Upset with PILs preference for nephews

I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

How have you concluded from that, that she doesn't want your son there? 🙄

Why did you ask her a leading question if you weren't prepared to hear the answer? Would you be happier if she'd lied and said oh no, easiest thing ever? You asked, she was truthful; she didn't say anything about wanting to stop having him. "She replied reluctantly" - well not surprising, she was put on the spot as to whether to tell a lie or be honest and upset you.

It's not very "respectful" to put her in an awkward situation, then threaten to not let her see him as much because she answered honestly.

My fit and active MIL spent 3 years looking after my niece and nephew before they went to school, when she was in her early 60’s, because both BIL and SIL were seriously disorganised with their childcare and couldn’t find a babysitter 2 days a week. It aged MIL about 10 years, and she still worked on her other days except Sundays! I remember her telling me how excited she used to be for those Sundays to come around and I thought what a shit life being almost retired and still working like a donkey.

I think it would be easier if people can afford to use childcare just don’t use family, it seems to create all sorts of messes.

So she gets no break? Presuming mil is over 60/70s? She’s probably knackered if his dad works from home. Is he doing any childcare or is he dumping it all on his mum? My aunt, just over 70, is shattered from all the childcare-recently just the youngest of 7 who is 3-and delighted he’s going to nursery now. You’re being over-sensitive.

Probably or phrased it better. She didn’t invite or really want to see DGS so it is not unreasonable for OP to be upset.
She could have taken a day off from seeing the other 3 kids the next week if she was tired but she instead made op feel unwelcome enough that she is only going to see that DGS every 2 weeks now (from the update)
That is prioritising

it actually just leads me to believe that she IS doing childcare though.

Thing is she’s understandably tired from looking after the other 3 kids, and then another 18mo visitor is the very next day in her house not through her choice or asking. OP asked if she was tired and she gave an honest reply. Should she have lied?

Exactly she is implying she would rather not have her DGS as a visitor because she is tired from the childcare she is kindly providing for the other DGC

That is hurtful as she isn’t even being asked to do childcare here just be a grandma

I know Italian culture often has men living at home until 30 or so but they certainly move out when they have a family of their own

I don’t think you’re selfish or spoiled either OP, but your OH is and I think you’re a bit blind to it where perhaps your MIL is not. The burnout sounds exhausting- a 2 hour commute each day! This could be so easily remedied if your OH lived with you.

I don’t know a culture whereby a man lives with his parents when he has a long-term partner and child. Especially when that long term partner has health issues and is understandably burnt out.

I don't think you are selfish and spoilt OP. I think that possibly your partner is, but we don't have enough information about him to know for sure.

It is obvious that you were concerned for your MIL, as well as being a bit upset that it seemed that she didn't want your child to stay overnight.

I hope the talk with her goes OK.

This occurred to me. Can you ask her what she’d like? Also, it seems that she’s brought her son up, possibly her daughter too, to assume that she’ll provide whatever they want, so be aware of that

This poor woman not only has her 40 year old son living and working from her home, she also has one of two sets of grandchildren in her house for most of her week days.

Why she hasn't told the lot of you to piss off is beyond me.

You live 15 miles apart, the fact that this is the 'family' set up you have decided is best, is ridiculous. If he doesn't work when he takes DS to his mums for the overnight visit then why is he going there in the first bloody place? why can't he come and stay at yours on these days?

You're either together or you're not, sort it out for your childs sake.

But if she’s not actually providing childcare for her son, because he presumably doesn’t work on Thursdays, then how is she prioritising relationships? She still does childcare Mon and Tues, and then her DGS is presumably just a visitor in her house.

I get it, you are not being unreasonable to be upset.

If the insinuation was that she is tired and would rather see less of your son that is one thing. It is extra hurtful because she is saying she is prioritising a close relationship with his cousins over her relationship with your son. It is for her to choose how to spend her energy and it appears that is with the other grandchildren to the detriment of a similar close relationship with your child, it is hurtful.

it is natural for her to feel closer to the ones she knows best so seeing less of her may perpetuate the situation

If he only lives with his parents because of work and he doesn't work on Thursdays while your son is there, why doesn't he drive to your place on Wednesday evening and stay the night?

Your set up makes very little sense and I can understand why his mother is feeling put upon.

exactly, or why is he still at home?

I think you are being a bit oversensitive. Looking after a toddler is tiring - I'm shattered all the time and my toddler is my absolute world, just because I'm tired and have a grumble to my DH doesn't mean my son isn't ever wanted. Why can't you give your MIL the same grace to express those feelings?

It's not insulting to your child to say that looking after him, and her other grandchildren is tiring. She probably wanted a bit of appreciation and gratitude because it sounds like she was looking after your son despite your co-parent being in the same house - why wasn't he doing most (actually all) of the childcare?

And this is a bonkers way to bring up a child. Can't you see that?

So you spent two years ttc but didn't talk about where you'd live or how you would share childcare? Insane.

And you're both 40? Very worrying.

Your bf should move out from his poor mum's house and allow her to live in peace.

She hasn’t said she doesn’t want him there, she has just stated that it’s tiring.

i think what’s upset me is that she told me it’s hard having him stay over because she also has to look after her other grandchildren but there was an insinuation that he should stop sleeping over there to make it easier.

The insinuation is that her son should look after his own child.

I asked MIL (technically not married but she is still treated with same respect) whether it had been hard for her having him there and she replied reluctantly saying yes because she also visits her daughter to help with her 3 sons (aged 8, 5 and 19 months) in the week and it’s demanding for her.

You are totally focusing on the wrong thing here.

Your MIL was being honest. And of course it's hard for her, helping to care for and feed four young children!

This is all your boyfriend's fault. He needs to actually look after his own child on the one day a week he sees them, the lazy lump. He needs to stop letting his mum run herself ragged cooking for your dc and cleaning up after him, and that's what you should tell your h.

God.

I feel sorry for the MIL she has a grown adult son living with her and now has to accommodate her grandson overnights because two adults who should know better at their ages decided this fucked up way of raising a child was better

My parents undoubtedly love my children but I know they find it tiring when we visit let alone if I lived there and children regularly stayed over

This.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your MIL.

She has her adult son living with her, toddler coming to stay overnight and she helps her daughter with 3 DGC. Of course she is exhausted.
I didn't get a sense from her comment that she prefers her daughter's children. I think she was just honest with your about everything being too much.

I think this is down to your partner to sort out. I don't really understand why he is still living with his parents at his age and if he is financially independent.

It sounds like you are more co-parenting rather than being a family. It's a strange set up.

As others have said, your MIL didn't state a preference- she was just being honest.

It is the living situation that's the problem. When other couples have children together and one needs to move workplace they work together to figure it out, moving half way or one of you commuting.

I'd take the comment from MIL as a hint that he needs to get his shit together and live independently, whether that's alone or with you.