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Original poster

Upset with PILs preference for nephews

140 replies

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:18

Name changed
have been mulling over this and not sure how best to proceed

i have an 18month old son
not married to his dad and living separately (he lives with his parents and has a comfortable life/ works from home there).
recently he has asked to have his son every week overnight - pick up from nursery on Wednesday and drop back on Thursday evening. We live about 15miles apart which can mean 1.5 hour drive during rush hour traffic. Despite this, it has been going well so far - or so I thought.

I had a day off on Friday and went to pick up my son from theirs on Friday morning last week (so he had 2 night sleepover because I wasn’t feeling well and had a few hospital appointments). I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

I’m now torn because I don’t my son going to their house when he is not welcome and I feel a bit sad that there seemed to be a clear preference that they would rather look after their daughter’s children than have their son’s child over?

is it because he is staying in their home so they don’t get time to relax?
is it because his dad and I aren’t married (this is playing a bigger part than it should in my head)
should I reduce him staying over and just have visits with grandparents instead so that they don’t start to feel resentful? (His dad wants to continue weekly sleepovers and sod his parents’ feelings).

would be grateful for any advice as I’m feeling a bit bruised on my baby’s behalf and maybe I need to take a step back and do what’s best for everyone.

AIBU- reduce sleepovers and let grandparents relax in their home

AINBU - carry on as dad wants; it’s his home too and he has a right to see his son.

OP posts:
PoissonOfTheChrist · 25/11/2024 00:27

Why isn't your partner looking after his child at your house overnight?
I find it so odd. You're parenting as if you're separated. Do you think it's in the best interests of your child to be raised this way?

MintTwirl · 25/11/2024 00:26

We are commenting on the living arrangements because it is unfair on your MIL. If your partner lived with you or had his own home then she would be able to play a normal grandparent role like your parents are able too and have him for sleepovers or days together when it works for her.

Instead she has her 40 year old son living at home and he has decided it would be great to plan and have a baby and now to have the baby stay over at her home on a regular basis. This is on top of her childcare arrangements with her daughter. And you are upset that she admitted that she is tired?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 25/11/2024 00:24

Duplicate post.

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 25/11/2024 00:21

Does she look after DS during the day Wednesday or Thursday? Or does your partner take time off work?

he is at nursery near me on Wednesday morning so he is picked up at 1 and has his nap in the car, gets to their house around 3 and leaves the next day. His dad doesn’t work when he is there. MiL definitely makes his main meals (dad does breakfast before they wake up) and will probably tidy up after he leaves.

I think it was probably the extra night that’s pushed her to make that comment and maybe I just need to wait and ask DP to have an honest conversation with her about how to proceed.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 25/11/2024 00:21

MIL may well be judging you both.
You've both made a right mess at this. At your ages as well.

You can carry on creating any drama you want in your head. . The reality is yohead.both made decions that have invaded and inconvenienced her.
What you should be wondering is how you will be showing her your gratitude.
Because right now you sound bit spoilt.

nam3c4ang3 · 25/11/2024 00:17

You’re imagining he’s not wanted there - this is very much a you problem. Where on earth is your partner/husband/bf - why isn’t HE looking after his own son. Such a strange setup - it’s your son I feel most sorry for.

converseandjeans · 25/11/2024 00:15

They aren’t on the same day (so both in laws go on mon/tues to her daughter’s house) and my son gets there around 3.30pm on Wednesday and leaves the next day around 4/5

I imagine that 4 days with small children plus having her adult son there majority of the time is hard work & she was probably just worn out & had expected Thursday evening & Friday morning to be child free.

Does she look after DS during the day Wednesday or Thursday? Or does your partner take time off work?

PoissonOfTheChrist · 25/11/2024 00:15

Because I’m letting my child sleep there without me and I don’t want him to be in a place he’s not wanted

You're imagining that he's not wanted though.

CurlyCabbage · 25/11/2024 00:13

Your poor MIL must be exhausted! Shes spends the nearly all weekdays looking after grandchildren. Im sure thats all her comment implies. Her grown adult kids seem overly reliant on her. Your DP seems to be oblivious to it all.

Youve said your parents are happy to have your DS but are they spending the rest of the week cooking and cleaning up after you and then other grandkids?

Trying not to be judgemental but in the 2 years you were trying for this child, you should've come up with a better plan. Youre living hours away from each other and this child seems to be passed from pillar to post on a weekly basis.

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 25/11/2024 00:12

BellissimoGecko · 25/11/2024 00:07

Why are you worrying about what your partner's parents think? You should be asking your partner why he is so crap at caring for your Dc. I bet you don't rely on your parents!!

Because I’m letting my child sleep there without me and I don’t want him to be in a place he’s not wanted

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 25/11/2024 00:11

It didn’t come across to me that she preferred the other children, just that all the childcare is exhausting- including helping with the other kids!
It’s her responsibility to make sure she communicates to both her son and her daughter that she’s finding it too much (if that’s the case). Nothing for you to worry about or get involved in.

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 25/11/2024 00:11

Hedgerow2 · 25/11/2024 00:02

i know having a toddler around the house is loud and messy and general havoc but my parents are always so keen to have him and have never mentioned anything to me about minding having him over

Are they looking after 3 other young children around the same time?

Should that matter?
surely if you have children and they both have children (your grandchildren).. whatever age they are, you share your time and love between them all don’t you?

(My nieces are nephews are a lot older now- range from 4-23yo) but my parents have and still do look forward to having sleepovers -and I don’t think have ever made comments about how hard it is having them stay over to my brother/sister in laws).

it’s made me feel uncomfortable and not want him to sleep over there. Most comments here are berating my partner or judging us for our living arrangements- but can anyone see why such a comment would make me feel this way? Even if meant innocently, the fact it’s been said surely means a reaction was expected from me in some form to make things easier?

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 25/11/2024 00:07

Why are you worrying about what your partner's parents think? You should be asking your partner why he is so crap at caring for your Dc. I bet you don't rely on your parents!!

Hedgerow2 · 25/11/2024 00:02

i know having a toddler around the house is loud and messy and general havoc but my parents are always so keen to have him and have never mentioned anything to me about minding having him over

Are they looking after 3 other young children around the same time?

Snoopdoggydog123 · 25/11/2024 00:00

You can't separate the issues.
Your partners failure to launch is directly linked to her comment.

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:58

Catching up on comments and some fair points about DP.. i’m not going to focus too much on his reasons for living at home but he is very successful and financially independent who has his business set up in his home and also some rigidity around routine- so finds it easier to work from there rather than move in with me until we settle wherever I get my next job/ where we decide to send our son to school. Where I live, I still have a commute of 1hr each way to work and back but it’s closer to my family so it seemed the best option.

the point of this post wasn’t really about our relationship or why we are living apart but rather whether I was unreasonable to be aggrieved by this comment about having her grandson staying being hard because of her commitments to looking after her other grandchildren. They aren’t on the same day (so both in laws go on mon/tues to her daughter’s house) and my son gets there around 3.30pm on Wednesday and leaves the next day around 4/5.

i know having a toddler around the house is loud and messy and general havoc but my parents are always so keen to have him and have never mentioned anything to me about minding having him over. I still feel a bit uncomfortable and almost want to reduce my hours at work and keep him with me instead now.

OP posts:
EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:51

But you only live 15 miles apart - you can’t get a house 7.5 miles inbetween?? Especially if he mostly does WFH. Sorry but I agree it’s seriously odd that you don’t live together, and not very good for your son either. Has he always lived at home? Any plans to ever live together? I can’t imagine making the commitment of an actual child but not working out the living logistics.

Your MIL is likely pissed off because she’s expected to be nanny in her retirement x 4 and be collateral damage in her son’s seriously weird choice to live away from his partner and son.

Hedgerow2 · 24/11/2024 23:49

i think what’s upset me is that she told me it’s hard having him stay over because she also has to look after her other grandchildren but there was an insinuation that he should stop sleeping over there to make it easier.

Well you've inferred that from her comments but that's not what she said. You're being too sensitive. You've also said how loving she is towards your ds so I doubt very much that she doesn't want to see him. If their son is 40 then presumably your 'MIL' is in her 60s. What do you expect her to say when she's been looking after 4 young children? Of course it's demanding for her! That doesn't mean she isn't willing to do it. Poor woman must be exhausted!

ChocolateTelephone · 24/11/2024 23:49

I don’t think her comment indicated any preference for her nephews but I do think the living arrangements here are insane and need urgent review.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 24/11/2024 23:49

What????

It’s because she has a longstanding commitment to some childcare for her Dd who has 3 young kids and this time your Ds was there at the time she does this.

That’s all there is to it.

No suggestion that she ‘prefers’ them.

Way too sensitive

HellofromJohnCraven · 24/11/2024 23:49

She's probs fed up with being stuck with her man child of a son at home at 40 tbh.

Businessflake · 24/11/2024 23:44

he is a very much wanted child who we tried for more than 2 years for. We are both 40now so not sure if I will have another child but this boy was very much planned for and I wanted him to know both sets of grandparents equally. Maybe it’s my fault for wanting that?

I can’t be the only one confused by this.

You planned a child with a man who still lives at home and clearly has no intention of leaving?

This is seriously odd

Original poster
Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:44

It is a complex situation but we don’t live together because of my work. I was given a secondment to a different area post maternity but the regions are quite large so still too far for me to commute and he is self employed but all his clients are near his work so until my contract finishes end of next year, this seemed to be the best way.

he usually visits us and does nursery pick ups and weekends but I think the drive was getting much and he preferred to have him overnight - which also helped me as I was starting to get burnt out.

for those saying she didn’t mean it in a preferential manner- I don’t think she would ever tell her daughter’s husband it was hard or ask them to reduce childcare so that’s why I felt that it was a slight towards him. Now I’m wondering if I was just too sensitive

OP posts:
EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 24/11/2024 23:41

MintTwirl · 24/11/2024 23:39

I also imagine that it wasn’t in her retirement plans to have her 40 year old son living at home, let alone for him to be bringing a baby into the mix, it’s a very unfair situation to put her in. He really needs to move out and get his own place or move in with you, I have no idea why you both planned a baby in this set up, very selfish tbh.

Yes and I imagine she’s thinking “Why, when I already care for 3 young kids, am I being expected to look after the child of my 40yo son who won’t move out and won’t take care of his own baby”. I certainly would be.

Shes basically being used for cheap rent and child care by a man who should’ve moved out 20 years ago, and clearly has a stonking sense of entitlement and is seemingly always there. I feel sorry for the poor woman

It saddens me to see adult children take the piss out of their older parents when it comes to childcare. Having a kid young is hard enough let alone when you’re a bit more knackered and sore/cold in new places

TheMaenads · 24/11/2024 23:41

Narniabeckons · 24/11/2024 23:37

thank you for the comments.. it’s very useful to have another perspective.

dad is definitely very hands on and does a lot of feeding/ takes him out/ puts him to sleep. From what I can see, she cooks his lunch and dinner but I was happy to provide these if it made life easier.

I did discuss it with DP and he said she’d been under a bit of stress and she is usually lovely with little one and has no issues with him staying there. I wonder if he is being overly optimistic though and not validating her feelings.

How can he be ‘hands on’ if he doesn’t live with his child, and has only just started to have him overnight, while living at his parents’ house? Are you saying he expects his mother to look after him all day on Thursday while he works?

Why have a child with someone living with his parents?