Upset with PILs preference for nephews

I think you probably are being over sensitive here, OP. Presumably she provides regular care for her daughter’s kids, which would be exhausting in and of itself. To add an extra child in her own home for 2 nights on top of that would be unusually knackering. It doesn’t in any way suggest that she doesn’t want him there or that she favours her daughter’s kids.

You are both in your 4o's and tried to have a baby for two years? Then you separated while pregnant and during your son's first months?

None of this looks good. Are you actually back together now?

Why is he living at home? He's a grown up with a good job. He can move out. This is all ridiculous.

I think this is very likely true - although I do note OP asked her if she was OK, it's not like the MiL just started spouting off about how knackered she was... so she likely was tired, and wouldn't have said anything, but you asked when she was at a low point so she was honest with you (rather than waiting to speak to your DP.

@Narniabeckons this is weird! are you sure you are in a relationship with the dad??? why would he have to ask for an overnight visit? does he not just come to stay at yours when he wants? why are you living as two separate people if you have a baby and are together?

She didn’t make the comment unprovoked though, you asked her! And in no way did she say your nephews are her favourites. Sounds like she enjoys having him there but of course it will be hard work, that would be true of any toddler.

Why on Earth is she cooking his dinner and tidying up when he leaves? That’s completely unacceptable and should be very much on your DP. I’m sure it would be less hard work for her if she didn’t have to clear up after them both.

Why is she having to do anything which makes her tired when your DS is there, his father should be doing all the running around?

It’s all a bit odd.

Why should you be grateful to her? Your dp now should be grateful to her, as basically you are separated and she helps with some of the dads moderate contact time. nothing to do with you, you do more than enough parenting so why should you feel guilty either, it’s their dad doesn’t do that much and if anyone should take the load off his mum it’s him.
or is it really that you resent that she has to parent because their dad isn’t?

I can't believe you purposely had a child with a man who still lives in his parents' house who you don't plan to live with in the near future. Your poor child. What an absolutely idiotic setup.

Honestly OP you want to find something to be upset over. Your ovely anyalysing all her comments and reading in to them when the whole truth is There is nothing wrong here. Your MIL sounds kind and your relationship sounds like an utter mess. I would take some time to figure that out.

Honestly - I think your partner should man up a bit, move in with his new family, looking after you and his baby, not remain at home like a manchild and part time dad

He’s lazy . Poor MIL .

I really think you are being over sensitive - she normally has him for one night and she'd had him for two - this plus her extra childcare duties you asked the question...she told you she was tired! Doesn't mean she doesn't want him.

Why isn't the Dad cooking all the food for his child ?

If he's not working when your child's there why isn't he doing 100% everything.

It's simple - a 2 night sleep over is too much for the older lady as it seems she is doing the work and it tires her out. It is not her child, it is the father that should be doing it all -
'His dad doesn’t work when he is there.'
are you 100% sure that he is not working on a Thursday - not at all, not one single phone call or email etc.
so daddy does all the nappy changes, the meals, the reading of books, the taking to the park, the playing with Duplo etc etc etc the bathtime the bedtime the bedtime story, the getting up in the middle of night if needed
100% of it all ?

The OP asked her though.

it seems the consensus is I am being too sensitive and should carry on with the overnight stays but be grateful to mil and show gratitude when I can.

No I think the consensus is stop putting upon your poor MIL and sort this living situation out. The damage that this kind of dynamic can cause isn’t that viable in an 18mo but it is there.

I have to say this thread is prompting me to think that I need to make living at home a REALLY unattractive prospect when my kids are adults. I might have to tell them I’m turning into a naturist or something in the hope they’ll stay away

You could fix that by living with your OH

He is wanted there obviously. But you asked if it was exhausting and she said yes. I’m about half her age and would find it exhausting to look after an 18mo.

Im gonna tell you what i tell my kids: don’t ask a question if you’re not gonna like the answer.

No I can’t see how a comment would make you feel that way. It’s your OH taking the piss that’s annoying her. And I bet your parents don’t have a 40yo still living at home expecting childcare on a regular basis. Your MIL is a human and being treated pretty poorly all round.

And of course it matters that your parents don’t do regular childcare. Your MIL spends 4 days a week looking after 4 kids, collectively saving you and SIL hundreds every week! For free! And she’s old, she’s knackered and probably picking up on the fact no one gives two shits about the impact on her.

If this was my son I’d be thinking g “He lives at home, is loaded, why the fuck am I doing childcare for free for a son who doesn’t care about my feelings”. Tell Mr Hands On to put your son in childcare if he’s so financially successful

I don’t normally judge people living with their parents at 40 because usually it’s a temporary measure due to an adverse life event. But Imposing on your parents and their living space when you don’t need to, for entirely selfish reasons, is a dickhead move. I’d struggle to fancy someone like that.

So financially successful he lives at home with mummy? Also his business is set up in his parent’s home not his. Sorry OP but none of it makes sense as to why you don’t live together. If he WFH and sees client occasionally surely it’s better to move in with you and make the occasional commute? Hes basically behaving like a bachelor and you’re both behaving like you’re split. This is directly impacting his poor exhausted mum who in retirement spends most of the week looking after small children and not even being able to have her home to herself. I’d also have a red flag at his comment of “Sod his parents feelings”. It’s not his house, he should have some respect. Instead his poor mum is treated as a free nanny by her ungrateful children and woe betide she has any feelings of anything other than total adulation.

Op it sounds like she's just tired, but she should have had that conversation with her son and not you.

Yes, this.

you and your p need to work out the best way to care for your without involving your p's poor mum!!

Your 'MIL' didn't volunteer this information though. You asked her and she 'admitted reluctantly' that she found it hard. What's wrong with that? I'm in my 60s and don't have the energy I used to have. I'll happily admit I find it 'hard' when all my adult kids come to stay at the same time. But that doesn't mean I don't love them with all my heart. I love it when they all descend - even though I find it very tiring.
You're reading far too much into one comment.

You're not really understanding the comments are you?

It's defo a you thing which I think may stem from guilt due to the -quite honestly- shite set up you've managed to get into.