Upset with PILs preference for nephews

Entirely agree. It’s a completely insane way to raise a child, and it’s bizarre to hear that this wasn’t an accidental pregnancy, but one the OP and her boyfriend planned and spent years trying to conceive, when they seem too disorganised /uncommitted to be able to raise a child in a stable manner.

If you think about it, the OP focusing on a tiny, unimportant thing (the lack of enthusiasm of her semi-detached boyfriend’s mother for an insane arrangement which benefits no one, certainly not the toddler at the centre of it all) rather than major issues like having a planned child with a 40 year old man who apparently can’t be bothered to move out of his parents’ house or raise his own child on a regular basis, makes sense — her priorities are very skewed.

Is it really a sleepover with his grandparents or a sleepover with his dad who happens to live at home with his parents? It's not the OP's fault that the grandmother ends up doing childcare that she obviously finds tiring on top of the help she gives with her other grandchildren. That is her son's fault and I'm sure a financially solvent 40 year old could find somewhere decent to live with room for his son. It does seem that the OP is the only one who is concerned about the grandmother's wellbeing.

for those saying she didn’t mean it in a preferential manner- I don’t think she would ever tell her daughter’s husband it was hard or ask them to reduce childcare so that’s why I felt that it was a slight towards him. Now I’m wondering if I was just too sensitive

But you asked the question. Unless your 'BIL' is far more perceptive than 99% of the partners portrayed on MN he would never have dreamt that this is a question to ask. Has your partner ever asked? I don't think it is a your son issue necessarily, more the whole situation issue.

I would approach it initially with your partner in discussing what your unit can do to ease the situation, such as when it is more than one night he comes to yours. Asking her if it would be easier to longer term juggle the days, so if the others are with her Mon and Tues could she have Wed off and then your ds come Thur night for example. Telling your dh when she is tired (if she doesn't already) so he can cook / get takeaway for everyone. You could also include his sister and BIL who may or may not also be willing to tweak their weeks as well.

Your MIL us a full time parent to her adult son. I bet the poor woman does all his cooking, laundry, shopping, cleans the house and on top of that is childminder to young children 3 days a week and then has a baby to stay overnight. When does the poor woman have any 'me' time? She probably works harder now than when she had a full time job.

The pair of you need to get your act together and sort out living together properly for the sake of both your child and your boyfriends mother.

Agree - in MN terms, you have a DP problem, not a MIL problem. Frankly your arrangement, given you have a child together, is a little batshit. He needs to grow up. Or you do.

OP it's not really your concern. It's between dcs father and his mother

So a very small child has the upheaval of a midweek stay 15 miles away, to be looked after by man-child and his beleaguered mother (who never asked for any of this) and you’re worry is about him being second best to other GC despite all the evidence to the contrary?

This has got to be the ultimate batshit MIL thread, where she is literally a saint and coping with the consequences of bonkers life decisions and just because she dares utter a word of honesty about her own well-being it’s AIBU…

🙄🙄🙄

If your DP is not working when he looks after the DS then why can't he do that while living in your home? I don't understand this arrangement at all!

This is purely me speculating so take with a pinch of salt but my guess is that your MIL is resentful of her son not being willing to build his own life as an independent adult.

Your living situation is unusual to most of us here so she probably finds it all very odd too and can't see why you don't move in together like most couples with a child would. This is her home, she hasn't chosen to have more children and having a small child living there every week isn't something that she signed up for.

What I am hearing is NOT that your child is less loved but that his father clearly doesn’t pull his weight and parent his child on the nights your DC stays over - ie he’s asked for the sleep overs and delegated it to his mum. That’s really cheeky and you need to speak to your partner about this as it’s important to you that your child has a good relationship with his GP and does not feel like a burden. As other PPs have said - he may have a cushy life at his parents, but he still needed to be sure having his child over was welcome and ensure that HE and not the MIL is doing the parenting.

You are being very odd about this. Why do you care how MIL feels about things, she may have just been stating facts. It may be that the other kids are hard work! In any case, Having more kids around is harder than having less.
DP is there and he is the one who should be looking after DS primarily anyway.
In any case, it's kind of not your problem. They are minding him and that's that. It's down to DP to work this through not you.
Giving up more hours at work? Madness. Remember you are not married, you get nothing from him if you break up. CMS is paltry. It's in your best interest to keep maximising your earnings where possible

This - and you asked her on an occasion when your DC had stayed for an extra night for your convenience.

YABU. Your dp’s mum told you how she was feeling. That’s all.
Let your son go and visit his dad. The way you’re both living might suit you both but it’s not great from your sons perspective. If you want to think about him as a priority then keep him visiting his father during the week.

I'd look at if he could come over yours to look after his son

You asked her if it was hard she said yes. At least she feels she can be truthful with you.

You say "his dad doesn't work when he's there" - do you mean your child's dad or your partner's dad? Because if child's dad doesn't work when he is there it is even more bizarre that this sleepover is happening at the grandparents' house rather than your own.

How old is this poor woman?
Im in my 60’s and fit and healthy compared to a lot of my peers. However it’s hard to explain how tired I feel compared to 20/30 years ago. Looking after a toddler for one day is exhausting, never mind childminding for several days a week.
You should both be constantly thanking her for her help not acting like teenagers expecting mummy to take responsibility.

I would trust that she is a woman with agency and if she really wanted the situation to change she’d have a conversation with her son about it.

you probably just caught her off guard and she replied candidly that yes she is tired. Doesn’t mean she’d change the situation though. If anyone asks me how I am I very often reply ‘knackered!’ As I’ve got two little ones. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to look after them though - I’m just acknowledging that it’s as hard as it is lovely

I think you’ve taken what your MIL said wrongly. She just said she was tired with all the childcare, not that she preferred her daughter’s children. That’s not what she said at all. The issues with you and your DH are separate to this. Honestly - wouldn’t you be tired in her shoes? I know I would be.

If there is a subtext implied, I don't think it's that she prefers the other grandkids, it'll be that DP is clearly relying on her to do care instead of really stepping up himself.

I'd be surprised if she's happy her adult children are draining the life out of her instead of showing any independence or capability. The fact she could be open with you is actually a sign she's close to you, there was absolutely no criticism of you or DS in her comment, more the idea that you'd understand she's ended up doing everything on "his" time.

If your bf is in his 40s then his parents must be well into their 60s I'd presume. I think MIL was just stating a fact about being tired after looking after her other 3 GC. In fact, it's a lot for her DD to expect her mother to help care for 3 DC, but that's another story.

When your DS is with his dad then dad should be doing all the caring/feeding/bathing/tidying/night waking etc, not leaving anything for his mother to do. If you plan to one day live together then he needs to get his finger out and learn how to do all these things so that it won't be left for you to do it all OP. It would be good to continue his overnights there so that your DS is ok with dad doing stuff for him when he becomes part of the family unit.

I think you've read too much into MIL comment, but then you did ask the question and she was honest about being tired.

Surely his dad should be running around after him not her? Bit odd, why isn't he living with you if your together?

Don't you have people in your life whom you prefer to other people in your life?

I presume your MIL has done babysitting for several years given the ages of your nephews? She possibly has childcare fatigure. It might not be fair, however I doubt there is any malicious intent by your MIL, unfourtantely you had a grandchild much later.

My mother babysat DD a lot less compared to my siblings dcs, DD was the 7th grandchild and by that point my mother was over looking after young children. She adored my DD and never played favourites but she was older and had enough. It was a bit frustrating, nonethless that is how the cookie crumbled.

You seem not to be listening to comments and ignoring the questions you don't like.
Succinctly;
You have very strange parenting arrangements. Not ideal for your child.
You sem to be determined to make something about you (not) MiL comment rather than ask her DS (the father of the child) to care fully for the child while it is there.
How do you see this working long-term ?