted to his issues, is a red flag. If you hadn't spotted that appointment in his calendar, would he have eventually told you? Or would he have kept it a secret? I guess he'd have kept it quiet for as long as he could, until he was sure you were smitten enough with him, to accept it. As for the 'if you don't come to my Christmas party, I doubt I'll go' statement, that's emotional blackmail. You owe this man zero. You are barely into a relationship with him. I would end it now, there's no future in the relationship, so pointless in continuing. In the future, I wouldn't be so quick to 'open up' to a man, you need to get to know him first.

It's wrong that he tried to guilt trip you going to the works thing when you ended the relationship. Don't go OP.

He sounds manipulative, I would back out of this if I were you.

I went through some bad stuff with my ex. I don't open up about it unless I really know and trust a person. I feel like they'd somehow use it against me otherwise - consciously or unconsciously. Letting the wrong people know about your trauma is risky.

It sounds like he has a healthy relationship with alcohol now and is managing his addiction well.

The big BUT, is that with your past experience, you are going to be on edge forever expecting a slip up. It will be difficult for you to trust and commit fully.

For you, this is a red flag.

He absolutely has done something wrong - he’s trying to emotionally manipulate and guilt trip the OP.

Run away, now.

This situation is a good example of the difference between people vulnerable to being abused and those who are not.

People who are chaotic in some way cast the net out wide and people vulnerable to abuse without appropriate boundaries ignore the warning signs — usually as they have been taught to do in early childhood relationships— and those who aren’t vulnerable to abuse react appropriately to the red flag behaviour. People think abusers target vulnerable people and of course they do to some extent but the way they truly operate is testing boundaries and overstepping boundaries bit by bit.

If he is in AA he should not be drinking and he should not be manipulating you over a small issue like a Christmas party.

You've already experienced trauma with a violent alcoholic. Please don't put yourself or your children in a position where you are involved with another alcoholic.

You need and deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

Poor guy? If he's trying to get his life sorted a good start would be some honesty and integrity. He was not open about being an alcoholic when there was a really good moment for him to share that information, and he's attending sponsor meetings and still drinking. It's not looking good for him if this is him making an effort to get his shit together.

He has tried to openly manipulate OP into attending a function with him.

If you're not looking for a project then stay away, especially if you have a past with an alcoholic partner that was traumatic, I'd say this was heading in the same direction.

You do not owe him your pity or support, you've known him since September. It's November.

He is a liar. He lied to you, he is most definitely lying to his sponsor and this won’t change as ‘it’s not a problem’.

You deserve better than this. End it now, his Christmas party is no concern of yours, do not let him manipulate you.

Treat yourself, use whatever you would have spent on his Christmas gift!